Page 110 of Lovely Darkness

McKay laughs.

“What?”

“You and your church. You know it’s just a way to control the masses, right? I know your father told you that, because he told me that.”

“It’s not about control. And anyway, this isn’t about religion. It’s about living.”

McKay narrows his eyes at me. “You don’t think we’ve lived enough? Adam, we’ve lived a hundred fuckin’ lifetimes in the last fourteen years alone.”

“Not our lives. We lived Indie’s life.”

Now he’s catching on because his already narrowed eyes take on a menacing quality. “What are you saying?”

“I already said it. I regret buying her and bringing her home.”

“Too late. It’s done.”

“But it’s not too late to start over.”

“You want to kill her?”

“Not exactly.” I kinda expect McKay to punch me here, but he doesn’t. He just stays silent, waiting for me to explain exactly what I mean. “We just stop picking her up when she falls, McKay. That’s all I’m saying. We stop enabling her.”

This was the best I could come up with. I kinda do want to kill Indie, but I know, in my heart, I won’t be able to go through with it. And if I’m gonna take that girl out, it has to be done by one of us. I will not put a hit on her head. She’s certainly no angel, but she deserves better than that. And McKay sure as fuck isn’t gonna do it. So. This is the best I can do. Walk away from her. Let her make her own decisions. Don’t interfere.

And don’t protect her.

“This is about Maggie, isn’t it?”

I huff. “No. To be honest, I wasn’t even thinking about Maggie right now. But since you brought her up, you have to admit, there is no future in which Indie acts like the mother that Maggie needs. She can’t even take care of herself, let alone a child. And Nathan. Don’t get me started on Nathan. He’s Team Indie. He tried to get away and he got pulled back in. He’s here for good now, McKay. And he’s not here for Maggie. They’re just… not meant to be parents.”

McKay raises one eyebrow. “But you are?”

I exhale in frustration. Because no. As much I like to think of myself as Maggie’s father, I’m never gonna be the kind of man who wins that Father of the Year award. I can’t quite grasp what fathers do.

This is not a joke, either. This is a serious puzzle for me. If I’m not supposed to tell her secrets, ask her for advice, or teach her to protect herself in all possible ways—what the actual fuck do fathers do?

Breakfast and bedtime stories?

Check homework?

Bandage booboos?

Do we get a hobby or something? We already fish.

All these things, these are what McKay does. Not me. I mean what is the fuckin’ point of having a kid if you’re not allowed to tell her secrets, ask her for advice, and teach her to protect herself?

I don’t get it.

But I’m not ready to admit this to McKay. “I get it. I’m no parenting expert. And I’m not doing that bad of a job. She’s nothing like Indie and at least I didn’t buy her.”

McKay holds up a hand. “So let me get this straight. You regret buying a little Company girl and turning her into a killer. But somehow you think that because you didn’t… buy Maggie, she’s… different? It’s the exact same thing, Adam.”

“It’s not even close.”

“She pulled the trigger, Adam!” McKay is actually laughing at me. “She shot Donovan in the back of the head. Where did she learn to shoot?”

“I never taught her how to shoot, McKay. She’s too small for the kickback.”