Page 96 of We Drank the Dawn

Cooper’s raspy laugh filled the quiet again, the tension spinning away. “It definitely is.”

I leaned into the topic. “Why do you like it?”

He drew a breath through his teeth. “It started when I was a kid. At my dad’s house, there was this big magnolia tree right outside the spare bedroom where I would sleep when I stayed the night. And it must’ve been home to a hundred birds. They’d come and go and there were nests with chicks every year. I sat at the window and watched them for hours. I used to bring my sandwich crusts to the windowsill for them. They felt like my friends.”

More questions for him were on the tip of my tongue, but he made a quick pivot. “How did you meet Sarah?”

A smile I couldn’t stop stretched across my face. “I caught her cheating off my math test.”

“No kidding.”

“Seriously. She had her hat pulled down over her forehead and was peeking out of the corner of her eye at my quiz. I covered the pages, but then she started to cry, so I uncovered it and let her cheat.”

“That’s a funny way to meet.”

“Yeah, she was adorable.” I shook my head, doing all I could to conjure up every detail of that scene. “After class was over, I offered to help her study for the next one. And we became really good friends through that. So what about you? Do you have someone?”

“A woman?” He scoffed as if my question was ludicrous. “No way.”

“Does that mean you prefer men?”

Cooper laughed long and loud, and I was glad my genuine question didn’t offend him. Finally, he managed, “Nah, man. I’m a little too into women.”

“How so?”

A new cloud of smoke descended upon us and I waved it away as he said, “I’ve gotten involved a couple of times and it’s never ended well. I would rather just fly solo. It’s easier that way.”

Fly solo.

The words hit me like a wall of ice as I imagined waking up to an empty bed for the rest of my life. “Easier? I don’t know about that.”

“Maybe not for you. For me though, yeah.” He took a deep breath as if the topic pained him. “A wife, family, kids”—he said the last word with a note of disdain—“that’s not the life for me. But as soon as you get involved with a girl, that’s what she’s thinking. She wants to settle down, make a home, make promises, make babies. And I’m not doing that shit.”

“Why not?”

He fell silent for so long I wondered if I’d asked the question out loud or just thought I had. But then, he finally said, “No kid deserves a dad like me.”

A dad like me.

Once again, Cooper’s words chilled me to the bone. I could relate much more than I wanted to. The idea of a child having me as a father was incomprehensible. The idea of Sarah having to parent with someone who couldn’t supervise an infant was detestable. It was one of the reasons I was happy she left. Maybe she could find someone better suited to the role.

I said, “Maybe you’d love fatherhood.”

“I don’t trust myself to do better than my dad. It doesn’t seem right to me to start a family and cross your fingers that you figure it out.” His lighter flicked again as he went straight into his second cigarette, and his words mumbled as if he was squeezing it between his lips. “A baby is the real deal.”

“Do you talk to your dad?”

“I don’t.” He gave a soft, breathy laugh. “He’s not much of a father though. He’s…” Cooper left the sentence trail off before finishing. “He’s never liked me very much.”

“I’m sorry.”

“He was drunk all the time, addicted to drugs, and cycled through women. If I stepped out of line around him, he would beat the hell out of me or lock me in my bedroom for days on end. If I was lucky, he’d slip food under the door.” Cooper tried to conceal the tremor in his voice. “He tortured anyone he was with and did things right in front of me that were…” His words broke for a moment, tension squeezing his throat. “I saw some messed up shit because of my dad.” His exhale shuddered, and I snapped my mouth shut, realizing belatedly that it hung open. I could not fathom having a father like that.

He continued, “And I’d love to think I would do better, but…what if I didn’t? There’d be another miserable Cooper in the world because of me. Half the time, I wish I wasn’t even breathing and that’s no life to give to a kid.” He spoke like he was trying to justify something. “Making sure it doesn’t happen in the first place feels like the better choice.”

I swallowed against my tight throat, surprised by the emotions gripping my vocal cords. “You’re already doing better than him, Cooper. You went to rehab and poured out four beers a few hours ago. That’s not small.”

He released a bitter laugh. “Yeah, well, you don’t really know what I’m capable of.” Each syllable carried a depth of sorrow. “But I’ve met your dad. He seems like a solid guy.”