Page 135 of Nothing to Fear

“Do you love her?” Hannah asked.

More than he’d ever loved anyone. Willow gave him a haven, where being seen, being known, wasn’t terrifying but comforting. He’d die for her, kill for her, but most of all, he wanted to live for her and give her all of himself in the only dysfunctional way he knew how.

“Yeah, I love her.” He missed her so much, it was a physical ache. Pretty scary for a guy who thrived on solitude.

“Does she love you?”

He blew out a heavy breath. “If she did, she doesn’t anymore. Pretty sure she hates me now.”

A soothing chuckle rolled from Hannah. “You men are such idiots sometimes. There’s a reason people say there’s a fine line between love and hate. Want some advice?”

He was in no position to turn any down. “Sure.”

“Swallow your pride. Release your fear. Grow a supersized pair and go get her back. For once in your life, give real love a chance and go all the way.”

* * *

Vienna, Virginia

Friday, July 12, 9:00 p.m. EDT

Gideon parked his vehicle in front of Maddox’s condo. Apparently growing a supersized pair and learning how not to be a dumbass was easier in theory than practice. Gideon had run on autopilot, numb, waiting for Willow to turn up at work. He hadn’t eaten or slept, replenishing his system in the evenings with beer. At work, he’d lacked focus.

Nothing had steadied his mind. Not knowing those mercs were behind bars and being investigated. Not the fallout from Daedalus—evidence on fifty people, spies around the world who had worked for him was delivered to the media, including files on the attorney general and the vice chair of the Senate Intelligence Committee. Amanda had called it Daedalus’s insurance policy—to burn his assets in the event something happened to him—when Maddox visited her in a maximum-security lockup. Not the Hole.

Nothing had been leaked about the Gray Box. Maybe that megalomaniac hadn’t prearranged anything, and Gideon hadn’t given him the chance to make good on the promise.

The chief failed to get Doc into Fort Detrick. Gideon had pitched in to help search for the government contractor responsible for weaponizing biological agents and those who hijacked the shipment from behind a desk, to no avail. He should’ve been worried about how nasty Z-1984 might be or the potential death toll. Or why the government repeatedly denied the bioweapon shipment had ever existed—and to Sanborn of all people.

Willow had commandeered his thoughts, had his head spinning. He snuck glimpses of her workstation once an hour, as if hoping she’d materialize.

Asking Maddox how long Willow would be out hadn’t been an option. His best friend wouldn’t speak to him, only meeting his eyes long enough to shoot him a disgusted glare.

“Willow put in for a couple of weeks off to spend time with her father,” Sanborn had told him when he finally caved and asked. “She has a ton of leave saved and didn’t sound like herself. I think she needs it.”

Weeks off? Gideon had been so appalled with himself after the way he’d handled things with her that he couldn’t look in the mirror. God, he wanted a life—a real one with her, even though he didn’t deserve it. But he owed her the truth and the ability to choose what she wanted.

A life with him, gritty downside included, or one without him.

He sat in the new truck he’d traded the Jeep in for. He’d held onto the past for so long, unsure why, but it was time to let it go.

Telling Willow the truth about how he felt was the right thing to do. She’d always been honest with him, and she deserved no less in return. The idea that she might forgive what he’d done and still choose him elated and sickened him at the same time.

How could he not want her to have a perfect life? If he was a better man, he’d let her find happiness with someone else. Selfish bastard.

At least Gideon could be a smarter one, learn from his mistakes, and have a life worth living.

Cole’s black Kawasaki Ninja superbike was in front of the building.

Gideon contemplated waiting until after Cole and Maddox left, but he needed to face the music. Ten minutes passed. Twenty.

He wiped his sweaty palms on his pants, grabbed the wrapped jewelry box, and got out of the truck, leaving the cane he needed for the next week behind. Pulse racing like he was on a mission, he limped inside the building, grabbing the door as someone came out, then hobbled up the stairs and to Maddox’s front door.

He rang the bell and waited.

Cole opened the door. Shock blanketed his face. “Whoa.” He closed the door to a crack and whispered, “He-who-should-not-be-named should not be here.”

“I need to see her.” For some reason, Gideon whispered back.