Page 40 of For the Ghastly and Beautiful

She has no right to speak of being manipulated. She turned that entire conversation around to benefit her own motives, just as she usually does. We’re all puppets for her to command.

I don’t know if I can forgive her for lying to me about something so important.

I wander the village and gardens for hours with the same thoughts rippling through my mind. As I calm down, I realize that she is why I walk away, why I see the worst in people. No matter how much I love her, I’ll always be a part of her agenda.

This knowledge makes me feel as though the cloth has been removed from my eyes. The haze of the last few hours lifts, and I find myself outside Ada’s door. My hand is poised to knock, but I don’t know what I should say.

Why did I come here?

My room is so close I can see the grain on the wooden surface from where I stand. I could sulk in peace. Or go to Imryll, if I really want to talk.

I don’t.

What I want is for Ada to not be mad at me, not hate me.

I lean against the wall, sliding down to slump on the floor and collect my somber thoughts. I must look like a pathetic fool, but I can’t find the will to care.

Why would Spiran place something right in front of me ‌I so desperately want, all while knowing I’m not deserving? The goddess taunts me every time Ada is near.

I bump my head on the wall, feeling the frustrations of the night morph and build until they reach the pinnacle of my self-loathing.

“Not that I mind,” Ada whispers, smirking down at me as she points to the floor. “But why are you here?”

I didn’t notice her open the door, too engulfed in my head to pay attention to my surroundings. I’m not sure what I should say to her, and she seems to know that.

The smirk turns into a small grin, her cheeks rounding as she bites her lip in amusement. She finds my predicament comical.

I can’t leave now.

It would only make things worse.

“I don’t know. I walked away from—” I cover my face and sigh. It’s heavy with regret. “I walked away.”

“You wanted to let me know that I’m not the only person you walk away from?”

“No. I suppose I owe you an apology.”

She snorts. “You suppose?”

I stand, staring at the ceiling as she so often does. There’s nothing useful to be found, so I shake my head and force some bravado into my voice.

“Can I come in?”

Ada steps aside, closing the door behind me. She waits patiently as I glance around. This is a room I’m familiar with, but it feels different now that she’s occupying the space. It’s lively, as if the walls themselves have taken a breath of fresh air and expanded with the inhale.

She sits in the middle of the bed, tucking a slip of parchment into the book she was reading. Her skin glows against the white shirt that hangs off her shoulder. And if I didn’t know it was Connak’s, I would be jealous.

Not that I have a reason to be.

When I found it while unpacking her things, I tried to throw it out. Connak had doubled over with laughter at my agitation, wheezing that it was his. I hadn’t expected his admission to relax me so quickly, but it did.

He would be good for her, good to her.

I wouldn’t.

“Cat got your tongue?”

I squint at her. “I don’t know what that means.”