Page 26 of A SEAL’s Vigilant Heart

Find a man who will love and cherish you. I wish I could be there to see you shine on your wedding day, and to hold my grandchildren. I know you will be an extraordinary mother. Know that every day I will be watching over you from Heaven.

I love you,

Mom

“Oh Mom, I hope you’re watching right now.” Sophia re-read the letter three times and then curled up on the floor.

“I love you too, but you can’t love me. You can’t mean those things.”

She knew how she had been at the end. Her mother had been a burden. Sophia had tried not to show it. She had tried to be good and loving and supportive. But sometimes it had all been just too overwhelming.

“I tried to be good. I tried, Mom, I tried.” So many tears, she saw one spatter on the letter and sobbed harder trying to wipe it off. Not wanting anything to damage it. She put it back in the album.

She remembered that twice her mother had been sleeping, but still in pain, and she’d leave her there because she just needed space. Sophia knew she had been the worst daughter in the world.

“Ah God, Mom.” She grabbed the second box still on the floor and yanked it open. She knew it had some of her mother’s things. Not photos. She started pulling the contents out until she finally found what she was looking for. Her mother’s jewelry box. She clawed at the tiny little clasp and finally got it open. All of the jewelry fell out in a jumble.

“Dammit! Look what I’ve done now.” She pawed through the pile, but couldn’t find what she was looking for. “I can’t find it, Mom. Your locket I can’t find it.” More tears came.

She held up the tangled mess and sobbed.

“Why can’t I do anything right? I’m sorry, Mom.”

Big, strong arms swept her up and carried her to the sofa.

“Go way. Need Kleenex.” Mason understood her slurred words. He kissed her forehead and was back before she even realized he had left. He had brought a glass of water for her too. He blotted her tears and then waited for her to blow her nose.

“Drink this.” When her hands trembled, he held the glass steady for her as she sipped the water which only made more tears leak. His was just the kind of love her mom had been talking about.

“Can you tell me?”

She shook her head. He set down the glass of water, pulled her in, tucking her head under his chin, and held her close. She breathed in the scent of him. It soothed her.

“This is helping,” she finally said.

“I’m glad.”

She spied the letter where it lay on the coffee table. She reached for it and handed it to him.

“Before you read it, I need you to know some things, okay? And I need you to really look at me and listen. And not listen through the lens of someone who loves me. Can you make that promise? On your honor?”

“On my honor.”

“In the end for the last two months of my mother’s life, it was brutal. There were so many times she didn’t recognize me. When she did, she was in so much pain the medication often didn’t manage it. There were a few times we could reminisce about when she was all there. But they were few and far between.” Sophia grabbed the glass and finished what was left of the water.

“Mostly it was bad. I hated seeing her like that. I was lucky to get two hours of sleep because she would talk and moan in her sleep. I would try to keep her spirits up, but sometimes I would just take off. That’s how I ended up seeing you at Moonlight Beach. I should have been there with her. I actually lost my temper twice when she threw her dinner across the room. She thought I was poisoning her food.”

“Oh Sophia, why didn’t you tell me this before?”

“Let me finish.”

“I yelled at my mother. I actually yelled at her. She was sick in bed, obviously sick out of her mind, and I yelled at her. What kind of monster was I? I didn’t just do it once Mason, I did it twice. I swear to God, I don’t know which one of us was sicker.” Sophia took a breath, but it wouldn’t come. She tried taking another, but nothing. She looked up at Mason, and grabbed her chest, willing air into her lungs, but it was as if all the air had left the living room.

He sat them up and pushed her head between her knees.

“It’s okay baby, you’re having a panic attack.” He stroked his hand down her spine, up and down. Up and down. She felt gentle kisses on the top of her head, as he whispered nonsense that made her smile. Finally, she felt air slip into her lungs.

He swung her around so she was once again nestled in his arms.