Page 83 of Brain Damage

We spend the better part of the next hour on the porch playing catch. It’s the most fun I’ve had in a long time. Maybe years.

59

I was never the sort of person who liked to nap. When I was up for the day, I just wanted to be up. Napping always made me feel disoriented, like I wasn’t sure what time it was.

It’s funny how napping has now become my favorite activity.

First of all, I’m tired all the time, to varying degrees. There’s a medication I’m taking that’s supposed to make me less tired, but I guess it’s not working. Or not working enough, at least. And anyway, I’m always disoriented no matter what. May as well work in a little sleep. Not like there’s anything better to do around here when I’m not in therapy.

Meals make me the most tired. The second I eat, I immediately want to sleep. This morning, I wake up very early for breakfast, eat too much, then pass out again soon after. Jamie told me once he does the same thing. He calls it his “morning siesta.”

I wake up from my nap to the sound of whispers from the corner of my room. The room is still dark, so I give my eyes a chance to adjust, and I can make out the image of my husband, sitting in the corner of the room, talking on his cell phone.

“Yeah, she’s still asleep,” Clark is saying into his phone. “That’s mostly what she does now. Sleep.”

Well, he’s got my number.

“I know, I’m dreading it,” he continues. “It’s rough but… it’s worth it. For sure.”

I don’t know to whom Clark is talking, but he’s obviously talking about me. And he’s saying it’s worth it to take care of me. For sure, he said. Well, that’s comforting.

“Look,” he says, sounding a little bit angry. “You’re not the one in debt. This is a lot of money we’re talking about. What do you want me to do? Go back to scraping around for wills or divorces just to pay the bills?”

What?

“I know,” he says, quieter this time. His voice is gentle now. “Believe me, I don’t want to do this. But it’s the best option right now… anyway, I should go. She’ll probably wake up soon.” Then he adds, “I love you.”

It’s too much to hope for that he’s talking to his mother or something innocent like that. I feel sick. My husband is cheating on me. He’s practically doing it right in front of my face.

“Charlotte!” Clark beams at me when he sees my eyes are open. He doesn’t seem the least bit concerned that I overheard his conversation as he walks across the room to stand by my bed. I guess he overestimates my brain damage. “You’re awake. And I’m on time, see?”

“You’re cheating on me,” I blurt out.

Clark’s eyes widen. He shakes his head, obviously struggling to keep the smile plastered on his face. “Charlotte, what are you talking about?”

“You’re cheating on me,” I repeat, with more confidence this time. “With…” I reach into the dark recesses of my damaged brain. “With Haley.”

I can see Clark debating whether or not to deny it. Finally, he drops his head. “I’m sorry.”

I don’t know what else to say. I have a feeling it’s all been said already.

“The thing is,” Clark says softly, “you and I didn’t have a great marriage. I wish we did. I wanted things to work out so badly but…” He takes a breath. “Then I met Haley, and we just fell in love. I didn’t mean for it to happen.”

“Oh,” I say.

I thought I’d feel satisfaction in making him admit it, but weirdly, I don’t. All I feel is like I’ve been punched in the gut. He doesn’t even seem like he feels all that bad about it. I thought Clark was my savior, but I was wrong. I have no savior.

“Look, I’m going to be straight with you, Charlotte,” he says. “You need my help. And I could really use the money from your disability payments. To be blunt, I’ve gotten myself in a bit of financial trouble. So maybe we could have a mutually beneficial arrangement.”

I feel a bit confused. I didn’t think my disability payments were that high. It wasn’t enough for my mother to pay for help around the house. But I guess it’s enough for Clark.

“Believe me,” Clark goes on, “there are plenty of married couples out there who are only together for financial reasons. It’s actually better this way, that we’re both clear about our arrangement.” He pats my right hand gently. “I felt bad lying to you about Haley.”

My throat feels suddenly dry. “So you don’t… feel anything for me?”

Clark gives me this pitying look that makes my stomach turn. “In public, I’ll pretend. I know that’s really important to you. I’ll act like we’re just a normal couple. Like I’m still really devoted to you since you got hurt.”

“And you’d still keep seeing Haley?” I ask in a small voice.