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It often became hard to ignore negative thoughts especially when you battled hard with bipolar disorder. I was at the point of planning an escape. I knew like hell Jarei would give me hell if I told him that I wanted to leave. He probably feared me leaving just because he didn’t want to step up and be a father to his other child. He knew that with me I wouldn’t ask him for shit when it came to Heaven.

However, Nyla would leave Jr. on him, forcing him to step the fuck up and be a father.

Checking in on the kids, I got sad all over again. They were so innocent and didn’t ask to be here. I feared leaving Jr. I mean look at who he had for a mom and dad.

Walking to my bathroom, I opened my medicine cabinet while nibbling on my bottom lip. My depression was at an all time high and I needed my mood stabilizer medication to keep me balanced for the day. Lithium is what my doctor prescribed me. It worked wonders, it helped control the highs and lows of my disorder. I was also able to recognize when it was my disorder that would have me feeling so down and out and on edge.

I battled with it since a kid, even though I was spoiled it was always that nagging feeling in the back of my brain. I would think that my mere existence wasn’t enough. I would feel useless and sometimes miserable with my mania episodes.

Sitting in the dark, putting bruises on my skin and then inflicting pain to feel alive was one of my biggest problems that I tried my best to hide from my parents. Now that I’m grown, I’m happy they got me the proper help and therapy.

Having no medical insurance made me get a job to help stay on top of my disorder. I didn’t want Jarei seeing or knowing that side of me. Being off my meds would have me purposely starting things with him just to feel the pain he would inflict on me so I wouldn’t inflict it on myself. The fucked up way he talked to me while off my meds also had me believing it and feeling so low that at times I battled with taking my own life.

I prayed all the time, because I had a daughter to raise, and I wanted to be healthy and sane for her. So, I worked my ass off just to keep this medication and continue to pay for refills. Noticing I only had a week's supply left I sighed hard. Once again, all bills were left on me for the month. I liked to have extra spending money to be able to feed me and Heaven.

My food stamps had been cut because they tried to stick me with fraud after finding out that Jarei was fucking my worker and she was purposely giving us more benefits. I prayed that one of my regular good tipping customers was at the restaurant today. They would tip so good that I’d have enough spending money for the entire week.

Pushing my thoughts to the side, I stepped into the shower and said a silent prayer.

Chapter Two

MATTHEW AKA DEBO

Nigga you ain’t really bout that life! This nigga done passed on you with three fuckin’ bricks and he still sitting here pleading his got damn case!

“Shut the fuck up!” I shook my head and blinked my eyes hard.

“Yo Debo, you good nigga?” Solo looked at me like I had lost my mind and I was starting to believe that I was. That was my tenth time hearing that fucking voice in just one week. The voice just kept popping up in my mind, cold part about it was for the past year I had been battling tough with it. Solo knew that something was wrong, he just didn’t like bringing the shit up. Solo was like a brother to my brother-in-law. So, I knew both of them niggas talked about the weird shit they had been witnessing with me. I didn’t give a fuck because I was grown and couldn’t no nigga tell me how the fuck to live my life.

“Where the fuck my shit at nigga?” I smashed the gun hard on top of Junebug’s forehead, then gleamed at all the blood that spurted from this nigga’s head. He had been ducking and dodging my soldiers for the past two weeks. If I had to step down from distribution, then a nigga was going to pay up with his life. I hated tracking niggas down when it came to my money. Although I knew that Ream, my brother-in-law wouldn’t snatch my position from me because he knew I was a thoroughbred nigga. I never got too comfortable and slacked off, not even for small shit like this nigga Junebug running my goons in circles trying to locate him for a couple of thousands not even worth the sweat and hassle.

“Debo, listen-” He flinched hard as hell as I made my way directly into his face.

“No nigga, you listen!” What the fuck he got to listen to Matthew? I swear you on some pussy ass shit nigga! Put this niggas brains in his lap and move on to the next nigga!

“Fuck!” My head was now throbbing and the more I looked up at the bright lights the more I felt like I was about to pass out. I glanced over at Solo and shook my head. He had a look of concern covering his face as I just simply nodded my head toward Junebug.

“I gotta step out for a minute, run to the car. Have a talk with that nigga then end him.” I said nothing else; I hurriedly picked my feet up and quickly walked out of the warehouse. My heart painfully beat hard and fast in my chest like I had run a marathon. My ears felt congested as hell as my vision was growing blurry.

I knew I wouldn’t hear the last of today’s event from Solo. It was nothing for him to handle and end a nigga exactly where he stood but that was my job. Solo only came with me today because he was around the hood collecting bread and decided to ride over here with me. The Blue Diamond Dynasty was a well-organized organization. Although half of our dealings were illegal, we kept shit squared away and tight never stepping out of our roles to cause any form of confusion.

“Ain’t shit a Perc thirty won’t fix.” I mumbled to myself, picking up my pace to reach my truck. I hopped inside and opened my middle console. I eyed the pills as if my life had depended on them. Popping two in my mouth, I crushed them with my teeth until I felt the strong powder of the pills on my tongue. I quickly chased it down with water and closed my eyes, pacing my breathing.

“Fuck is wrong with me?” I really wanted to know. Lately, that voice that I always thought was my conscience, had been fighting me hard as fuck. It felt like that voice wanted to take over me and control my every move. It often disagreed with a lot of my decision making and just to shut it up, I found myself doing what it said. My father battled hard with mental issues and my sister Mattea had her own personal mental problems that she got under control just like my father.

I really ain’t want to go to them with what I thought wasn’t serious. They always felt like I needed them to figure out my fucking problems anyway when I didn’t. A nigga did so much dark shit in my time span of living that it was starting to eat away at me. This shit was going to pass and I would be just fine. I just felt weird as fuck lately and it was starting to make me lose my cool.

I chose to live a gritty life because that voice led me toward it. It’s what made me feel sane. Killing niggas, and chasing after my own money is what I was about. I often took the shit too far and would regret it until I convinced myself that it was just fine and that I had to do what I had to do. I didn’t like depending on a soul and I damn sure didn’t like a person thinking that I needed them for shit. Out of all my father’s kids, I probably was the dark child, the one that gave him and my mom the most fucking problems.

I was born into wealth and I didn’t give a fuck since I was old enough to remember that I didn’t give a fuck. I picked my phone up and took a look at all the missed calls and text messages, mainly from my mom and dad. Then my sister Mattea sent me text messages just simply annoyed with my decision to ignore them all.

I missed my family but they got on my nerves. They didn’t respect the fact that I was a grown-ass man. Deep down inside I was also embarrassed, scared that I would flip out at the wrong time and make them disown a nigga. I didn’t want that at all because they all were my lifeline. Especially my mom, she just had that soft welcoming touch. That’s another reason I stayed away from them. One look at me and my momma would know that something was wrong with me. I didn’t need her worrying when my dad and siblings were enough work for her to have to deal with.

I sat stuck for a minute, rolling me up a blunt and sparking it. Inhaling then exhaling, I let the thoughts race through my brain. For the life of me, I couldn’t establish who the fuck I was. That in itself would make the average person want to blow their brains out. I didn’t even know what the fuck was going on with me, I desperately tried to sort it out but couldn’t. Right now, I felt like I had a little bit of control but each day that passed felt like I was losing a grip that could end up dangerous for me and the people surrounding me.

One moment, I got full control over myself and the next I was a raging fuckin’ beast ready to annihilate some shit. Boom! Boom! Boom! Instead of jumping I pulled my nine and pointed it towards the noise. Seeing it was Ream, I rolled the window down and looked at him.

Ignoring the rage that was hidden behind his eyes I waited for him to speak.