Page 65 of The Intimacy of Control

This was probably the scariest thing I’d ever done, and I really needed Forrest to go along with it, or I’d lose my will and determination before we’d even started the trip. I’d given up a lot of control to do this. Mav and Melissa were handling the bar for me; I’d turned my phone on silent, and they had strict instructions—self-imposed ones—to not text or call me unless it was an absolutely dire emergency.

I’d given up control so I could do this. I could do this. I was doing this. Forrest was worth it and so much fucking more.

The two-and-a-half-hour drive had been surprisingly pleasant, despite the obvious sadness and silence between us. Forrest had told me a little bit about his brother—River—and how he was adjusting to his new job at Fire and Ice, among other random topics.

It seemed like everything came back to Fire and Ice. Thank God Crew came back from the snowstorm twelve years ago, or he and Price wouldn’t have opened it. What’s that called? Butterfly effect?

I put the car into park, looking out at the scenery through the car’s windshield. Grass was trying its best to grow along the trail in front of us, getting prepared for spring. Forrest was doing the same, looking totally enamored by it all.

I put my sunglasses into the sunglasses holder, got out, and grabbed my backpack from the backseat. There were some water bottles and small snacks in it in case we decided to stay for a while.

“Where are we?” Forrest came up behind me, startling me a bit. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen something like this before. I’ve never been outside of the city.”

“I really haven’t either. It’s beautiful.”

“So, this is where you wanted to take me?”

I shook my head and pointed. “No. Where I wanted to take you is a little up ahead. Keep walking with me.”

He seemed a little confused but followed in step with me as we walked the short trail. We stopped in front of a rock bridge where two big hills were blocking most of our view. I couldn’t see anything yet, but it still gave me pause because I could hear it. I knew what was waiting for us.

The sound of rushing water would always feel like a bad omen. It’d forever hold me captive, which only pissed me off.

I looked over my shoulder at Forrest, who was staring at everything with something close to innocent awe. He walked forward, completely at peace with the idea of being above something that dangerous.

I watched as he stepped onto the bridge, his jaw dropping. “Whoa. Holy fuck. I didn’t know something like this existed in New York.”

There were so many things I wanted to say in response. Truly. I just couldn’t seem to find the courage over the chaos running through my mind. Swallowing past the lump in my throat, I slowly followed Forrest on the bridge.

My first step felt so unsteady, I threw my hands out, catching the ledge with a tight grip. Forrest whipped around to me, his hands out like he was going to catch me if I’d fallen.

“You good?” He asked.

I let out a breath, shaky and uncertain. “Mhmh. Yep. Totally fine.”

“You don’t look fine. The bridge is sturdy. Are you afraid of heights?”

“Mm, not exactly.” I had my entire body turned away from the overlook, trying to pay more attention to the rocky landscape surrounding us rather than anything else.

I squeezed my eyes shut as I tried to take deep, even breaths. It was harder than I thought it would’ve been. So much harder. I was doing my best to remember that I was above the water and not under it. That I wasn’t actively drowning. That nothing was going to hurt me because I was in control. I was above water. I was breathing. I could breathe. I wasn’t going to die.

Fuck, it felt like I was going to die. My chest was tight, and everything felt so fucking terrifying, and the side of my forehead hurt the same as it had after that day, and⁠—

I opened my eyes. Forrest had his closed, but he was leaning against the ledge, sticking his nose in the air and taking big, deep breaths with a smile on his face. He looked happy. He looked at peace. He looked a hell of a lot better than when I’d left him, despite the healing bruises on his face.

Slowly, I started to kneel on the bridge, setting my backpack in front of me. I tried not to look over the other side of the bridge, trying to keep myself from freaking out more than I already was.

It was time.

I broke the silence, surprised at how much I had to project my voice to be heard. There was too much noise, and the echo of my own voice was much louder than I’d expected. “I’m terrified of most bodies of water.”

Forrest turned to me. “You are?”

“Yeah. Even your bathtub freaks me the fuck out. It’s bad.”

“But…” He got down, sitting in front of me, his frame blocking the view of the water below. “Wait, I thought you did swimming when you were younger.”

“I did. I wasn’t always afraid. I used to be fearless to a fault, actually. I risked my health and sanity more often than not because I just…wasn’t scared. Of anything. I almost drowned a hundred times. Probably more, actually.”