Page 148 of My Kind of Happy

I closed my eyes for a second and let my mind wander. Two kids, a big brother, a little sister, laughing, arguing, shining torches after lights-out, playing ‘Operation’ on the church altar, fighting over the last roast potato, but always, always together.

‘Because he has you,’ I said simply. ‘Whether you’re with Mum or Dad, or with your grandparents, you’ll always have each other and that, I promise you, is really special.’

She was quiet for a moment, kicking her heels up while she thought about things.

‘Thanks, Fearne.’ Her mouth twisted into a smile. ‘You’re actually alright for an old person.’

‘You’re welcome, I think. Ooh, I nearly forgot,’ I said, taking out the thirty pounds I’d tucked into my bra for her. ‘Your wages. I’ll give them to you now in case I forget.’

‘I wouldn’t have forgotten. Pleasure doing business.’ She jumped to her feet. ‘See you later. I’m going to see if Dad’s got any of that pork left.’

I pretended to be shocked. ‘I thought you were a flexitarian.’

She gave me an exaggerated wink. ‘Clue’s in the title. I’m being flexible. Today pork, tomorrow tofu.’

She disappeared in the direction of the food and I sat there for a moment laughing to myself.

There was a rustle from behind me and I turned to see Pandora standing there between the trees, dressed in a white linen dress and espadrilles.

‘Pandora! Good grief.’ I clutched my chest in shock. ‘How long have you been there?’

‘Long enough.’ She stepped towards me through the long grass. ‘I heard what you said.’

I ran back over the conversation to try and identify anything that would have raised a red flag but I could feel myself getting flustered already.

‘I just …’ I stuttered. ‘I just tried to be honest with her.’

She nodded curtly. ‘I know. Well done.’

A compliment? I narrowed my eyes suspiciously. ‘Thanks.’

‘You and Sam.’ She faltered and fiddled with her bracelet.

‘There is no me and Sam,’ I assured her.

‘Well there should be. You’d be good for him. And for the kids. You’re a better match than he and I ever were.’

And then she turned and went back the way she came, leaving me speechless, but just a tiny bit elated.

After she left, I sat there on the bench, just thinking what to do next. I was hot and thirsty and slightly sweaty in this fitted dress but I couldn’t move. I’d spent the last month so absorbed in the preparations for Laura and Hamish’s wedding and then Maria and Stanley’s that I’d pushed my own needs to the back of my mind.

Could it be my turn? To do what I wanted, to search for my own happy ending? A stirring of excitement fizzed inside me. I thought it just might be.

Pandora had as good as given me her stamp of approval. Weird but good. And according to his daughter, Sam was lonely and she seemed to think Sam was grumpy without me. So in theory, there was nothing standing in my way. Other than me.

I remembered that line in Freddie’s letter: what do you want, Fearne Lovage?

‘Sam,’ I said aloud, startling myself.

I wanted Sam. Sam who had so quickly become the person I thought about when I woke up and the person whose face was there in my dreams. The man whose body I longed to caress, whose lips I wanted to feel against mine again.

‘You called?’ came a familiar voice.

I gasped. Sam was standing in the exact spot where Pandora had crept up on me only minutes ago. He took a few steps forward and I sprang to my feet to face him, the beautiful man who’d found his way into my heart even though I’d done my hardest to keep him out, for both our sakes.

‘Yes … no, I mean, I was just talking to myself and—’ I shut myself up with a groan. I sounded like an idiot. I was an idiot. How could I ever have thought I’d be able to just remain friends.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said, his eyes smiling with warmth. ‘I seem to make a habit of turning up and frightening you to death.’