Page 31 of Finding Parker

“I grew up with my grandmother as my best friend. Everything I needed was obtained through her. Every ounce of praise, pat of reassurance, and feeling of satisfaction I received was a result of my exposure to her. I didn’t receive nor did I ever attempt to receive it through others. I completed high school, and went on to attend and graduate from college. My completed education was my goal. I obtained it. My next goal was employment. I achieved that one as well. Now, although employed, I don’t necessarily have a goal, short or long term. Oddly enough, I don’t know that I want one. Now, right now, it’s as if something changed in me. I’m happy just being. Simply existing satisfies me as long as you’re part of the existing,” as the words escaped my mouth, I felt as if someone else was speaking through me.

I looked up and opened my arms as if embracing the entire outdoor seating area. The thoughts and feelings I possessed were new to me, and I had not yet spoken with anyone regarding how I felt. Simply stating my thoughts and what I was feeling caused me to come to believe my life may be changing before my very eyes.

“Wow. Huh. Interesting,” she paused and raised the plastic spoon to her lips and bit against it.

“Well, you’ve always lived a structured life and now you feel like you can let loose and become whoever it is that you’re supposed to become. I think we’re all who we are at birth, and it’s just a matter of time before we emerge our true selves. Sometimes it takes longer for it to happen. Maybe, for some of us, it takes an event or some happening to open our eyes to who we truly are. Oh shit. Oh shit,” her voice elevated as she pressed her hands against her thighs.

“The fuckin’ salami. It was the when you choked on the salami sandwich,” she shouted and stood from the bench.

“What?” I stood up as she rose from her seat.

“Last month, when you choked on the sandwich and I saved you,” she laughed, “it was some form of spiritual awakening.”

A spiritual awakening, as Kenton had described. He had described the event in the restaurant with Downes and the mother of the fatherless child as a spiritual awakening. By his own admission, it changed him from being a self-centered asshole into who he is today. Victoria could be right – perhaps it was the salami incident and my almost dying from choking on the sandwich. Maybe it was enough of a scare that it caused me to take a step back and look at my life’s accomplishments as nothing more than life itself. Quite possibly I have lived my life void of any resemblance of true emotion. Or, the presence of Victoria in my life caused me to realize I needed someone more than I had previously thought.

Maybe the path of our life is predestined at birth, as Victoria believes, and I’m simply finding myself. I suppose I could be determining who and what it is that I am to finally become. In a sense, I’m finding myself.

“Maybe you’re right. Maybe it was the salami, I don’t know,” I hesitated, looked down at my shoes, and attempted to mentally formulate the remainder of my response.

I truly felt confused.

“It was,” she said solemnly.

I considered what I wished to say, and shook my head to clear my thoughts. After a brief moment, I attempted once again to speak my mind.

“I’m not sure identifying what got me to this point is even important. Recognizing the changes in me, embracing them, and allowing – or I guess accepting them is what’s important. Earlier I kind of fumbled around with what I really was trying to say. Ultimately, what I wanted to say was that I love spending time with you. Sharing things with you makes me smile. So thank you. And let’s not stop this anytime soon,” as I looked up and into her eyes she smiled.

“I think we’re both seeing changes in ourselves. I know I have. I’ve always hated the thought of spending time with a man. Men suck. They’re all after one thing and one thing only. After they get it, they move on to trying it with someone else. I haven’t got time for their bullshit. And then along came you. Dressed in your little dress shoes, with your perfectly manicured nails – yeah, I noticed,” she paused and pointed toward my hands.

“And your blazer over your designer tee shirt. You interested me Parker,” she turned and tossed her empty yogurt container in the trash.

“But there’s so much more to you, Parker Bale, so much more. The more I get to know you, the more I grow to love who you are. So far, there’s really nothing wrong with you that I can see. You’re polite, kind, and you always say the right things. Sometimes you’re rather wordy with your explanations, but I think I have your grandmother to thank for that, and it’s part of what makes you you. And, what else did you say?” she slowly raised one eyebrow and stared into my eyes.

“Let’s not stop this anytime soon? Yeah, right. You’re never going to get rid of me. Never. Because this?” she waved her hand in a circle as she pointed down toward the sidewalk.

“This is only the beginning,” she smiled.

VICTORIA. I had come to cherish my time with Parker more than I ever dreamed possible. I now not only yearned to spend time with him, I felt it was necessary to survive. I didn’t like feeling as if I needed someone – in fact, it left me rather uncomfortable. I don’t think I’ll soon share my feelings with Parker, because my emotions and desires may be advancing far more rapidly than his.

For now, I’ll sit and hope this never changes.

His absence causes me to question his existence as well as his devotion or interest. I often feel I should send him a simple text message just to have him respond – anything to prove he is still somewhat interested in me. Everything he does indicates his interest in me is consistent, but for some reason I want proof. I have a difficult time believing he’ll maintain this level of enthusiasm considering my position on premarital sex. He claims to possess the same moral standard I do regarding sex, but I find it difficult to actually believe him. For now, I don’t want to believe him, I must believe him. It allows me to hold onto this feeling that fills me every night as I lay in bed. I have fallen in love with Parker Bale.

And I am scared to death.

“It’s green, you dumb bitch, go already!” I screamed out the window of the car.

Either my screaming or the fact she finally emerged from the fog she was living in caused her to look up, realize the light was green, and accelerate. I pressed the clutch pedal, shifted my car into first, and mashed the gas pedal to the floor. As I carefully released the clutch, the car began to lurch forward.

And the light turned red.

Fuck.

I pressed the clutch and allowed the car to roll back into place behind the intersection. I’m going to be late. I squeezed the steering wheel in my hand and turned my wrist. A quick glance at my watch revealed ten minutes time before I was to meet Parker for lunch. I only had to go two more blocks, but for some reason I was having a difficult time.

It was one of those days.

As the cross street’s light turned yellow, I depressed the clutch and shifted into first gear. After a heavy foot on the accelerator, I was ready for this light to turn. I sat anxiously in wait until…