Page 91 of The Secret Diary of Anne de Bourgh

“My father loved Rosings,” I admitted. “But I believe he loved me more.”

“I do not doubt that at all.” Elizabeth looked at me kindly. “You should speak to Darcy about this, Anne. Would you like me to raise the subject with him, on your behalf?”

For a moment I considered it, cowardly, but then shook my head. If I am to take control over my future, I must at least have the courage to tell Darcy the direction I want it to take.

8 November

I have told Darcy that I wish to sell Rosings.

I had been quite determined upon saying it, but found it more difficult than I expected when I was actually sitting in his study. Richard was there too. He had drawn a chair near to the fire for me, and I spent an unnecessary amount of time arranging my skirt before beginning.

Darcy heard me without interruption, despite my hesitating and stumbling over my words more than once.

Then he asked whether anything had happened to make me uneasy about the management of the estate.

I assured him that it had not. Richard’s account had relieved me upon that subject.

“Then why do you wish to sell?” Darcy asked.

“Because I do not wish to live there.”

He was silent for a moment, looking at me thoughtfully.

“You need not live there, Anne,” he said finally. “There are other arrangements we might make without parting with the property.”

I had expected him to say that.

Darcy spoke of the income Rosings provides, and of the security of retaining an estate which we know. A smaller house could be found without giving up the larger one. I might feel differently in a few years, when my circumstances had changed. A tenant might even be found, much as Netherfield was let to Mr Bingley.

I knew that Darcy was trying to protect me. That made disagreeing with him more uncomfortable.

“But it is when my circumstances change that I am afraid I shall be obliged to return,” I said.

He frowned a little, and I made myself explain.

“If I marry, my husband may wish to live there. It is a very fine house, upon a very fine estate. Everybody tells me so. Why should he wish to purchase another when Rosings is already mine?”

Neither gentleman answered immediately.

“I might persuade him that I should prefer something smaller,” I continued. “But I might not. He might think that I should soon become accustomed to it, or that I should be happy there once I had a family of my own. I have already been told that I need only make happier memories of the place.”

Richard shifted in his chair. I kept my eyes upon Darcy.

“Your wishes ought to carry considerable weight with any gentleman you marry,” Darcy said.

“I should hope so. But I do not want to spend the first years of my marriage trying to persuade my husband not to take me back to Rosings. I should like the matter settled before then.”

It was a relief to have said it plainly.

Darcy looked more serious now. I do not think he had understood quite what troubled me.

“I have been told that I shall feel differently about a great many things,” I said. “But I have wished for a smaller home for some time, and everything I have learnt since leaving Rosings has made me more certain.”

“She spoke to me of this at Pemberley,” Richard said quietly. “It is not a new wish, Darcy.”

Darcy looked towards him, then back at me.

“I do not suppose it is a whim. But selling an estate is a considerable matter.”