Page 90 of Afterglow

I keep replaying everything from Saturday in my head. Overhearing him with Delia and Alex in the kitchen. Everything we said in the nursery. Him telling me he loves me—the exact words I’d wanted to hear but refused to accept.

My hand coasts over my baby bump and the protruding foot by my ribcage. I swear I’m even bigger than I was yesterday. How big will my stomach be when I see him again? Will he be able to notice the change? What will that day look like? Will he love me still?

Like he can read my mind from miles away, he texts me—the screen lighting up from where it had dimmed since the last time I looked at it.

Bryce

I’m not giving up on you, blondie. Don’t give up on me. I’m sorry. I love you.

I want to believe him. I want to trust.

But I need reassurance, and as much as I hate it, I need it to come from someone else.

I tap the blue arrow in the corner and find Rebecca’s name, reading the single message she wrote me yesterday.

Rebecca

I’m here if you need to talk.

Well, I do.

Me

Can you meet me for lunch?

The bubbles pop up immediately and I bite my lip as I wait for her to reply.

Rebecca

I’m on shift, but you could meet me at the hospital in an hour. I promise the food isn’t as bad as you might think :)

Me

Okay. See you in an hour.

I’m surprised to find that the hospital cafeteria looks more like an airy café with white walls, huge windows and skylights, and more trees and plants than I would think appropriate for the inside of any building that isn’t a greenhouse. Outside the windows is a picturesque view of the mountains, their tops disappearing in a misty white cloud that will surely leave behind a fresh line of snow to cap them off.

Rebecca is sitting at a corner table that’s comfortably squished between two Ficus trees, giving it the air of privacy in this world of people moving about with trays.

“I grabbed you a grilled cheese,” she says when I sit down. “It’s not as good as Whiskey Ditch, but they’re not bad and I knew it would be a safe choice. I only have about thirty minutes.”

She scans my face, and I’m sure she’s taking in the dark circles and my puffy eyelids that give away how much I’ve cried. She doesn’t bother asking how I am; she can tell I’m not good.

“I’m sorry you found out the way you did. We never wanted that,” she says. “I can understand that you feel betrayed… by all of us.”

I shake my head. “I don’t blame you.”

“Just Bryce?” she asks.

I reach for my sandwich in lieu of answering and take a big bite. I haven’t had much of an appetite since the baby shower, only forcing myself to eat because I know the baby needs it.

“I won’t sit here and defend his choice not to tell you. But I know him better than a lot of people, and he’s a good man.” I look up and see the softness in her expression, the love she feels for the man who is her brother in almost every way. There’s grief there too, for the sister and nephew she lost. “Bryce has lost a lot in his life. He was abandoned by his biological parents, unwanted by either of their families. He was in and out of so many foster homes because no one wanted a teenage boy from a junkie family. He lost Sarah and he lost Sam. Losing people has become an expectation, and he didn’t want to lose you too. He let his fear hold him back from being honest with you and…” She pauses and looks down at her plate.

I knew enough of his history that getting the details doesn’t surprise me. It’s her next words that do.

“Right or wrong, you brought those fears to life when you walked away on Saturday.”

I know she’s not trying to make me feel guilty, she’s just being honest… and she’s not telling me anything I don’t already know. But I feel the fiery burn of guilt just the same.