Page 48 of Play Dirty

“Hmmm,” Ix says.

I sigh. But I feel a lot better telling this shit to Ix. Feels good, actually. To talk to him like a friend again and not have all the animosity between us.

“What happened to them?” Ixion asks.

“I dunno,” I say. “But they make me feel responsible.”

“That’s bullshit. You walked away eight years ago. What they did with all that time between then and now is all on them. I mean, look, I had a pretty rough several years too. But it wasn’t you who did that to me.”

It’s the first time he’s ever hinted that he might be able to forgive me. So I stay quiet and let him talk.

“I mean… yeah. I did a lot of stupid shit and I was sad, but my sadness had nothing to do with you. And even though it didn’t feel like I moved on, I did move on, Jordan. Maybe what I was doing wasn’t like… a proper future or anything. But it was honest. Ya know?”

“I get it,” I say. “And I’m so fucking sorry, man. I really—”

“You had nothing to do with the death of my family,” he says, interrupting me.

Even though I’ve been waiting years for this confession from him, hearing it now… it fucking hurts.

“You didn’t kill them. It was a stupid car accident. And if it’s anyone’s fault, it was that person who hit them.”

“But they died thinking you were some really fucked-up creep and that part was all my fault. You took the fucking blame for me, Ixion. And I never deserved your protection like that. I never earned it.”

He does a one-shoulder shrug. “It’s in the past, man. Where it belongs. So just leave it there. I’m fine. I’m actually pretty fucking happy these days. And if you hadn’t flown up to Wyoming and pulled my ass out of jail that day and told me to get my shit together because I was needed, I’d still be a worthless piece of shit. That job you gave me watching Evangeline was the very best-case scenario as far as the whole where-is-Ixion’s-life-going scenario is concerned.”

He reaches across the table, grabs my hair and pulls me close to him.

I am too startled—too afraid—to breathe.

He bumps his forehead to mine, then retreats. “It could’ve gone a million ways, ya know?”

What does that mean? I wonder. Like he’d have been into a threesome with me and Augustine if they didn’t start that professional relationship together with the production company? Or… if Alexander wasn’t in the picture? If it was just the three of us, and not the four of us? Or—

“Don’t waste your time, Jordan,” Ix says. “It doesn’t matter what it could’ve been. This is just what it is now. And it’s good, ya know? It’s just fine.”

I reach over and grip his shoulder. “I will never forget what you did for me, Ixion.”

“I’m calling it even.” And then he smiles, stands up, and says, “Don’t let them drag you into the past, Jordan. If you want to play their little game then reinvent it. Play on your own terms. Don’t let them ruin what you’ve got going. Because you built something good here, brother. I’m proud of you.”

And with that, the conversation is over.

Because he gets up and walks out.

Play the game if I want. But play it on my own terms.

In other words, be the goddamned game master.

My next stop is Lucinda. She’s not your typical psychiatrist at all. For one thing, she’s got this little side business going called What Are You Afraid Of? She fixes people’s fears and most of her games —no, they’re not games, I decide—most of her patients are cured with sex therapy. Not all of them, but Lucinda maintains that almost all our hang-ups go back to some kind of sexual dysfunction.

I was sort of a silent partner in that little business with her. Just a front man. She had these business cards printed up. They were the size and thickness of a drink coaster you’d find in Oaklee Ryan’s Bronco Brews bar, with fancy engraved lettering, and all they said on the front was What Are You Afraid Of? On the back she had her contact info and one small sentence. We will conquer your fear together.

I dropped the cards off to local businesses and paid them a flat fee to keep a stack next to their cash registers.

That’s how Evangeline found her. I don’t really know the whole Total Exposure story, because I didn’t really start that game. I just set it up for Lucinda. She asked me to set up the “game” after Evangeline made contact asking for help getting over her completely debilitating fear of being watched by people. I guess that stemmed from the fact that she was a violin child prodigy and her parents dragged her all over the world as a kid making her perform like a circus dog.

Anyway, Lucinda is a sexual fetish expert in my opinion. She’s the one who’ll understand what this fight shit is all about.

I call ahead, of course. Sometimes she sees patients at the hospital and she’s real busy, but she says she can fit me in, so I go over to her offices and take a seat in her small, private outer lobby to wait for her closed door to open.