Page 67 of By the Flames of Her Fury

“Because I saw it.” She took another step away. “Every day. You wanted this perfect life, where we were like—like Nox and Devora, so happy and untouchable and confident that we could face anything. But I’m not like them.”

I thought of the days where she locked herself in her room, trays of food gone cold at her door, and how Nox told me she just needed time. The days where her magic was so volatile that I’d wake up to find her covered in a wall of rock-solid shadows that blasted me backward when I tried to touch her. The days I heard her crying in the bathroom when she thought nobody was around.

“I know you’re not like them,” I said softly. “I never wanted you to be.”

“Maybe not, but you can’t deny that you thought it would all end once we were both free. You thought we could be normal, as long as we loved each other. And I couldn’t stand watching you get hurt, day after day, when that didn’t come true.”

I swallowed hard, then licked my lips. “But I loved you, Vera. I do love you.”

“I know.” She smiled sadly, even as tears lined her eyes. “But that wasn’t enough.”

You’re not enough.

A brick rammed into my chest, knocking the air out of me. All this time, everything I did to fight for her, and it wasn’t enough.

She was right. I’d been an idiot, thinking I could come here and profess my love, and we could ride off into the sunset. Maybe I had wanted what Nox and Devora had. What was wrong with that? Unconditional love, where the traumas of our past paled in comparison to the brightness of our future. Together.

But I never stopped to consider that she didn’t feel the same. Now, it was more than clear. I saw myself the way she no doubt saw me—a pitiful fool who should have stuck to his cynicism instead of latching on to hope.

I took a step back. “I understand.” My voice was colder than I intended.

Her face fell. She moved toward me, but I flinched away. “No, Everett, that’s not—that’s not what I meant. I just⁠—”

“I know what you meant.” I stared at the wall, unable to look at her. I was afraid if I did, it would bring me to my knees. I had been so blindingly perseverant, so focused on finding her, that I never got this far in my wishful thinking—never got to the point where I actually found her, and she didn’t choose me.

Perhaps I was accepting defeat too quickly, after all I’d done to get here. But I had always respected her wishes, no matter how much they broke me.

“I’ll help you track down Mortep, and at the end of this, I’ll walk away, if that’s still what you want.” My eyes flicked to her. “I won’t try to find you again.”

She looked down, and a tear dripped from the end of her nose as I turned to the door. Her hand found mine, stopping me in my tracks. “I loved you so much, Swift,” she said, her voice catching. “I wanted to be everything for you, but I just—I couldn’t be.”

I closed my eyes, then slowly turned and brought her hand to my lips. Her skin was warm and soft, and it took all of my self-control not to forget everything she’d said and beg for her to change her mind.

“You were my everything,” I whispered into the back of her hand, then let go. “But you’re right. That wasn’t enough.”

31

Vera

The look on his face haunted me late into the night. I tossed and turned in bed, unable to stop picturing the way his forehead pinched, the way his eyes turned stone-cold and guarded.

I had done that. I claimed to hate seeing him in pain, and yet I’d been the one to hurt him tonight.

The room felt too quiet without his breaths, too empty without his presence pressing in on me. I spent a year telling myself I was fine without him, that the distance would dull the ache.

It hadn’t.

The backs of my eyes burned. I curled deeper under the blanket and pressed my fist to my sternum, pushing against the cracks that wouldn’t heal. He thought I’d left because I didn’t love him enough. It was easier to let him believe that, but the truth was…the way I loved him had always terrified me.

In the cells, it felt like rebellion. A revolution. I loved him despite the danger it brought, because it gave me something to hope for. But after he was rescued, and after we found each other again…it felt more like I was merely another prison for him.

I loved him enough to notice the hesitation when he would ask me a question, as if he expected me to snap. Every time he flinched when I woke up screaming or when my magic lashed out before I could stop it. I loved him enough to recognize the hope in his eyes every morning after they rescued me, and the disappointment when he realized another day had gone by when I wasn’t what he wanted me to be.

A tear slid down my cheek, and I swiped at it angrily. I didn’t get to fall apart, not when I was the one hurting him. I flipped to my back, legs tangled in the sheets, and let out a frustrated breath. The rustling of blankets next to me made me freeze.

“Vera?” Tessa’s sleepy voice whispered from the cot on the floor. “You awake?”

I paused for a moment. “Yes.”