Page 95 of Tony

“OK. Tell me the fucked-up part.”

“She cried every time we had sex.”

Soshee frowns. “What do you mean she cried? While you guys were doing it?”

“No. Afterward. Every time, after we were done, she cried. And I…” I sigh.

“Keep going.”

“I liked it.”

“You like her tears? Or you liked her unhappiness?”

I think about this for a moment. Because I hadn’t realized there was a difference. “Tears, I guess. I don’t want her to be unhappy. I mean, wishing unhappiness on her feels like… I don’t know. An investment. Trust me. I’m not that invested.”

“OK,” Soshee says. “You have a weird fetish.”

“No!”

“Come on, Tony. You can admit it. I’m not going to judge you.”

“It’s not a fetish. I never craved the tears of other girls. It was just something she did and I…”

“Got off on it?”

I sigh.

“Forget the tears. I don’t think they mean anything.”

“Explain.”

She shrugs. “I don’t think they matter. I think you’re focused on them because it was weird. You liked it and you enjoyed it. But then when she was gone, you didn’t pursue it. So it was a temporary thing and you left it behind you.”

“Yeah, until she showed back up and that was all I thought about. I started to become obsessed with those fucking tears. I literally came here to fuck her and make her cry so I could stop thinking about her forever.”

“OK. I think we’re getting somewhere.”

“We are?”

“Yeah, I mean, I have some experience with being in Belinda’s shoes. I was totally invested in Vann and, as we all know, he didn’t feel the same way.”

“I don’t think it’s the same. Have you ever punched Vann in the mouth because you were so angry at him?”

“No,” she says through a chuckle. “No. I like him. It’s not hate. But it’s not love either. I know that because if it were love I wouldn’t be so infatuated with you right now.”

I grin. I can’t help it. “You’re infatuated with me?”

“Totally. Ever since I sat down at your table in the restaurant and forced you to have lunch with me, Vann started to fade away.”

“We stalked him that night. You fucked the next day.”

“I know.” She says this simply and shrugs it off. Like it’s no big deal.

And, honestly, it feels very much like no big deal to me too. I don’t even care that she did that. Because I get it. I know why she did it. It was a goodbye fuck. It doesn’t even matter that she didn’t understand it in the moment. We understand it now and that’s all that counts.

“But back to Belinda,” Soshee says. “I think you’re looking for closure.”

“To what? What we had was so… just… gross. It was gross. It was hate, and anger, and rage. Nothing about it was good. Trust me, I didn’t think about her for years after she left Key West. I didn’t spare one fucking moment of thought for her.”