Page 188 of On the Breakaway

“I trusted you with the truth about what happened. This mattered to me. I just don’t know. Okay?”

The realization seems to hit him all at once. I watch all fight and hope disappear from his face. For the first time, Grayson looks tired of fighting for me.

“So, this is it?” The words are a breath off his lips.

The very idea of never holding him again feels unbearable. But leaning on him now, when he suddenly seems less solid than he did two hours ago, feels a hell of a lot riskier than anything I was prepared for.

My throat tightens.

“No. Grayson, that’s not what I said.” The words come out too fast, tripping over each other. “That’s not…”

But I watch them hit a wall he’s already started building between us.

“I just need a fucking minute.” My pulse jumps. “I just need space to think. To breathe. To process.” I motion helplessly toward my friends, who are standing behind me like witnesses to a train wreck. “You weren’t supposed to do that. They weren’t supposed to hear this. I was supposed to have time to figure out what I want.”

As soon as the words leave my mouth, I hate them.

Because what I want isn’t the problem.

I know what I want.

I want Grayson.

I want his stupid smile and the way he always reaches for my hand without thinking. I want the future he keeps talking about that I never believed in. I want the version of myself that exists when I’m with him.

The problem is that for the first time since starting this, we’re on shaky ground, and there’s no time to wait for it to stabilize.

Grayson is staring at the floor when all I want is for him to look at me.

Tell me everything is okay.

Tell me this doesn’t change anything.

And then make me believe it.

I want this to be better.

God, I want this to be better.

An assistant coach pokes their head out of the locker room, calling Grayson’s name. He doesn’t look, but his body shifts toward it.

It feels like the beginning of him leaving, and suddenly, I can’t breathe.

“I thought I could wait. That I could do this, but I can’t take this.”

The fight drains out of him so completely that it scares me more than the anger did.

“Do you even know how much more time you need? Can you give me anything?”

Something cold slides into my stomach.

“Grayson.”

“I might’ve fucked over my entire team tonight.” His eyes finally lift to mine, and it just makes everything worse. “For someone who’s still not ready to choose me.”

The words cut into me because I can see the certainty behind them. He’s already decided what this means.

“Pretty fucking pathetic.”