Page 36 of A Sweet Destruction

If anything, it was a deeper torture to listen as he said, in a soft, caressing voice, “Shhh, boy. I’m trying to help Esme. You want me to do that, right?”

Sky grumbled, but let him approach. I stayed stroking the underside of his chin to let him know it was okay. The rest of my body could hardly move, it was so stiff.

I closed my eyes as I heard Ford work the buckle of the saddle bag open, then stuff his flannel inside.

You should have put it on, the Bond said, unhappily. Cautiously, though, as if it could sense my fury, my willingness to shove it so far to the back of my mind it wouldn’t find its way out.

Ford was taking his sweet time, which made Sky restless. He kicked his foot again, lifting dust in its wake.

“You already pushed me over, Sky, wasn’t that enough?” Ford asked in a low, rough voice.

It took everything in me not to turn around and ask him what he meant. I stayed strong, if not to convince myself that I could. I couldn’t give in to this hours after feeling the Bond come back.

When Ford was done, buckling my saddle bag closed, he didn’t move. He stayed there, standing behind me, and started stroking Sky’s side. The little traitor immediately relaxed.

I took a wide step away from Ford before I turned around. He was already looking at me. “What?” I snapped, my throat starting to feel funny at his perusal. I much preferred it when he wasn’t paying attention to me.

That’s not true, the Bond said, pouting. I flicked it away like a pestering fly, annoyed that it was telling the truth. Ford had never truly ignored me. He’d treated me with the attention and deference expected of a partner, but that somehow felt worse.

There was something different in the way he was looking at me now, something harder to deal with.

Ford just shook his head, and if I wasn’t mistaken, there was a ghost of a smile playing at his lips. “Normally I’m the one waiting on you. Eager to get out of here?”

“To get away from you,” I snapped, then immediately regretted it.

Not because it was mean, because it was exposing.

Ford’s smile didn’t drop an inch.

He took two steps towards me, closing the distance between us in a second with his long stride. Panic shot through me, telling me to run. At that very moment, Shadow came trotting out from the stables behind Ford.

Ford sensed her arrival, and turned to greet her, giving me a much needed moment to breathe. “Well, apologies, but I can’t do that.”

My head was spinning, all of the sudden overwhelmed by Ford’s proximity and the continued weight of all my aired-out secrets.

“I thought we agreed not to do this,” I said, anger propelling me towards Ford, even though I’d promised myself to keep as much distance—physical and emotional—as possible.

“Do what, Esme?” Ford said, his voice as steady and calm as ever. I hated how much of a rock he was to me, to everyone.

You should be nice to him, the Bond snapped.

Leave me alone, I growled. The Bond was already clawing at me to take care of Ford, annoyed that I wasn’t doing all that I used to. Appeasing the Bond had been a long-studied practice, one method of which was tending to Shadow behind Ford’s back—she was well compensated with treats for letting me—and conveniently meeting his needs under the guise of self protection.

“You’re being intentionally dense,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest. Shadow’s big eyes blinked next to my face, her head turning over my shoulder, pulled in by a desire for chin scratches.

I didn’t remember walking over, getting this close to Ford, but I couldn’t step back now. My stomach pulled tight, a weird sort of anticipation building in my chest, making me want to breathe a little faster.

“Explain it to me anyway,” Ford said, and I saw his cheek kick up in a small smile. He had a more subtle humor, not one for big stories and loud gestures, but I felt the urge to match his smile regardless.

It took effort to keep my lips steady, to make my voice sharp as I said, “Acting like a real paranima. Concerned with my every movement and all that.”

Ford stopped his adjusting, turning towards me. Suddenly, there wasn’t enough room at all. Shadow’s head was curled over my shoulder and Ford was too close. There was nothing to do but look up at him helplessly as he said, “We are real paranimas. Unless you found some other part of our Mark that differentiates us.”

God, he said it so plainly, like it was as natural as talking about breathing, about waking up in the morning. That made it feel all the more heavy, like it was a fact of the universe no one could argue with.

“You know what I mean,” I choked out, trying to restrain the urge to duck under his shoulder and run away.

Ford leaned an inch closer and I fell back into Sky’s neck. I was starting to feel a little dizzy. “I’m afraid I don’t.”