Page 105 of A Crown of Hopes and Sorrows

I studied him for a moment, blood hot and coursing through my body. The horses’ breathing filled the space between the pounding rhythm of my heart. “And so, what happened?”

“She told me she was in love with me.” His voice raised and his eyes shimmered. “And, damn it, I’ve been in love with her for years.”

“So, you just acted on your feelings and forgot yourself. Forgot who the fuck she was.”

His nose flared, and he shoved me. I stumbled back a step, surprise blooming through me, as he growled out his words. “Never once in my godsdamn life have I forgotten myself for even a fucking moment. I’ve never been given a chance to.”

I parted my lips to speak, but Valerian swiped his hand out, stalling me. “You know what, Cyn? What your sister said to me is true.” He slammed his fist down on the stall. “I have a right to be judged based on my character and actions. And I’ve not done one thing to Epiphany that I regret or that was ill intended. I would die for her—which I have proved. I’ve always held her with the highest respect. You think some high lord with his head up his ass like you would treat her as well?” He scuffed his boot across the floor, hay gliding away to reveal murky dirt. “I deserve a chance. And fuck you for not seeing that.”

“Val,” I whispered.

“No,” he snapped, his eyes darkening. “Don’t.” He turned on his heel and stormed out of the stable.

I stood staring at the doorway he’d passed through for several minutes, a cooling breeze trailing through the open windows that caused goosebumps to rise over my flesh. Oh, gods. I’d messed up. I clenched my fingers into my palms until they grazed the metal of my rings.

A heaviness swept over me.

I shouldn’t have reacted like that.

I had assumed the worst of Valerian and acted like it was my place to protect my sister. As if she was helpless and Val was a villain. And neither was true. Godsdamnit, I had just headed up the law to allow widows to have more control over their own destiny, and yet here I was making an ass of myself and acting out of antiquated beliefs that I didn’t even buy into. What the hell was I even doing?

Gods, emotions swirled their way out of me lately.

Ever since Apollo…

I gave my head a shake, shoving that thought back, and turned, walking out of the stables, across the gardens, over the fence, until I reached the path I’d beaten down as a teenager. At the end of the trail, I climbed to the top of the cliff, the air biting as it whipped over my skin and walked over to where the waterfall roared its way down the falls, mist peppering out and causing me to shiver as I sat on the cool stone.

I swallowed and clutched my arms around my knees, resting my chin on them. The sun sank in the sky like my mood, being consumed behind dark clouds. Footsteps echoed across the precipice, and I didn’t need to look to know who they belonged to. He walked with so much grace for someone with such a big personality, his steps quiet but sure. I kept my gaze ahead at the sweeping colors of the horizon as Apollo sat beside me, crossing his legs. “I saw you head this way.”

I shrugged, leaning farther against my knees. The ebony stone, slick with water, reflected the bruised color of the sky.

Apollo picked up a pebble, tossing it between his hands. “I wanted to come see if you were okay.”

“Yeah, well, I’m not.” I paused for several heartbeats. “Our kingdom is not in a good position for this war, I’ve returned from this damn trip only to find out my closest friend is”—I made a sound in the back of my throat—“with my sister, and then I screw up things with him mostly because I’m pissed with you.”

Apollo chewed his lip, his gaze on the darkening sky. “That’s understandable.”

“Seriously?” I turned towards him. “That’s all you’re going to say?”

He blinked twice, his golden eyes growing large. I wondered why he wasn’t wearing his veil anymore, but I didn’t know how to have this conversation with him, much less ask about that. “Yes,” he said. “I acted like an ass. I hurt you. It’s reasonable that you might lash out at others.”

I sighed, resting my hands behind me, my fingers dipping into a puddle of cool water. “You know, out of everything—the gods we’ve angered, the war looming, my family...” I turned to face him. “It’s you that scares me the most.”

“Why?” he whispered.

“Because…” I drew my hand back and wiped it on my pants. “I’m so in love with you, even despite you acting like an utter idiot, that it makes me sick with it.”

Apollo sucked in a breath, his lip trembling. He bowed his head, his curls rippling in the breeze.

I breathed in the mist and let the great, swelling feelings rise within me. “I’m still so mad at you that there’s a part of me that wants to push you off this cliff.”

Apollo laughed, his shoulders dropping, and he tossed the pebble over the falls. “I’d find that unpleasant, but it would be fair.”

“It would be.” Wind fluttered our clothes around, and I shivered. “But, right now I’m sitting here realizing what it’s like to act out of emotions and utterly fuck up a relationship”—his eyes lifted—“and it’s making me realize that maybe I’ve been unfair as well.”

His eyebrows cinched. “You haven’t been. Everything you’ve felt and said is true. I messed up terribly.” His voice dropped to a whisper. “I ruin everything I touch. And I’m so sorry for it.”

I sighed. “And I worry too much about always fitting the mold and having the right appearance. Maybe we’re both too hard on ourselves.” I paused, taking a deep breath. “It hurt me that you didn’t tell me about your ascension.”