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“I got to go Jah.” I turned to walk away, and she grabbed my hand, pulling me to her, she grabbed a hold of my shirt and tried to pull me closer to her. She stood on her tippy toes struggling to reach my lips. I finally gave in and moved down to her lips and kissed her passionately before releasing her. She had tears welled up in her eyes and I had tears pouring from my soul. I often wondered why my life was so fucked up. Every time shit looked up to a nigga some bad shit had to happen that would pull me back down into that deep depression that I had to fight with just to stay sane for my sisters that fully depended on me.

“Promise me that you will come and see about me when you straight. If you ever need me Soulful, I will be right here for you.” I nodded my head and turned to walk away from her. Each step that I took felt heavier than the last. I got in the car and embraced the silence. I drove twenty miles to a good hospital and carried my mom in through the entrance. I laid her down in the chair and took a good long look at her.

Backhanding the tears that had fallen down my face, I could barely recognize her. I saw her in the light and got mad all over again. She had knots all over her forehead and her lips were swollen as well. It looked like her nose was broken; her brown body had bruises all over. The purple maxi dress she had on was ripped and exposing some of her lady parts. Niggas had violated my momma bad but not how she violated Passion by putting her in that predicament.

Yelling out for the concierge to come help her and send my momma a doctor, I walked out of the hospital with blurry eyes and a heavy heart. I remembered what Jocelyn told me and agreed a hundred percent. My mom knew what she was doing, naming me Soulful Hurtz. I had a permanent feeling of hurt embedded inside of me. I didn’t see that shit going away no time soon.

Chapter Nineteen

SOULFUL HURTZ

I wiped my face so much to quickly wipe the tears away that my cheeks were burning. I knew I had small welts on my face from the heavy rings on my fingers. I backhanded my face so much to attempt to stop the tears because I didn’t want to risk Luv or Jocelyn catching me having a weak-ass moment.

I was the man of this house and never wanted to show weakness. I allowed myself to have my moments and let them go. Little things triggered me, like my sister’s, especially Passion. Seeing how far we all came and what wealth brought us was amazing. I remember when that night took place and I found Passion and my mom in that park. Passion just wasn’t the same. She lost her glow, and she wasn’t as vibrant, she didn’t even talk much for a long time after that.

Passion would one word us and stay in her room until Sovereign got her out of that. My sisters and I were very humble and grateful. We didn’t take advantage of the fact that we were now wealthy. We had our ups and downs, but we still made sure to love on one another. Since we didn’t have parents or much family we stuck together and they respected me as their leader, guardian, and someone they could be open with.

“Are you going to leave me?” I turned to see Jocelyn walking in the front room looking timid and tired. She had bags around her eyes like she hadn’t slept much, she looked how she did when she first learned that her brother was murdered.

“It all depends, Jah. Seems like we both wrapped up into our own shit. You hurt the fuck out of me and I’m getting ready to hurt you. That’s if you even give a fuck.” I shook my head and just looked into her pretty ass face. Even with weight loss, Jocelyn was still beautiful as fuck.

Grabbing the throw blanket, she wrapped herself up with it and sat down across from me and I decided to start first.

“I cheated on you the night you almost overdosed.” I stopped talking to gauge her reaction. Her face remained neutral, and she didn’t show any emotion.

“I know you were cheating Soulful. It’s what rich niggas do, that is why I had Dmack.” She shrugged then looked under her nail bed and flicked away invisible dirt. I kept myself calm the best way I knew how and continued this conversation that I was already tired of before it even started good.

“How long you been fucking that nigga?” I looked into her eyes to see if she would tell the truth. Whenever Joceyln lied, her eyes shifted all around and she couldn’t maintain eye contact to save her life.

“Two years, it’s how I got hooked on cocaine. He started falling in love with me and stopped selling it to me so I went to another guy that I met at a club and copped from him.”

“Two years Jah? I never fucking cheated on you, bro, only once. Fuck the money and fuck the fame! I’ve been dedicated and loyal to you ma. Why the fuck you play a nigga so hard yo’?” My throat burned and I felt a lump forming in my throat as I constantly tried to clear my passageway.

“Oh, please Soul! All you care about is those bad ass sisters and Sovereign! Let me not leave out gay ass Berto. There’s no telling if you fucking him or Sovereign.” She spat as I stood to my feet and halted my steps when I realized for the first time ever, I wanted to slap the light freckles off her fuckin’ face. I chuckled angrily and placed my hands behind my back and started pacing right in front of her.

“Jocelyn, don’t disrespect me again, keep my sisters out yo’ fuckin’ mouth and never disrespect my manhood again before you find yourself dead like that bitch ass nigga that carried yo’ coke head pitiful ass up to my doorstep.” She finally showed emotion, that neutral face of hers cracked and her eyes instantly welled up with tears.

“Soulful, you didn’t… I know you did not kill Dmack!” her voice elevated as her tears fucked me up even more. Was my wife sitting here crying over the next nigga when it felt like she wouldn’t even fight for us?

“Jah, you forget how the fuck I am. What I come from and most definitely what I’m about.” I said in a chill tone.

“You thought another drug dealing nigga was gon’ come to my house, private property where I rest my head… where my sisters rest their head, kiss my wife on the lips and enter my fuckin’ home! You really thought in ya fucked up mind that this nigga was gon’ be able to live and tell the tale bitch!”

“I’m in love with him Soulful but I love you!!!Why did you fucking kill him!” She sobbed, and I stopped pacing and casually walked up to the big canvas picture of me and her on our wedding day and snatched it off the wall. I purposely tossed it her way knowing it was going to miss her by a couple of inches. The glass shattered making her jump hard.

“Get the fuck out Jah.” The way she was making me feel was crazy as fuck. How was I supposed to process this shit? A woman that I fell in love with was actually in love with another man, a dead one at that.

“I can’t leave, you're all me and my baby has now Soulful! You made my baby a bastard child.” She sniveled and simpered hard. I looked over at her in disbelief. This time I didn’t even stop my own tears. The weight of her words weighed me down so hard that I took a bow until I was on bended knee with my head in my hands. Fuck, she got me down bad.

“Pregnant? With another nigga baby Jah?” I shook my head as I felt my chest constricted hard. A sharp pain hit me as I kept my head bowed, I couldn’t find the strength to even look at her. This the weakest a person ever had me feeling. This couldn’t be the woman that I crushed hard on in high school. The popular chick that even gave me the time of day when I was fat and ugly with not even five dollars to my name. Nah this just couldn’t be her right now.

The old Jocelyn never gave up on me, she knew just how much I went through. She knew the real me and how hopeful I was back then of us and my mom getting and staying sober. This wasn’t the Jocelyn I knew back in the days of poverty. Money had to have changed who she was, and I just couldn’t fathom that. My mind went back to the day Jocelyn approached me when I was on the way home with a bag full of dope.

I already knew I was going to make her mine besides her already having a nigga.

I noticed Jocelyn sitting on her steps while her lame ass nigga got his mack on with her. We locked eyes and I kept pushing past until she called out to me.

“Teddy!” I stopped but didn’t turn around to face her. I could smell her strawberry scent approaching and finally turned to face her.