Page 75 of A Crown of Hopes and Sorrows

And I’d already fucked that up in the short time of our relationship.

I had been jealous of Zephyrus. Maybe that was my misstep. Damn it. I kicked the chariot wall, and Delon shifted towards me, dropping the reins onto his lap. “I think we’ll make it to Ansair in good timing if we keep up the pace.”

I nodded. “What do you know of Niria’s connection with Ansair?”

Perhaps this was a test. Hyacinth had said he needed me to focus on his kingdom as much as our relationship. Maybe if I successfully created an alliance with them, Hyacinth would give me another chance.

Gods, all I wanted was to take back every hurt I’d ever caused him.

Starting with the obnoxious way I’d treated him at fifteen, to the headache I’d created for him when I first visited, and scrubbing out the entire morning. The shock on his face. The disbelief in his eyes. What Zephyrus said was true. Why would someone as good as Hyacinth bother with a mess of a god like me?

Delon laughed. “Niria and Ansair’s relationship is shit. There’s not a maiden’s chance in Zeus’ bedroom of us making an alliance with them.”

That sank into me.

So, this wasn’t an actual mission.

Hyacinth had set us up with a task that would fail. The last scrap of hope ripped from me, and I felt as though I stood bare and aching on the icy cliffs of loss. Hyacinth was everything to me. And I’d thrown our relationship away with actions that took a dozen heartbeats.

Delon side-eyed me, his jaw jumping. “Do y’know something interesting about Cyn?”

Discussing Hyacinth with him was at the bottom of things I wished to do, but he’d also gotten stuck with me. “What’s that?”

“I love to tease him about his sexual partners.” Okay, there was officially something lower on the list of things I didn’t want to talk about. And one of them was the fact that Hyacinth was desired by others, that he would likely find another partner, someone better who would actually deserve him. Delon carried on like he didn’t notice the change in my mood. “But for all the shit I’ve given Cyn, I couldn’t name a single person he’s been with before you.”

“He’s been with others.”

“I know.” He clicked his tongue at the horses and urged them back to the center of the road, the sun draping in washes of crisp oranges over the valley ahead of us. “The point I’m making is that I’ve never heard about any of them. Maybe he told Emrin or Valerian—he was always closest with them—but you’re the first partner he’s had that he’s wanted others to know about.”

All the justifications and regrets and anger washed away.

And left me with one thing.

Sadness.

So bitter and bone deep it was like plunging into an icy pond, the grip of it sinking into muscles before I had a proper chance to catch my breath.

I’d ruined everything.

With the only person I’d ever loved. The only person I ever would love… I was sure of it.

And I had destroyed that.

“I’m sure he regrets that now,” I said gruffly and leaned farther into the corner of the chariot, away from Delon.

“Do you really think that?”

“Of course.” I gestured out to the world. The gold of the sun looped over my hands like my future reached out for me. “He sent us on a worthless mission he knew we couldn’t succeed at.”

“Yeah, well, he’s fucking pissed at you.”

“It’s deserved.”

“That’s true.” I sighed, and Delon kicked his ankle up on his knee. “I’ve seen Hyacinth angry a few times. He needs space to blow off steam a bit and think matters through.”

“I believe he’s already decided.” The way he looked at me as he told me to go to Ansair seeped into my bones.

“Maybe take heart that he sent me with you.”