Page 82 of A Christmas Wish for the Village Midwife

‘You’re on call.’

‘Yes, but it’s not a problem. I’m not expecting to be fetched out to anyone. Talk to me, even if it’s just to get things off your chest.’

‘There’s nothing to say.’

‘There’s plenty to say, and you know how things get out of hand when we don’t talk to one another… Please… just sit for a minute and tell me what’s on your mind. I promise, offloading will help you to settle.’

‘Promise, eh?’ He gave a rueful smile. ‘I’ll hold you to that when I’m tossing and turning later.’ He came back to the table and sat down. ‘What should I do?’ he asked. ‘What’s your take?’

‘I couldn’t say. Until we can get more out of Billie, there can’t be a plan for what’s next because we don’t know what’s next for her. But you can tell me how you feel.’

‘Do you think she’ll leave?’

‘Honestly?’ He nodded, and Zoe took a breath. ‘Yes. Sorry, but I think she will. It sounds as if it’s been a long time coming.’

‘Do you think I shouldn’t have brought her here at all? To the Lakes, I mean?’

‘I don’t know about that, but from a selfish perspective, I’m glad you did. I wouldn’t have met you otherwise. I wouldn’t have met Billie either.’

‘That makes me feel better then because you were just the right person when she needed someone to understand her. Without you, I don’t know where either of us would have been right now.’

Zoe wasn’t sure that was true, but she didn’t argue. While the praise made her feel awkward, it also made her feel valued and wanted, and whatever the truth of it, she loved that he saw her that way.

‘So,’ he added into the gap, ‘that’s it. I’m losing her.’

‘You won’t lose her,’ Zoe said. ‘She’ll always be your Billie, even if she isn’t here.’

‘Even if she’s in Spain getting cosy with Luis’s parents? Let’s face it, a life there is probably more stable than her life here.’

‘She adores you. It doesn’t matter how cosy she gets with them – you’re her dad, and I don’t even know why you’d say her life here isn’t stable.’

‘I do my best, but I mess up. Come on – even you can’t deny that. Look at what happened with V. All that stuff with the campsite guests who wanted to sue me. That’s just a couple of things off the top of my head; there’s loads more.’

Zoe leaned over to kiss him lightly. ‘Stop it. We all mess up. Billie doesn’t think you’re a saint, but she does know you’re the best dad she could ask for.’

‘Then why does she want to leave?’

‘Because that’s what kids are supposed to do. It’s life, that’s all.’

‘Well I don’t like it.’

Zoe gave him a small smile. ‘You don’t have to like it; but you know she has to do what she wants. Did you really believe she was going to stay with you forever?’

‘No, but I thought I might have her for longer than this. We’ve barely got to know Louisa. How is that going to work? Every time they come to visit, we’ll be like strangers to her. I thought I was going to be the grandparent that got to watch her grow up, that I’d be the one she’d always come to, but it’s going to be them now, and I wish I didn’t feel so resentful about it, but I do.’

Zoe pulled him into a hug. She wanted to say he’d start to feel better eventually, that they’d find a way around his fears, but it wasn’t what he wanted to hear right now. She was sure he knew those things already because that was always the way. Time healed, that much was true, and pain that felt raw would dull as the months and years went by, and even if Louisa did grow up not really knowing them, if it meant she had a better life, that Billie had the life that would make her happy, then Zoe knew Alex would gladly sacrifice his time with them for that.

He pulled in such a sharp and sudden breath that for one awful moment she feared he would start to cry. That was OK, except that she’d never seen him do it, and she wasn’t prepared. But he didn’t; he only held her closer, and she breathed him in and wished she could make it all better.

‘Can I make a confession?’ he asked after a moment. ‘Don’t be angry when you hear it.’

‘I won’t.’

‘You say that now…’

‘OK, now I really can’t be angry, can I?’

‘I asked Victor about buying Kestrel Cottage. And I sort of told him I wanted to.’