Page 125 of Joey

“Look,” I say, turning to him, “if you don’t want to talk about what happened to you back there, fine. Shut up and brood like a jerk. But something happened to me too, you know. They just told me in no uncertain terms that my life was a lie. And OK. Fine. I get it. It was a lie. I knew it was a lie. But there were real parts too. Miklos was the only father I had. And maybe it’s true. Maybe he did buy me. Maybe that daughter of his never existed. Maybe he wanted me for sex.”

“Brooke,” Wald says. “You don’t have to do this.”

“Don’t have to do what? Face reality?” I laugh. “Believe me. I’ve been there, done that. That’s all I’ve ever done is… pretend!”

“If you loved him, and he loved you, then why does it matter how that love happened?” Huck asks.

“I’m not saying it does. I’m just saying… my world, OK? My fucking life just blew up in my face. I didn’t have much. And I’m not talking about money, or cars, or homes, or food, or clothes, or jewelry, or anything like that. I’m talking about love. I never had much love. But I had a little. I had just enough,” I say.

I have to pause and swallow hard. There is a tight, thick lump in my throat that somehow always appears when you’re about to cry and you’re holding it in.

It’s like a lump of sadness made out of heartbreak.

Tears well up in my eyes. I’m not a crier. I’m really not. But fuck it. I let them fall.

And then I take a deep breath and whisper, “I had just enough to get through it. That’s all I want to say. Just enough. And then… and then he died on me. And the ‘just enough’ went down to zero.”

Joey reaches for me. Pulls on my arm until I give in and lean against him.

“And then you guys were there. Like a fucking genie popped up and said, ‘You get three wishes, Brooke. What do you want?’ And I could not have wished for anything better. You three are my wishes.”

Joey leans down and kisses my head. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I didn’t realize you had all this bottled up inside you.”

“It’s not even that,” I say, wiping the tears off my cheeks. “It’s just… I just… why?” I squirm in Joey’s embrace so I can look him in the face. “Why did they have to come back and ruin it for me? Why couldn’t they just let me be?”

CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE - JOEY

I would like nothing more than to shut up and never have to talk again. Never have to think about this day again. Maybe even rewind the last six fucking years and take back Charlotte and everything that came after.

Never go to that party. Never meet her. Never fuck her in the bathroom. Never get her pregnant. Never put myself out there and make a grand gesture.

Never walk away from Maisy.

But how would that be any different? How would that actually change things?

It wouldn’t.

I’d have to go all the way back to the day I was born and just… never happen.

But then I’d have to go back further, even. Wouldn’t I? To the night my mother got pregnant.

That’s the moment my fate was sealed. That instant my life sparked into being. That’s when this day was written.

Except… I get the feeling that even if I was granted this wish of nonexistence it wouldn’t include changing the actions of others.

And this is when it hits me.

I have no control over any of this. My fate was sealed the moment my soul was born.

I am Joey Boston and the only way to stop being him is to die.

But there is another choice here. One I’ve been fighting for as long as I can remember.

That other choice is… be him to the fullest.

Be the Joey Boston everyone thinks I am.

Be the bad guy. Be the evil one. Be the filthy, dirty, lying, cheating thug all those people back in that ballroom already expect me to be.