Page 64 of The Intimacy of Control

My lashes stuck together as I tried to blink all the blurriness away again. I wasn’t usually a cryer. It was rare I ever shed a tear, yet here I was, shedding them almost uncontrollably, and it was all because of something I’d done. “Forrest is worth everything. But I’m so fucking scared to take the dive.”

“The dive?”

I looked away, staring into the eyes of seventeen-year-old me. “It’s like staring the ocean in its face and daring it to eat you alive.”

Price huffed a laugh, though it lacked all actual humor. “For Pretty Boy here, it was like wading through the Arctic Ocean as his very own pure blue glacier.”

I tilted my head. “Why a pure blue glacier?”

“Blue glaciers are rare.” Crew’s eyebrows fell as he spoke. “The way they’re made is from air bubbles being squeezed out from layers of snow being piled on and compressed. They take a long time to form. They’re suffocated, and then they’re alone for hundreds, thousands, even millions of years. Do you feel suffocated, Jack? Is that why it’s the ocean?”

“Yeah. That’s exactly it. But it’s out of my control, and I can’t handle that.”

He tilted his head. “Does Forrest not scare you?”

“Forrest takes control. I give it to him, and it isn’t scary anymore, but it’s only been sex. Not life. I can’t control a relationship, and I don’t know how to give up control for something like that.”

Price chimed in, shaking his head. “It’s not about giving up control in a relationship; it’s about sharing it. You’re not getting rid of it.”

Sharing it. Not getting rid of it. Huh.

“Jump in the ocean, Jack. That’s my advice.” Crew stood. “If Forrest is your catalyst like Price was for me, then he’ll keep you afloat. You won’t suffocate. You won’t drown.” He started to walk around the corner, Price right behind him, before he turned back around. “Oh, and don’t worry about Tobi. It isn’t your fault, and Tobi is one hell of a strong man. I’d know.” His eyebrows fell, and the bright, icy color of his eyes seemed to dull and gloss over. “I've known him since Tiger Claw Camp.”

It hit me like a ton of fucking bricks all falling on top of me at once. They both walked away, holding hands as they went up the stairs. Crew was the boy Tobi had been talking about.

Tobi and Crew had both been through something so fucking awful. They’d both experienced a trauma so great, it’d affected their lives entirely. Different paths, a shared trauma—yet they’d both found their happily ever afters. They’d found their ones. They’d conquered their fears, and they’d fallen headfirst into love. That meant there was hope—something I’d struggled to get a grasp on, always letting it slip through my fingers because I could never control it.

Forrest was the one. He was my catalyst.

It was time to jump back into the ocean.

chapter twenty-two

I shifted the sunglasses on my face, waiting for Forrest to open his damn door. It was taking him forever, and I was one second away from exploding with anxiety. Honestly, I was a little concerned that maybe his brother was waiting around the corner, ready to pounce at any moment. I wasn’t here because of him, though. I was here for Forrest. Just Forrest.

Finally, his door creaked open, showing me exactly what I’d been afraid of. Forrest’s eyes were red-rimmed and puffy, and he was bundled up in a hoodie. He stared at me for a second before saying anything. “Jack? What are you doing here?”

I cleared my throat, grateful my sunglasses were blocking my eyes so he couldn’t see that I was staring at him with nothing but pain. I’d done this to him. I’d never seen Forrest sad before, yet there he was. So fucking sad. “I need to take you somewhere. Somewhere important. The only thing is that it’s a bit of a drive, and during that drive, you can’t ask me questions. Not until we get there.”

His eyebrows came together as he sniffled. “What do you mean it’s a bit of a drive? I’m just supposed to sit in silence the whole time?”

“You don’t have to sit in silence, but I can’t answer questions about us until we’re there. It’ll be easier for both of us, I promise. It’s a few hours.”

Glancing to the side, he shifted on his feet. “Will you buy snacks and stuff on the way? I haven’t had breakfast yet. I haven’t been to the gym, either, so I’m kind of antsy.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’ll buy us some snacks and some breakfast.”

“Okay. Um, what do I need to wear?”

“That’s the other thing.” He couldn’t see it, but I was looking away now. “You’ll need to pack a bag to be gone for a couple of days. I already went to Pride and Pages and talked to Andros and Camila.”

“A couple of days? I don’t know about⁠—”

“I trust you, Forrest. I trust you, and I really want you to be able to trust me. If we get there and you want to come home, I’ll drive us home. I promise. But for now, humor me. Please?”

He thought about it for a minute. I could almost see all the thoughts piling up in his head as he went through every pro and con. Eventually, he nodded with a sigh. “Okay. Alright, I’ll trust you on this. You don’t really deserve it, but I’ll do it. I’ll come find your car.”

“Thank you. Truly. I’ll meet you there.”