Page 91 of Born to Scar

“Uh…” The tears that prickle at the edges of my eyes roll over.

“You’re allowed to feel all of your feelings.”

“Ashamed, tired, sad, hurt, guilty. I want others to be safe around me. I want to feel safe.”

She nods. “Do you trust any of the people out in that waiting room? There is a crowd of them.”

Surprise rushes through me, and my eyes widen. “How many?”

“Eight or nine, I think. And an attorney that will need to talk to you, when you’re feeling up to it.”

“Which one?” Her brows furrow. “There are three out there.”

She chuckles. “I believe his name is Ken.”

I nod even as the sting of her not saying Cam’s name pierces through me. “Yeah, okay.”

“We’ll see each other later, Indy. And I’ll let Ken know that he can join us.” With a nod, she walks to the door.

“Is it normal to talk to your dead sister? She came to me. It was like a dream, but it felt so real,” I blurt out.

With her hand on the handle, Dr. Reese turns back toward me with a soft smile. “When under extreme duress, it’s not uncommon to latch on to something that makes you feel safe. This was probably the case for you while enduring”—she pauses, searching for the right word—“the atrocities you were experiencing. Let’s talk more about this during our appointment.”

When Lainy comes back in, her smile drops as she takes in my tears.

“Is everyone out there? That doctor said there’s a crowd of people out there.”

She nods. “Everyone’s here for you, yeah.”

More tears fall. “Why?” I whisper.

“Because we love you. We want to support you. We want you to know that we are here for you.”

“But I’m so…dirty.”

She grips my cheeks in her palms, just like Jenny used to do, just like she did when she came to me earlier. I don’t believe in this shit, but I can’t help but wonder if she’s appearing through Lainy right now, reminding me of her, to let me know she’s still with me. Just like she said she’d be.

She shakes her head. “No, you aren’t. Don’t let what was forced on you determine your self-worth. You were forced to endure those things, and now you get to heal from them. That makes you strong and determined. You didn’t choose to be those things, but you are. Life made you. We’re all here, and any one of us will listen when you want to talk. You have your pick. We’ll help you fight your battles. You won’t ever have to go at it alone. We won’t let you.”

Pulling Lainy into a hug, I bawl. For the first time, I feel like this is a cleansing. I still have a lot of work to do, but maybe this is a turning point. Maybe I can finally find the peace I so desperately seek without drugs, speed, sex, and pain.

“I want to see them,” I whisper. She pulls back with a smile that lights up the room. It even lights up a part of my heart.

“You have no idea what those words will mean to them. You need to let the nurses know.”

I press the nurse’s button. After explaining to the nurse that I’m ready for visitors, she says, “There are a lot of them out there. They can’t all come in at the same time. Max is four.”

I nod and look at Lain. “I want Mik first. Only Mik. Explain to Cam and Jay that⁠—”

She interrupts me, shaking her head, “They know, Indy.”

Lain and the nurse leave me in the silence of the room. It’s short-lived as only seconds pass before Mik bursts through the door. “Don’t you ever do that to me again,” he sniffles. He rushes over, picking me up in a hug that crushes me.

“I’m sorry, Mik. I am so sorry,” I say. He squeezes until I squirm. “Mik, you’re squeezing too tight.” He loosens his grip but doesn’t let go. “I always come back.”

He nods. “But this was different. I felt it. I know it was.”

He’s right; this time was different. I was gone and almost couldn’t find my way back. “I know, Mik, but I did. I found my way.” I’m still working on getting my whole self back, but I’m back enough for now.