Page 58 of The Summer That Changed Us

‘There’s no need to think like that. It’s not a competition.’ Robyn smiled at her friend. ‘Crap stuff can happen to both of us. Unfortunately. Let me tell you the whole story.’

And with the sea behind her perpetually in motion, and her two friends as still as statues, she finally opened up. From the girl-meets-boy joyful beginning, the simple DIY wedding, through to the decision to start a family which she’d found herself mistakenly swept along with. Then she told them of the discovery of her faulty gene, the surgery, the reconstruction, the drugs, pain, scars, the conversation she and Finn should have had but didn’t about their abandoned plans to have a baby, and all of the million and one tiny, unscheduled things which had unbalanced the equilibrium of their marriage.

Her breath hitched as she reached the end and realised that she was crying. Grace and Katie’s eyes were shiny with tears too.

Katie jumped to her feet, offered Robyn a tissue and hugged her. ‘You are so brave. Thank you for telling us.’

‘I’m sorry I didn’t tell you straight away.’ Robyn returned Katie’s hug. ‘But it was refreshing to meet two new people who didn’t know my history. And quite liberating not to have taboo subjects. My sister-in-law, Claudia, either tiptoes around me trying not to mention breast cancer, or else drops breasts unintentionally into the conversation every five minutes. It’s hard to pull the right face when someone says the wrong thing and then spends the next hour trying to apologise.’

‘Katie’s right, you are brave. And even more so because of what happened to your mum and your gran,’ said Grace, patting the cushion beside her.

Robyn sat down. ‘I don’t feel brave. I feel guilty. Once I knew I had the gene I wanted the surgery right away, even though that meant us not having the baby that Finn had so wanted. I’d even been offered IVF to avoid passing on the BRCA genes, but I didn’t want anything holding up the process. Maybe if I had, Finn and I would still have a strong relationship. As it is, there’s a space between us, a no-man’s land and neither of us is brave enough to step into it.’

‘He loves you. It’s natural that what you’ve been through has affected him,’ Katie said, lowering herself into the space on the other side of Grace.

‘Yeah, I know, and I feel guilty about that too,’ Robyn sighed. ‘But it feels like he’s fallen out of love with me. He cares for me, but I could be his sister. I wore the bra you gave me and I felt sexy and womanly for the first time in months. I all but threw myself at him and he couldn’t get away from me quick enough. He apologised, said he couldn’t, and then left the house as quick as he could.’ Her biggest worry was that her new body repulsed him, but she couldn’t bring herself to voice the words. Not yet.

‘And since then?’ Grace prompted.

‘I haven’t dared mention it and neither has he. Since then, we’ve slept back to back, pretending everything is fine when it clearly isn’t.’ She gulped back tears, shaking her head in disbelief about how bad things had become. ‘I’ve spent most of the day walking the coastal path today. When Katie sent that message, I came and waited on the beach until seven o’clock.’

‘Oh love.’ Grace squeezed her hand. ‘You should have come in; I’ve been here all day.’

‘I’d have been rubbish company. I’m too sad,’ said Robyn, ‘or maybe I’m angry.’

‘You’re entitled to be both,’ said Katie darkly. ‘I know I am.’

‘And either way, you’d still be welcome, both of you,’ Grace reassured them.

Robyn pressed both hands over her face and groaned. ‘I’m losing him. I’m losing my best friend and my husband. He’s been my family, my world since I was eighteen and without him … I don’t even know who I am anymore. Or what I am. Finn’s business is struggling, and I haven’t been well enough to work so I can’t even pay my share of the bills, I can’t be a mother and I’m not sure I’m the wife he wants anymore either. I feel redundant on every score. I’m a failure.’

‘That’s not who I see when I look at you,’ said Grace. ‘I see a woman who’s been dealt a tricky set of cards and who’s handled it brilliantly and is still here to tell the tale. Maybe you don’t feel like that now, but I think you’ll look back and be proud of how you coped. Your mum and grandmother would certainly be proud.’

‘Really?’ said Robyn, her voice catching in her throat.

‘Absolutely!’ Grace declared.

‘I know talking is difficult,’ Katie began. ‘But I’m sure you won’t be alone in this. Have you thought of trying to find a local group? Maybe you need the reassurance of others in the same boat. Women like you – previvors – will probably have had the same thoughts, body issues and relationship setbacks as you are dealing with.’

Robyn pulled a face. ‘The idea of attending a session to discuss my feelings gives me the heebie jeebies; actual nails-down-the-blackboard goosebumps. But you’re right. I won’t be the first person who’s gone through this. Maybe group therapy will help me find a way to work this out.’

Grace sipped her hot chocolate. ‘I came to Merle Bay for solitude, but I’d been here less than an hour when I realised that solitude wasn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Thank goodness I met you two. Just knowing you’d come to my aid if I asked you makes me want to weep with gratitude. It goes without saying that I’m here for you whenever, but on this occasion, Robyn, I agree with Katie: talking to women who’ve been through this themselves is bound to help you.’

‘I will,’ Robyn promised. ‘I have to do something.’

Outside the sky had faded from candyfloss pink to chalky grey and the light in the living room had dimmed along with it. Grace stood up and switched on some lamps, then picked up her iPad from the dining table.

‘Oh damn, Ned has tried to FaceTime me three times, and I’ve missed him,’ she muttered, frowning. ‘Now he’ll be worried about me.’

‘Ned, the man who owns this house?’ Katie asked.

Grace nodded. ‘I called him earlier because he was at the funeral where Myles allegedly admitted to Julia he’d had an affair. I just wondered if he’d heard Myles say anything.’

‘I thought you’d dismissed that as evil gossip?’ Robyn said, helping herself to another truffle.

‘I have.’ Grace flushed. ‘But hearing it from Ned would finally mean I can forget all about it.’

‘Shall we go?’ Katie asked, shuffling to the edge of her seat. ‘So you can call him back?’