Page 17 of False Promises

Together, Dahlia and I slid down onto the wooden floor in a tangled mess of limbs as we cried every tear filling our hearts. Later, we moved to the couch and fell asleep in each other’s embrace, exhausted. As the first rays of sunshine illuminated our frozen forms, I had the certitude that life as I knew it would never be the same.

5

CARTER

My heart pounded in my chest. It hesitated between jumping around and freezing as the anxiety of the approaching night tightened every fiber of my being. A mix of angst and excitement swirled inside me. If it was any other time, I would have put on my sneakers and run until oxygen couldn’t reach my lungs and my legs quivered with muscle spasms. Intense exercising, or rather hours of workout, helped to rest my mind.

Since my brother’s passing a year ago, I’d started having episodes. Panic attacks that paralyzed me. And haunted my nights sometimes. Or my days.

Gone was the version of me who drowned his sorrows in booze. I was back to being Carter Hills, the trustworthy and leveled-headed man I had been most of my life.

I had people counting on me. People I couldn’t let down.

The shadows of my existence were parting to cede their place to a fresh start.

Tonight, the professional side of me would make a comeback. It took every bit of convincing from my friends and managing team for me to agree to give my musical career another try.

Usually, the idea of walking onstage and being greeted by enthusiastic fans was enough to shoot me with doses of vivacity. Adrenaline would course through my veins, powerful and addictive. But right now, it felt as if I was about to jump off a cliff with no safety net.

Standing upright, I shook my hands, cracked my neck, and stretched my legs, a mix of fervor and nervous restlessness making it hard for me to stay put.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

The psychologist I’d met a dozen times had recommended breathing exercises to refocus. Sometimes, they worked, oftentimes they didn’t.

Right now, I wished they would be enough to not have a meltdown that could ruin my performance. That they would help me stay in focus.

Come on, Cart. You got this. You’ve done this hundreds of times in the past. It’s like riding a bike. It will all come back to you even though right now you feel like your brain is a blank mass.

Riley Burns, my manager and the one who got us signed to a big label and helped us reach stardom when we were eighteen, moved closer and clapped my shoulder. Back then, my brother gave our demo to one of his friends, and Riley came to see us play. He believed in us and our talent from the start and led us to the top. “Fine,” he said, raising both hands in surrender. “I’ll go. Take the time you need to calm the fuck down. I’ll meet you by the stage. Don’t doubt yourself, okay? You’ll do great, man. I believe in you.”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

He closed the door behind him, and I found myself alone with my thoughts.

I rubbed my hands together, infusing myself with grounded energy. Yes, I could do this. I would do this. I was Carter Hills, and I could walk on that stage and rock a crowd.

Tiny doubts lingered deep inside me. Carter Hills Band had been Dahlia and me. From the start. The two of us against the world. The two of us against all odds.

Alone in the dimly lit room, I wondered how to launch this new chapter without her.

Dahlia was done with the business. She had other dreams. And Jack. The baby kept her fully busy. We talked about this. And she had no intention of pursuing a musical career ever again.

“Cart, I loved every minute of it. But it’s not my destiny as it is yours. Please don’t deny yourself the dreams and living them a thousand times over because I chose to walk away.” These words were what she said the last time we discussed the matter.

I got it. I really did. But it didn’t mean the thought didn’t sting, though.

After we buried Jeff, Dahlia and I chose to co-parent Jack together. No matter the status of our relationship, her son would never have to suffer from his father’s absence. I would make sure of it. After all, that little boy shared part of my DNA. And owned my heart.

Initially, babbles and smiles, big eyes discovering the world for the very first time, then came the sleepless nights and diaper rashes, I shared the joys and burdens of caring for a newborn with her every time I could. And so far, we were doing great. Which added an extra layer of stress and guilt to the fact I was about to go back on tour and travel the world while Dahlia would be home by herself. Looking after Jack. On her own.

After everything we’d been through, one thing never changed. Dahlia Ellis was still my entire world. I never stopped loving her. And probably would forever. Even though she would always choose to consider me as nothing more than a friend.

Circumstances made it wrong for me to still bear feelings for my best friend. Our situation was messy. And unconventional in every way. But also, beautiful in its own complexity.

Breathe in. Breathe out. You can do this, Carter. You’ll do great out there. This is your calling.

Before a show, in the past, I would have focused on my mindset, following a specific ritual.