Page 125 of My Kind of Happy

‘The day after Freddie came to visit, my world turned upside down,’ Yasmin said, blotting a tear from her face. ‘Anything that wasn’t about Rav or the baby didn’t exist for me for the next few months.’

She poured us more water and filled us in with the details of what had happened. Rav had woken up the next morning in such pain that he couldn’t even manage to get out of bed. When a doctor came to see him he’d said that it was only a matter of time and that all she could do for Rav was to keep him comfortable and love him. He died that evening and for Yasmin, that was only the start of the nightmare. Even though she’d known that Rav wouldn’t be with her for long, she hadn’t been prepared to watch him go. The shock made her ill and a week later, concerned for the health of the baby, Yasmin’s midwife arranged for an emergency Caesarean section. Rav and Yasmin’s daughter was born a month early into a world of grief and sorrow.

‘For a while I couldn’t bond with her, I couldn’t even decide what to call her. I didn’t know whether to name her for her father or whether that would be a constant reminder of him. I even considered calling her Freddie at one point.’

‘Inca is a beautiful name, I think you chose wisely.’ I looked at the little girl, sitting on the grass, concentrating on a daisy which Sam had picked for her.

Yasmin smiled. ‘Thank you. But at the time I couldn’t connect with anything. My mum took over the funeral arrangements, Rav had already chosen what he wanted: no fuss, no flowers, no wake, just the briefest service. It had been one of the few times we argued, I’d thought his friends and family should be allowed a space to mourn. But as it turned out, even the quiet, private send-off we gave him broke my heart because I didn’t want to say goodbye, I wanted him with me.’

‘My mum did the same, Freddie hadn’t left instructions so I let her make all the decisions. She said it helped her, but to me it was all so surreal,’ I said, shuddering at the memory. ‘Afterwards I shut myself off from everyone, too angry with life to be bothered with the outside world.’

‘Same here,’ said Yasmin.

We exchanged a look of solidarity. Even though we’d both suffered, there was something therapeutic about sharing our experiences.

‘Rav’s friends had heard about Freddie’s accident but they decided I had enough to deal with so they didn’t tell me. It was a month until I found out. By then I was a single mother who felt alienated from her own child. I almost considered giving her up, I thought she deserved better. It was another month before I admitted that I needed help.’

I squeezed her hand. ‘Oh Yasmin, I wish I’d known all this, I wish I could have helped.’

‘I feel awful,’ said Sam gruffly. ‘I was caught up in my own marital problems. When I texted you and you said you were fine, I should have known you were bluffing.’

Yasmin held her arms out to Inca and Sam handed her over.

‘You’re both good people,’ she said. ‘But I had to get there in my own time. My job as Inca’s sole parent is a privilege and I’m trying to bring her up the way we would have done if Rav and I were sharing the responsibility of parenthood. Every time I catch her looking solemn I wonder if those first two months when we were strangers to one another will have done any lasting damage. But then she smiles and her father’s loving eyes shine back at me and I know it’s going to be OK.’

Inca pressed chubby hands to her mum’s face and made loud kissing noises and we all laughed.

‘It’s obvious you’re a good team now,’ I said, tickling Inca’s soft foot.

Yasmin smoothed her hand over Inca’s hair. ‘I’m glad you and Sam came to see me today, it does me good to talk about Rav. And Freddie. But I still know that it’s my fault that Freddie died, if I hadn’t asked him to visit Rav that day—’

I shushed her with my hand. ‘An accident is just that. Unfortunate, unforeseen and unfair. Until Sam had told me about you and Rav and Inca I’d been holding on to my anger. I’d never understood why an experienced rider like him had taken risks in bad weather. I should have known him better; I should have trusted his judgement. He did the only thing he could in the circumstances, I understand that now.’

Yasmin stared at me uncertainly. ‘Even though he’s no longer—’

‘I want you to have this,’ I interrupted her, pulling out a copy of his letter I’d made on my printer at home before Sam and I had set off. ‘Freddie wrote it to me when he was twenty-one. He spent his life in the pursuit of happiness, both for himself and others. He’d have no regrets about his life. And you mustn’t either. That last act of kindness, arranging to take Rav out would have made Freddie just as happy as Rav. You can be sure of that.’

As she read through the letter, I watched a thousand emotions flash across her face until finally she looked at me, her eyes sparkling with happiness.

‘Thank you,’ she said, her voice raw.

‘Thank you,’ I replied. ‘Today has helped me in ways you’ll never know.’

Sam and I drove back home in easy silence, finding excuses to touch each other when the traffic stopped. Scamp, thankfully, conceded defeat and sprawled out along the back seat.

‘You promised me an adventure and you certainly delivered,’ I said, jingling my keys once we were back outside my house in Pineapple Road.

He looked at me, full of concern. ‘Are you glad you know about Rav and Yasmin?’

I opened the front door and let Scamp run inside and then turned back to him.

‘I’ve been so angry: with Freddie, with fate. But now I feel like a weight has been lifted off me,’ I reached for him and he stepped closer. ‘Meeting her and Inca has changed everything. I can’t thank you enough.’

He brushed the hair back from my face, a smile playing on his lips.

‘Yes you can,’ he said and kissed me again.

Sunday lunch was forgotten, but he stayed for supper. And breakfast.