Page 9 of Crave

“Then don’t. We can make this work. You know how much I love you.”

I pulled her against my chest. My head was still buzzing from our incredible sex. This time, my orgasm brought me a surprise.

I hadn’t just been fucking her or using her to get off. I cared more about her pleasure than my own.

I wanted to find my way back to the guy that I had been when I’d been in love with her. I wanted the girl she had been when she’d been in love with me. I craved her. But I could never be with her if I couldn’t trust her. And I was balls deep inside her, I had just made love to her, and yet, my anger over her lying to me wouldn’t quit. I may have believed that she didn’t know our son was alive, but she had still made all those choices without me.

“Tell me everything. How was your pregnancy?”

“You really want to know?”

“Yeah.” There was a slice of cool air over me as she slid off my lap and curled against my side.

“It was great, actually. I was sick at first but felt better after the second trimester. He was growing perfectly, and I was really excited to be a mommy.”

I rubbed her arm. “When’s his birthday? Where was he born? What was his legal birth name?” I had so many questions I unloaded them like rapid fire.

She gave me a small smile. “September 6. San Francisco General. Elías Joaquín Cruz.”

I flinched. She’d given him her brother’s name as our son’s middle name. It pissed me off, but I wasn’t going to make a big deal about it.

“Do you have any records from the hospital?”

“Yeah. But not with me. They are all in storage up in Marin.”

Note to self—time to go to Marin. “How did you support yourself?”

“It was tough doing it all alone. After I left you, I knew I couldn’t go to school full time once I had Elías and I didn’t want to ask Joaquín for help since he didn’t know I was pregnant, so I moved to a small apartment in Marin. Got a job at Nordstrom’s as a makeup artist because they had medical benefits immediately after training.”

My chest constricted. “I have the best medical insurance.”

“I know. So many times, I picked up the phone to call you. I was going to show up at your place with my small bump, beg you for forgiveness. But I wasn’t sure the baby was yours. I didn’t know if you would believe me about being raped, or if you would’ve thought I’d cheated on you. I didn’t know what to do, so I didn’t do anything. You don’t know how much I missed you. I was so alone, Grant, just like I am now. But I never stopped loving you.”

“I know.” I pulled her tighter into my arms and kissed her tears away. And in that moment, all my hatred for her washed away. I believed her. I finally pulled my head out of my ass and, for the first time, could see things through the veil of my own anger. She only had me and Joaquín, but she had shut us both out. She had been raped. She was pregnant. I was injured—she felt she had no choice. What must it have been like to go through that alone? The pregnancy, childbirth, getting sick and then losing him. And how could Joaquín abandon her knowing she had been raped? Had he known she was also pregnant?

I cupped her face with my hands. “I want to try to make our relationship work. I can’t promise you more than that right now. But I need you to be completely honest with me from here on out.”

She rapidly blinked. “Babe, really? I know we can find our way back to what we had. Maybe find something even better. If we can get through this, we can get through anything. I just need to know you forgive me.”

“I forgive you. You’re a strong woman. I know you were doing what you thought was best and didn’t want to burden me because I was in the hospital. Do I like it? No. I hate it with ever fiber of my being, but I understand why you thought that it was your only choice. I need you to promise me that if we do this, we do it together. No more lies or keeping stuff to yourself because you think it’s for the best. I’m a man, Mia. I can handle it.”

Her face brightened, and she nodded before pulling herself on top of me. We kissed like we were teenagers on a first date. A new beginning for us. Her eyes sparkled. I enjoyed making her happy.

We both got ready for bed and within a few minutes, Mia was fast asleep. But the sandman refused to pay me a visit. Curry’s tiny meow beckoned me to the office. When I opened the door, I found her pacing around the room, probably desperate for some affection.

Curry rubbed my leg, so I picked her up and pet her until she purred. I prayed that my son was somewhere safe and that I would be able to find and protect him.

I’d always loved animals, dogs more than cats, but it was still nice to imagine that my son shared my love for animals. I wondered what else we had in common. Was he competitive like me? Stubborn like his mom? Did he like being outside? I couldn’t wait to get to know my son.

I looked around my office and saw a picture of Mia and me kissing at BUD/S graduation with Joaquín in the background. I remembered that day so clearly. Mia was wearing her sun dress and beaming with pride. My chest was bloody from when my commanding officer pounded my trident into my flesh, a scar I wore proudly. Best day of my life. I’d achieved my goal, was about to embark on my dream career, and had the love of my life by my side.

But after studying the picture, a wave of nausea hit me. Something had set me off. The way Joaquín was looking at Mia. His lips were pressed flat and his face wore a pinched expression. He looked angry on what should’ve been the happiest day of his life. I couldn’t be certain, and I was probably reading something into it, but it almost looked as if he was jealous of us. Maybe he had just been jealous that he didn’t have a steady girlfriend who loved him the way Mia loved me.

He and Mia had always been strangely close, but I figured it wasn’t my place to judge. I didn’t have a sister. But Joaquín and Mia’s relationship just seemed unnatural, like that stupid Friends episode where that guy Rachel was dating was bathing with his sister. A few times, I caught Joaquín watching Mia too long—too intently. Fuck, I didn’t even know what I was thinking. I was probably a sick fuck for even thinking something was off. Either way, had he been any other man, I would’ve punched him for looking at Mia like that.

We were going to go see him tomorrow, and I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to speak clearly. But the facts were clear in my brain.

Joaquín and Mia were not biologically related. Did that matter? Did he know? And if so, when did he find out?

Joaquín knew she had been raped yet never told me or comforted her. Why? He and I could’ve banded together to try to figure out who had done it. Gone to where the party was held, interviewed people, gone to the police. And even if we hadn’t been able to find out anything, we could’ve been there for Mia. I was certain that if I’d been told about what happened, I would have convinced Mia it wasn’t her fault and she would’ve come back to me. I would’ve taken care of her and married her and raised her son no matter if I was the father or not.

Also, Joaquín was accused of killing Tiffany, the woman who gave my son to her mom to raise. That could not be a coincidence. He either knew all along that she had our son and killed her to ensure her silence. That possibility was so horrifying that I didn’t even want to think about it. Or he found out she was involved in kidnapping our son and killed her in a rage, which would make him a good guy—a hero who killed to protect our child.

I had my doubts.

I rummaged through my desk to find the number of my vet. I needed to get Curry her shots and get her spayed. But my hand landed on something else.

A box containing the engagement ring I had bought for Mia.

I chucked that stupid ring across my hospital room the day she’d left me. I had considered pawning it, swallowing it with some tequila, or even incinerating it. But something made me hold on to the ring, maybe a small hope that, one day, Mia and I would get back together again.

I opened the box and stared at the small, oval diamond ring. It had a thin, rose-gold band, which I had thought would look perfect on Mia’s finger.

I snapped the box shut and shoved it to the bottom of my seabag. Too many what-ifs and unknowns. I felt like I was living in my own choose your own adventure book. Somehow, I doubted that I could change this saga into a happy ending.