Page 19 of Bleed Me

My heart pounded as Viola’s next words seeped into my frazzled mind. “What? Wait, why wouldn’t you know?”

I couldn’t stop staring into the eyes that belonged to the damaged soul in my hold. “She thinks—” Can this be true? “She says—” Have I somehow hurt the one I treasure most? “I don’t remember things.” What have I done? “Oh, Jesus.” I could feel my voice wobble with fear. “Delilah? Tell me I haven’t hurt you.”

Her hand laid on my chest. “Shh, I’m okay. Look into my eyes again, Kenny. Remember who I am.”

Why does she keep saying that?

Delilah guided me and V to her desk. She sat back down while we stood on either side of her. Viola was very involved, asking questions, but my mind raced to comprehend what was happening.

To hear someone say you may have dissociative amnesia was like waking up in another universe. The only reason I believed Delilah, at all, was because I was, indeed, having a loss of time, and the fact that I knew Delilah would never lie to me. I was in such shock. It was almost impossible to hear all that she was saying, but I heard words like split personalities, hallucinations, triggers, and switching.

Delilah went on to explain, “Kenny, it says the ‘switch’ can happen in seconds, and it explains your hallucinations.”

Feeling rather numb by this point, my eyes drifted to Viola, who was now covering her mouth, staring at me. She was mumbling, “Today. At school.”

I blinked. “H-Hallucinate?”

Delilah told me storms were something that triggered me easily. She said more, I think. Even Viola tried to sound encouraging while reading from an article, but it was too late. My mind was melting. I started pacing the room, wondering what had transpired during my ‘lost’ moments. Or was it hours? I was too panicked to ask, so I paced her bedroom, suddenly wanting to run.

Begging myself not to abandon Delilah, to be strong enough to hear the worst news a young man can hear, I rested my back against her bedroom wall, hoping it could ground me. The wall had me, but my legs didn’t. I slid to the floor. There is where I asked her how many personalities I had.

After Delilah told me I had a ‘sweet’ Kenny, she kept talking, but I couldn’t get past the ‘sweet Kenny’ comment that meant I also had a ‘mean Kenny’.

What happened next would be a secret that Delilah and Viola would hold close to their hearts for a very long time.

Once my next blackout—my ‘switch’—had ended, I woke to Viola holding a destroyed Delilah in her lap. All of us sitting on the floor. V was screaming at me, “You fucking bastard! I will fucking kill you with my bare hands!”

“Darlin’? Jesus, Delilah, what’s wrong?”

I rushed forward but stopped when Viola, the girl who feared nothing, seemed completely petrified of me, her scream the only defense keeping me at bay. “Get away from her!”

Horrified that she was so upset, I begged, “Viola, what happened? Did I hurt her?”

Nothing. Nothing could have ever prepared me for what Viola had to say. It was apparent that mean Kenny had taken over during this time loss. Whatever he did or said to her was tormenting and had even V scared. Her words were like knives being stabbed into my ears, so deep they sliced my soul.

In the gas station bathroom, “No!” my fist rammed into the mirror, over and over, until Art had his arm around my throat from behind, yanking me backward.

At the same time, I kept seeing Delilah—that precious girl—reaching out to me. After what I had done, how could she even want to ever look at me again, let alone touch me? Delilah’s unrelenting kindness shattered me. It confirmed I had hurt my angel. I cursed God… and most of all, myself. “Nooooo! Noooo!”

Large bodies struggled with me in that gas station bathroom. Then, something hit me on the back of my head.

I went limp in Art’s firm grip.