Page 35 of Decker

Chapter Sixteen

“You’re so fucked!”

Decker glanced across the room at Waggs who was sitting at the desk opposite him. He frowned at his friend. “What the hell does that mean?”

“That’s the third time you’ve zoned out today. What the hell is going on with you, Deck?”

Waggs was bang on with his assessment. He was fucked and zoning out because he couldn’t stop thinking about how soft Savannah’s skin was or how amazing she felt when her lips were on him.

He sat forward and glanced at his watch. It was only four in the afternoon, and he was done. He usually worked until seven or eight, not having a reason to go home and pushing his mind to work was what he did. It was his escape but now she’d invaded that, and he didn’t know what to do. Maybe talking to Waggs would help him gain some perspective. “I let slip about Milo in front of Savannah this morning.”

Waggs brows rose, and he sat forward in his seat. He knew Decker never spoke of his wife and son. They all knew what had happened, he’d never really made a secret of it, but he never spoke about what had happened or them. It was too painful, so he kept it locked away in a mental vault.

“What did she say?”

Decker blew out a breath and linked his fingers behind his head. He’d lost his suit jacket and rolled his sleeves up, which was as relaxed as he got at work unless he was working out or on a mission. “Nothing. Alex was talking about the baby having colic and I said white noise helped Milo when he had it.”

“So, she doesn’t know what happened or who Milo even is?”

Decker shook his head. “No. It’s not like that between us. We’re just friends with benefits.”

“Really? She doesn’t seem like the kind of woman who would settle for that.”

Another sigh escaped him, and he dropped his hands to lap. “She isn’t but the attraction between us is off the charts. We’ve fought it for too long. I’m hoping we can get it out of our systems while she stays with me and go back to being platonic friends afterwards.”

“You really think you can walk away from a woman like Savannah?”

No, he didn’t but he knew he had to. She was everything he could ever ask for, and in another time or place, she could’ve been his everything, but he had nothing left to offer her. His heart was a shrivelled lifeless organ in his chest. It might as well have been buried beside his family. He cared for her; he could acknowledge that. She was kind and funny, clever, brave, and so damn sexy, and she challenged him in ways nobody else ever had.

Just that thought made him feel guilty. His Susie had never challenged him. She’d been the opposite of Savannah, a stay-at-home mom with no ambition, except to be a wife and mother.

Savannah was driven and successful, his equal in every way but to love her was something he could not and would not risk. “I have to walk away, Waggs. I have nothing to give her.”

“You sure about that? Because from what I can see, you’re already doing it.”

Decker scowled at Waggs. “Meaning?”

“You’re bringing her into your home, you’re protecting her. You care, Deck, and that’s okay. Look, I know what happened to you is the worst thing imaginable, God knows if it were Willow or AJ, I wouldn’t be able to live through it, but you did and you have a lot to give. Don’t turn your back on a second chance out of misplaced guilt.”

“What if it’s not misplaced? What if the guilt is right where it should be?”

Waggs stood and headed for the door. “I don’t believe that. You’re one of the best men I know, and you would’ve died to protect the people you love. What happened was tragic, but it was an accident.”

Having said his piece, Waggs closed the door leaving Decker with his thoughts. Waggs was wrong, he could’ve done more to protect them. He could’ve been where he said he’d be and then they’d still be alive. His selfish need to show the world how brilliant he was had gotten his family killed.

Taking out his phone, he opened the camera roll and went to his family album. He didn’t do this often. It was too painful to see the still images of his wife and son so happy when he’d never get to experience it in person again. He scrolled to the last image of the three of them together. His son in his arms, his arm protectively around Susie as she smiled up at him, her belly round with the daughter he never got to meet.

The look of love and happiness was on all their faces, a time of laughter and freedom, but he remembered that picture being taken. They’d been at a birthday party for a friend’s child, and he’d been itching to leave and get back to the office so he could follow a lead on a case.

He’d taken it all for granted and paid the ultimate price, and he’d never risk it again. Savannah might be everything he wanted but he wouldn’t fall for her, he owed his family better than that. They could never move on, and neither should he be allowed to.

He could, however, enjoy the brief time he had with her and make sure she was safe from the Cavendish family. She deserved that. To be free from a threat so she could go on and meet a man who’d love her how she deserved to be loved.

His jaw clenched and his fist tightened on his phone at the thought of another man laying his hands on her perfect body. Jealousy, hot and ugly, swamped him and he stood, having to physically push it away. Slipping his phone into his pocket, he rolled his sleeves down, fastened his cuffs, and slipped on his jacket.

It was time to head home. He was getting nothing done here anyway. He could hear Savannah laughing with Autumn in the office as he walked down the corridor and fought the smile the sound brought to his face. He stopped at the door and watched in silence as she played on the floor with Maggie, Autumn and Mitch’s little girl. Technically she was Mitch’s stepdaughter, but no one would ever know it. She adored him and he adored her.

Savannah was helping Maggie do a large picture puzzle and the look of joy on Savannah’s face made his gut tighten and his heart skip a beat. Savannah would be an amazing mother one day. Her kids would be so lucky to have her and the lucky bastard who got to share it with her better appreciate just what he had, but it wouldn’t be him. Regret consumed him and he had to swallow it down, so it didn’t choke him.