Page 50 of Highland Flame

After dressing, she paced the floor, looking over at little Avianca’s face that was lit up by the candlelight. This was Cam’s daughter. Yvaine had started to care for the lass, even though she’d just met her. Avianca deserved a good home with parents who loved her and wanted her. Sadly, she wasn’t sure that home should be with Cam.

Yvaine’s hand went to her belly, her thoughts filled with the baby that was growing in her womb. Part of her wanted this baby more than anything. She longed to be a mother and to have a child to love as her very own. Still, another part of her knew that every time she looked at the child’s face it would only remind her of her abusive husband who forced himself on her to conceive the baby in the first place.

Would she be haunted by the thoughts of the beatings she’d endured from him each time she looked at the child they’d conceived together? Even if she could push past this, what would happen when she held her baby or looked at its face? Would she be haunted by the fact it was she who took the life of the child’s father? How was she ever going to explain what happened to the baby’s father without lying?

The truth was something she would never be able to admit to her son or daughter. Therefore, she’d be living a lie. A lie that would only grow bigger and darker with each passing year as her baby grew.

Doubt flitted through her mind that she could even raise this child now, once it was born. Mayhap the bairn in her womb should never know her at all. She supposed she could ask her brother to find a family to take in her baby as well Cam’s daughter. If so, would she end up regretting her decision some day?

It made her wonder if this was how Cam felt in regards to his daughter. Would Avianca only remind him of his tryst with a whore, not to mention his life as the bastard of a whore, having grown up in brothels? She thought he’d been acting irresponsible and selfish when he said he wanted Brother Gillies to find a home for the girl. But now . . . now she wasn’t so sure he was doing the wrong thing. In a way, she understood exactly what Cam was going through, because she was having the same feelings and doubts as him.

The church bells rang out in the dark, signaling the nighttime prayer session of the monks. Feeling as if she needed to go to church to pray for guidance, Yvaine decided to attend the service. Avianca was tired, and would surely sleep until morning. She always did. The girl was a good sleeper. Leaving the candle burning so the wee lass wouldn’t feel scared if she woke to find herself alone, Yvaine made sure to put the candle in a glass jar so nothing would catch on fire. Then she tucked in Avianca, giving her a kiss on the head. With a deep sigh, she turned and headed out the door to attend matins and lauds.

Yvaine was a few minutes late arriving at the church, and the prayer session had already started. Once she got settled, she realized Cam was there, too. He was sitting up front, which she thought was odd. The Highlander hated being here and always hid way in back whenever he actually attended the prayer sessions at all.

She was about to move and join him up front, when Cam stood up, and surprised her by walking up to the pulpit. What was he doing? Then he opened a Bible that Gillies handed him, and started to read psalms to the rest of the monks. She almost laughed aloud. As if that wasn’t shocking enough, after the psalms, Cam started to chant. He clearly had no idea of how to do it, and it sounded more like groans, as if he had a stomachache. Cam was surely in misery, either way. In her opinion, it was the furthest thing from leading the monks in something that was highly spiritual.

After the session ended, Yvaine met Cam as he all but hightailed it to the door, no doubt wanting to escape.

“Cam?” she called out, causing him to stop in his tracks and turn around.

“Yvaine?” His mouth fell open in surprise. “God’s teeth, please dinna tell me ye just heard all that.” His eyes darted to the pulpit and then back to her.

“Please refrain from using the Lord’s name in vain, especially in church,” scoffed Gillies, joining them with anger painting his face.

“Let us go outside to speak,” whispered Yvaine, taking Cam’s arm as they exited the church.

“I’m sorry ye had to witness that, but yer brathair forced me to do it.” Cam sighed deeply and shook his head as if disgusted by his own actions. “He said if I didna, he was goin’ to give a bad report about me to the lairds of my clan. I am so embarrassed, lassie.”

“Nay, dinna be,” she said, trying not to laugh by what had just happened. “I thought it was very . . . interestin’.” She couldn’t look at him with a straight face, so she focused elsewhere as they headed through the cloistered walkways. Thankfully, it was dark so he hopefully wouldn’t see her face. “Actually, I was surprised to see ye awake at this time.”

“Believe me, I wouldna have been if yer brathair hadna come to my door and my friends hadna dragged me out of bed.”

She couldn’t help but giggle, finding this all so amusing.

“Why are ye up at this ungodly hour?” he asked, curiously.

“I couldna sleep.”

“Och, I hope Avianca didna keep ye awake.”

“Nay. She is sleepin’ like a bairn. I just had some bad dreams, that’s all.”

“About yer late husband?” he asked, almost causing Yvaine to gasp. How did he know?

“Mayhap,” she said, holding on to his arm, but looking at the ground. “I – I dinna remember, exactly.”

“It’s all right to admit it, Yvaine. I understand completely.”

“Y-ye do?” She started wondering if, somehow, he possibly knew the truth. Then again, how could he? She hadn’t even told Gillies.

“It must have been horrible to watch yer husband die right there at yer feet.”

“Ye have no idea.” A shiver wracked her body, and Cam noticed.

“What’s wrong, Yvaine? Ye’re shakin’.”

“I’m fine.” She forced a smile. “I suppose it’s just a chill from the night air, that’s all.”