Page 84 of Brain Damage

Please say no.

“I’m in love with Haley,” he says like I’m stupid for suggesting otherwise. “The arrangement between you and me would be strictly platonic.”

“So if I wanted to be with another man…?”

Clark laughs. “Are you serious?”

My cheeks start to feel hot. “What does that mean?”

“Charlotte,” he says, shaking his head. “I know you don’t have a lot of insight into your situation. I mean, that’s what the therapists say. But I think it’s better for you to realize that you’re not in any position to be in a sexual relationship with a man. Not me—not anyone. I mean, I’m not sure if you’re aware of how you look right now. But… it’s just not going to happen. Ever. I think it would be cruel for me to act like it’s some sort of realistic possibility.”

“Why not?” I ask, then instantly wish I hadn’t said anything. I’m not sure I want to hear the answer to that question.

“Why not?” Clark repeats. “Charlotte, I don’t even know where to begin. Half your skull is missing. You’re wearing a diaper. You can’t walk or even push your own chair. You can’t even sit up without practically falling over to the left side. I really don’t foresee any man jumping on that, you know?”

I wish Clark would leave. I wish we didn’t have training right now.

“You’re really lucky that you have me,” he adds. “Because if you didn’t, you would have no one for the rest of your life. No man, anyway. So you should be really grateful to me.”

I look down at my sheets. I can’t look at Clark right now. I’m worried he’s going to make me tell him how grateful I am to him.

“So we have a deal?” Clark asks me.

I have this feeling that the old Charlotte never would’ve agreed to this. But then again, maybe she would have. After all, she was the one who married this guy.

“Okay,” I hear myself saying.

“Also,” he says, “a little thanks would be nice. I did a lot for you today. You owe me.”

I just stare at him.

“I’m waiting.” He folds his arms across his chest. “Let’s hear you say thank you, Charlotte.” When I don’t say anything, he adds, “If you’d prefer, I can walk out of here and never come back.”

Part of me wants to tell him to just go. But the thought of being stuck in a nursing home the rest of my life sends shivers down my spine. “Thank you,” I mumble.

He nods in satisfaction. “Now was that so hard?”

60

The next morning, Clark comes in early again to train with Valerie. He does more of the work in helping me get dressed. (Correction: dressing me.) It still feels weird that Clark is dressing me. I mean, this is the man that I married, that I used to make love to, and now he’s basically my nurse. But I guess it’s something I’ll get used to.

After Valerie leaves, Clark stands over me. He never sits down to talk to me, the way my mother does.

“I just dressed you,” he says.

I stare at him, unsure what he’s getting at.

“I just dressed you,” he says again, “and I didn’t hear you thank me.”

Not this again. “Thank you,” I mumble.

Clark cups a hand to his ear. “A little louder. Your voice is so slurred, it’s hard to hear you.”

“Thank you!” I say hoarsely.

He nods in satisfaction. “Also,” he says, “I was just thinking about the living arrangement after you get out of here…”

“Oh,” I say.