Page 108 of Deck the Hauls

A lump formed in my throat. Even the trees that Dana and I had found damaged after the snowstorm, that Olivia had used for wreaths, hadn’t been as crooked and patchy as this tree. It had none of the dense, conical shape that I knew—after spending weeks with Dana—made the perfect tree. But it still the place of honor in our living room, covered in tinsel, red and green lights and ornaments. Dana had seen it, when she’d stayed that weekend before I sent her away, and instead of the horrified expression I’d expected to see flash across her face, she’d smiled. A tear pricked my eye, and I furiously blinked it away.

Nonno and Nonna sat on the couch next to the tree, holding hands. My aunt and uncle occupied the couch facing them, while Mom and Dad were in their matching armchairs. On the rug, Lisa and Tom sat cross-legged with their three kids. Frank Sinatra crooned Christmas songs over the ancient record player. Lucia and I joined Lisa and her family on the rug, and six year old Zoe came over and sat in my lap.

As the kids took turns handing out presents, I tried to channel as much Christmas cheer as possible. I laughed as Lisa pulled out a pair of novelty socks with the words If you can read this, ask your Dad on the soles, and whooped as Zoe opened the castle Lego set she’d been desperate for, but it was all for show.

God, it was Christmas and I was miserable. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

My gaze fell on back onto Nonno and Nonna, holding hands.

What would it be like if Dana was here? I could take her hand, put my arm around her… Nonno and Nonna might be shocked, but they loved me so much that surely they’d get over it. And they would love Dana once they got to know her.

And what would it be like sharing not just Christmas with Dana, but life?

A life with Dana, out in the open, wandering amongst the firs, hanging out in Sapphire Springs with her friends, spending time with my family in Dyker Heights, exploring Brooklyn, Manhattan and the Hudson Valley together. My body flooded with warmth as the images flitted through my head.

Zoe handed me a present. I ripped it open to find two premium movie tickets to Nitehawk Cinema and a massage voucher from my parents.

“Thank you!” I got up and gave them a hug.

If Dana and I were together, living openly, we could go to the movies together, too.

My chest tightened. But by living my best life with Dana, I’d be opening myself up to discrimination. It might jeopardize my chances of getting complex, interesting roles that would challenge me, make an audience feel something, provide a different perspective on the world. Roles I’d been working toward all my adult life. But was it most important to inhabit hundreds of pretend lives or live my life authentically?

Lucia had broken up with Ryan partially so she could be her authentic self. I’d ended things with Dana for the opposite reason.

Dana and I had known each other for less than two months. We might discover we weren’t compatible at all. But I couldn’t shake the conviction, deep down, that we would work. Perfectly. That if I chose Dana, we’d have kids and grow old together, happy and healthy.

As Dad opened a box of hot sauces I’d picked out for him that day at the Christmas market with Dana, memories of strolling side by side with Dana, sipping steaming cups of hot chocolate and nibbling on George’s gingerbread cookies, as we browsed for gifts came rushing back. My stomach swirled with nausea.

Being with Dana didn’t mean giving up on my acting dreams altogether; it just made them less likely they’d occur. Hopefully, I’d still manage to get some roles—even if I was pigeonholed playing queer characters in indie films. The last few weeks had reminded me just how much I loved acting. Even if I couldn’t get a paid role, perhaps I could explore community theater or teach an acting class or something.

I exhaled slowly. That wasn’t my dream. But perhaps it would be enough.

The alternative, not being able to be my authentic self, not giving Dana and me a real chance at working out, working with homophobic people felt even more unappealing. Even if I got the most incredible roles, would I really be happy without Dana in my life?

“Should we finish the rum balls?” Lucia asked, breaking me out of my thoughts.

I startled. Present time was over.

“Yep, let’s do it.” I rose to my feet.

Back in the kitchen, we returned to rolling.

“Are you okay?” Lucia looked up, her eyes soft. “You seemed a bit distracted. Still thinking about Dana?”

I nodded. “I can’t stop thinking about her being alone and wondering if I’ve made a terrible mistake. But…” I rolled the rum ball in coconut. “We only met in November. Is it wild that I am actually considering potentially blowing up my career for someone I’ve only known for two months?”

“Not necessarily. Nonna and Nonno got engaged after six weeks and look at them.”

I smiled. That was true. Over fifty years later, and they were still going strong. “Nonna and Nonno didn’t believe in sex before marriage, so they had quite an incentive to get married quickly.”

I scraped the last of the mixture from the bowl and rolled it into a ball. It was too big, but it would do.

Lucia laughed. “Well, it still worked out for them. And it’s not just about Dana, Em. This is about you being true to yourself.”

But it was all about Dana.

There was a gaping hole now, one that couldn’t be filled with any amount of Christmas festivities.