Page 124 of My Kind of Happy

‘Neither.’

‘He’ll get used to it,’ said Sam, firmly, tickling the dog’s wiry ears.

I couldn’t speak for Scamp, but I’d happily get used to it, I thought as our little trio departed from Pineapple Road.

Yasmin lived just outside the centre of Sheffield. It took us longer to get there than it should have done because the quickest route would have taken us over the winding road where Freddie’s accident had happened. I wasn’t sure how long it would be before I was brave enough to drive that way, but even with Sam by my side it wasn’t going to be today.

Sam directed me to Yasmin’s address and we parked on the opposite side of the street. I waited in the car with Scamp with the windows wound down while Sam got out and knocked on the door.

So this was where Freddie had been that day. This time, the twist of guilt I felt for doubting him was mixed with a wave of pride. Right until his last moments he’d lived his life according to the plan he’d set out for himself when he’d written that letter to me in India. Every day, in every way, I thought, feeling a prick of tears, Freddie continued to inspire me and fill me with pride.

The front door opened and a woman in denim shorts and a vest top appeared on the doorstep. She had dark skin and a soft cloud of black hair and greeted Sam with a one-armed hug. Her other arm was wrapped around a chubby baby who was balanced on her hip, wearing only a nappy. Despite straining to listen, I couldn’t hear what they were saying but my pulse raced as Yasmin pressed a hand over her mouth and Sam squeezed her shoulder. They both looked in my direction as Sam pointed to my car. I was holding my breath, nervous about what her reaction would be.

The next second, Yasmin was crossing the road towards me; there was a smile on her face, but her eyes mirrored my own nervousness. She tightened her grip on the baby as she leaned down to my open window.

‘Hello,’ she said, shyly. ‘Please, come in, I’m so happy to meet you.’

‘This is Inca, my daughter,’ said Yasmin, proudly, pressing a kiss into the baby’s soft curls. ‘She’s into everything. I don’t think it’ll be long until she’s walking.’

We were sitting under a huge sunshade which took up most of Yasmin’s tiny back garden. There was a jug of iced water on the table along with a plate of fruit which Yasmin had hurriedly pulled together. After sniffing every corner of the garden, Scamp flopped in the shade under my chair.

‘She’s beautiful.’ I held out a finger to the little girl. She grabbed onto it and beamed at me, revealing four perfect white teeth.

‘She’s the image of her dad,’ Yasmin smiled. ‘And has his sense of adventure, unfortunately.’

She had been through such a lot over the last year and yet she had the sunniest smile; I warmed to her instantly.

‘I’ve told Fearne how Rav and I met,’ said Sam. ‘We didn’t spend an awful lot of time together, but he was great fun to be around and he loved that motorbike.’

Yasmin rolled her eyes fondly. ‘And I hated it with as much passion as he loved it, but it’s good to know it brought him happiness.’

Inca struggled against her mum’s arms to be set free and Sam asked if he could have her. He walked her around the garden, bouncing her in his arms and pointing out things to capture her interest. The sight of the little girl nestling in his broad arms sent my hormones into overdrive; how did he manage to look so sexy and yet so adorable at the same time?

‘He’s great with babies,’ Yasmin said with a note of amusement, watching me.

‘He’s had two already,’ I said, gulping my ice cold water. ‘So I guess he knows what he’s doing. Unlike me. You seem like you’re enjoying being a mum?’

‘I love it,’ she said, gazing at her daughter. ‘Although we had a rocky start, she and I. It was hard to see past my grief for a while.’

‘That’s understandable.’ None of my close friends had had children, but I could imagine how acclimatising to motherhood would be difficult enough without trying to deal with grief at the same time.

‘How are you coping,’ she asked, ‘after losing your brother?’

‘It doesn’t get easier,’ I replied, ‘but I’m getting used to it. I still burst into tears randomly, but less than I did.’

Yasmin nodded. ‘Freddie was so kind and gentle with Rav that day. By then everything hurt, his bones, his joints … everything. My heart was in my mouth when Freddie started up the bike. I hardly dared breathe while they were gone. But when they came back I knew it had been the right thing to do. Experiencing that rush of speed again had made Rav feel alive.’

‘There’s no feeling like it,’ said Sam. He was holding on to Inca’s hands now, supporting her while she explored the grass with her bare feet.

I smiled, remembering the sensation for myself; it was exhilarating.

‘Rav and Freddie were both emotional when they got back and Freddie helped Rav climb off the bike. We all knew it was Rav’s last ride. After Freddie left …’ She paused, a look of anguish crossing her gentle face, ‘Rav was buzzing for the rest of the night. We had no idea that Freddie didn’t make it home. I’ll never forgive myself for that.’

‘You must,’ I insisted. ‘Because there’s nothing to feel guilty about. Freddie would have enjoyed being with Rav, he’d have had no regrets.’

‘Thank you,’ she said, swallowing. ‘Kindness must be a family trait.’

‘And I was on holiday completely oblivious to any of this,’ Sam grimaced. ‘I hadn’t heard that Rav’s illness had deteriorated to that degree and I didn’t know about Freddie until after the funeral.’