Page 68 of By the Flames of Her Fury

“Everything alright?”

For some reason, that almost made me laugh. I couldn’t remember the last time anything had been “alright.”

“I’m fine, Tessa.”

“Very convincing.” More fabric shifted. I turned my neck, and in the moonlight coming in from the small window, I saw Tessa’s body move onto her side to face me. “Want to try that again?”

I sighed. In the short time I’d spent with the jaguar Shifter last year, one thing had been abundantly clear: she never backed down. Obstinate, my brother lovingly called her. It was one of the things that endeared her to me, unless it was directed at me.

“Why did you let him come here?” I finally asked. I kept my eyes pointed to the floor, unable to look at her.

She let out a soft snort. “You’re kidding, right? If Nox hadn’t come up with this ambassadorship plan, Ev would’ve eventually left on his own. I don’t know if you realize it, but that man is kind of obsessed with you.” There was a creak as she moved on her bed, then her voice grew quieter. “And you broke his heart, Vera. What did you expect him to do?”

Defensiveness settled beneath her accusation. I knew she was right, but they just didn’t understand. “I don’t want to talk about⁠—”

“No, no, Vera, I wasn’t attacking you,” she rushed out. The outline of her blankets moved to the foot of her cot as she sat upright. “It’s just the truth. The Fates know I can’t judge you after everything you’ve been through. I don’t know why you left, but the fact is, you did. And it affected people.”

My chest tightened. I stayed silent, caught between wanting her to stop and urging her to keep going.

“You weren’t just another victim we rescued from Scarven,” she said. “You weren’t someone we housed at the Keep until you could get back on your feet. You’re family, Vera. People there love you so much they’re willing to sacrifice everything to get you back. Nox misses you. Your mother misses you. And Everett…” She trailed off, then let out a breath. “Look, I’m not trying to guilt you. I just want you to know that you’re important to us. Sometimes that makes it hard to understand why you did it.”

Another tear slid out of the corner of my eye and down my temple, into the hair spooled on my pillow. Her words stung. It was easier to live away from those I loved when I couldn’t see the damage I’d caused, when I could believe they had moved on and let me go.

I lingered in the silence until it became too much to bear, and Tessa’s breaths began to even out again. Unspoken words threatened to pour from my chest after screaming to be let out for months.

“I was trapped,” I finally choked out. “Not in a cell, but still. Everyone wanted me to be something I don’t think I’m capable of. You all wanted me to be happy. Normal and healed, like all the others you rescued. And I just…I was trapped. Between what I thought I was supposed to be and who I really was. I had to get out of there. I couldn’t live with—with failing anyone else.”

I thought she had fallen back to sleep. The ship rocked on the waters, with nothing but the stars and faint groaning of wood to hear my confession. Until Tessa suddenly said, “Did you know our families knew each other?”

I paused. That hadn’t been what I expected. “No.”

“My mama was your mother’s lady’s maid, back when your father was Governor of Drakorum.”

My eyes widened slightly. I sat up to face her, her features shadowed with a ring of moonlight highlighted behind her. “She was there when both you and Nox were born,” Tessa continued. “I remember playing with Nox. He was older, but he still made time for an annoying little straggler with no friends.” She chuckled. “Mama was the only one Scarven let your mother keep on her staff when he…well, you know. You were still so young, barely a year old. My mama helped yours through the grieving and the changes and even weaning you. She would come home every day talking about you and Nox, about how fine of a man he was growing into and how feisty you were, even as a baby.”

“What happened?” I whispered. “Why don’t I remember either of you?”

“Well, Mama made a plan to get all of you out of that mansion, but Scarven caught her. Forced her to leave or he’d take me, too.” Tessa’s tone shifted. “The last time she saw you, you were only two years old. But she never forgot about you. She always told me she had faith. She swore that one day, Nox would be the greatest leader our province had ever known, but do you know what she said about you?”

I held my breath. I could see the whites of her eyes glowing in the darkness. She leaned forward and dropped her voice. “She said, this world isn’t big enough for that little girl.”

I swallowed as the air tightened around me, sending goosebumps along my skin. Her cot creaked, and she crossed the couple of steps between us, my own mattress dipping when she sank onto it. “And I think she’s right. So if you felt trapped…maybe that’s because you were. But you’ve never failed us. It’s the world that failed you, Vera. Staying there would’ve meant breaking yourself into pieces small enough for everyone else to hold, and you don’t deserve that, as much as they miss you.” Her hand reached out to rest on top of my knee, and for once, that small act of contact didn’t send me into a spiral.

“Nox and Everett may not, but I think I get why you left now,” she said quietly. “You weren’t meant to stay somewhere that made you feel smaller. You were meant to find a place in this world to take up space. Maybe you haven’t found it yet, but…I’m willing to bet you will. Maybe then you can work your way back to us.”

I hastily wiped my cheeks with the back of my hand. “Fates, now I see why Nox pays you so much,” I joked with a raspy voice.

She snorted. “Yeah, right. Tell him I need a raise next time you see him.”

I looked down at her hand still resting at the edge of my knee—to encourage me, not to hold me in place like so many other touches. I swallowed and put a hesitant hand on top of hers. “Thanks, Tessa. I’m glad Nox has you. And Everett, too. You—you’re a good friend.”

Her shoulder bumped mine. “You have me, too, Vera. You’ve just gotta let me in. Trust me, I can be very persistent.”

“I see that.” A smile cracked my lips. “Do you still get to see your mother often?”

Her hand stiffened, then she pulled it away from my knee. I instantly knew I’d said the wrong thing. “Sorry, Tessa, I didn’t mean to⁠—”

“No, no, it’s fine.” She waved my concern off. “Yeah, she’s—well, she’s sick.” She cleared her throat and turned away. “I actually set her up in one of the shelters I manage so I can, you know, keep an eye on her.”