Page 30 of Finding Parker

But he didn’t.

His eyes were brown, but not brown like mine. My eyes are primarily brown, but have little flakes of green in them. Parker’s eyes were brown as if someone had painted them with brown paint. I hated to stare at them, but something about them was the same as Parker himself – different.

“Personally, I enjoy the sound. You know, when there’s not a tremendous amount of people here. When it’s quiet. The sound of the waves against the beach, it’s almost hypnotic,” he lightly squeezed my hand as he spoke.

I turned toward him and smiled without speaking. Walking along the beach on a summer night while holding the hand of a member of the opposite sex wasn’t on my list of to-do’s when the summer started, but now it was a reality. I must admit I could get used to this without much effort.

On the east coast, facing the horizon and staring out into the ocean, the sun rises from the ocean every morning. On the west coast it sets into the water at night. I’ve never decided which would be best to witness, but for now at least I was stuck with the sunsets.

Parker and I had walked along the beach for a mile or so, turned around, and were walking back toward where we began. Together, we were able to witness the sunset along the beach, and now it was slowly getting dark.

“I could get lost in watching your face express your moods. Your face changes as you walk, think, and probably smell the things you enjoy,” Parker said softly.

I tilted my head and considered making a smart-assed comment, but chose to smile instead. Pushing him away would be natural for me, but I wanted to enjoy this as long as I could. As I stood and smiled, I realized we had stopped walking. I glanced to my left and noticed we had walked back to where we started – our cars parked in the parking area above the edge of the beach was a reminder that this night was over.

It was time for me to go back to the reality of my house filled with the noise of a blaring television and my narcotics induced semi-comatose mother.

“I like looking at your face, too,” I breathed, “you’re pretty.”

“Pretty?” he asked.

I turned and looked behind me, hoping to see the impressions we had left in the sand – proof of our existence along the beach – confirmation this night had actually happened just as I believed it did. The beach was void of our footprints. The waves had washed them all away, leaving nothing but smooth sand where we had walked. The only hint we had been here would be the memory I would carry with me and the impression we were leaving now.

“Yes, pretty,” I responded as I twisted my feet into the wet sand.

“Thank you,” he said as he smiled and tugged my hand lightly; reminding me our time together was in fact coming to an end. I wanted to resist, allowing the night to go on forever. As we walked up the beach I pressed my feet into the sand firmly, leaving an impression deep enough to last a lifetime.

And I did not look back.

PARKER. I’ve never had expectation of doing anything with my life but obtaining the current goal I have placed in front of me. Eventually, I always set another objective and proceed with a new venture. I have consistently set realistic targets, achieved them, and moved on to my newest aspirations. My life invariably has advanced one goal at a time. Striving to obtain them gives me reason to live life.

I have often wondered what – if any – satisfaction is obtained by a person who has few or no goals in life, and proceeds through the course of a day by purely existing. Allowing life to merely happen and accepting whatever may land in your lap has never made a tremendous amount of sense to me.

My life so far has been a series of small pieces which will eventually come together to make larger pieces. I have always assumed the large pieces, over time, would assemble to make a whole. A completed puzzle. The puzzle of life solved one small piece at a time.

Victoria and I had been seeing each other for short periods of time as they became available to her for almost a month. I cherished the time we spent together, and had come to look forward to it more than I would have ever guessed. It was as if I needed to see her to feel accomplished. In her absence, my only concern was when would be our next available opportunity to meet. All of our time together had been a result of us meeting, and not necessarily a date. The fact that we had not been on an actual date yet allowed me to justify not having introduced her to Kenton.

It was as if I felt a need to shelter her from him and him from her. In my mind, to allow her to meet Kenton would be confirmation she was in fact the product of some type of experiment, some test, some game I had played, and she the poor pawn. In my eyes, at least right now, she was not a part of my employment or the contract in any way, shape or form.

Sitting outside on two benches opposite each other, we had been eating frozen yogurt and talking. Today, as time passed, I became more and more satisfied simply sitting, feeling the sun’s warmth against my body, and witnessing Victoria do – without effort – what she did best.

Satisfy me.

“For the first time in my life, I am not concerned with an achievement,” I scooped the small plastic spoon around the edge of the container, hoping for one more taste of the Vanilla frozen yogurt.

“Explain,” Victoria muttered as she spooned another huge wad of yogurt into her mouth.

“Well, I have lived my life by setting and achieving one little goal at a time, and that goal was my only focus until it was completed. Unless I could check it off the list, I had nothing else I focused on. I’ve always had a target in front of me, and it’s my only focus. Right now, I don’t necessarily have one, and I don’t care,” I shrugged.

I tipped the cardboard container to my mouth and tapped my fingers against the bottom. It was without a doubt empty. Frustrated, I placed it on the bench beside me and inspected my fingers for residue.

“We all set goals. It’s natural. Want some of mine?” she asked as she extended her hand toward my face, the small plastic spoon overloaded with coconut covered yogurt.

I grinned and opened my mouth. Victoria was a different type of person than I had ever been exposed to. Not that I necessarily led a sheltered life, but I had never been much of a social butterfly either. As she spooned the yogurt into my mouth, she giggled. Seeing her smile was far more satisfying to me than I would have ever imagined. It was if I had some vested interest in her happiness. Seeing her smile and sharing something as simple as frozen yogurt with her actually provided me with a form of satisfaction unlike any other.

“It’s just that,” I paused and contemplated my thoughts as I swallowed the yogurt.

“Well, I don’t know that I can even come close to describing it,” I hesitated and looked down at her shoes.