Page 10 of False Promises

“Look at me, Cart.”

“Nah, I’m fine,” I said. How could I let my brother see the truths I kept hidden in my eyes? I would never risk his seeing what was inside me. Instead, I kept avoiding the piercing gaze I could feel aimed at me.

“Come on, man. We gotta talk about this. It concerns all three of us. You can’t avoid Dahlia and me forever. We’re not the enemies here.”

I shrugged.

“Cart, I’m trying. I really am. In the last year, we all went through some serious shit. I fucking hit rock bottom. And without both of you, I’m not sure I would be standing here right now. Dahlia and you kept me sane through the struggles. All of them. And I’ll forever be grateful.”

His hand found Dahlia’s, and they intertwined their fingers. As if it gave him the courage to keep going. I knew because having her next to me did the same to me too.

Running the back of my hand underneath my nose, I did my best to keep my emotions at bay.

“Cart,” Dahlia said, her voice broken and raw. “Please. Talk to me.” She paused. “Talk to us.”

I shot my arms out on either side of me. “Why? Why would I need to open up to any of you? I’m just a third wheel in this”—my hand traveled between us—“relationship or friendship or whatever this is. When you got together, at least I still had the band, the music. Dahlia was still part of my life. Now I’m all alone. You all turned your backs on me. The band is gone. You’re having a baby, and you’re getting married. I can’t be stuck in the middle forever.” I spewed the venomous words. The ones burning my tongue as they spilled out from my mouth. “The thing is, I don’t have a fucking band anymore. I lost nothing short of everything. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. All that I’d worked my butt off since I was just a kid.” I snapped my fingers. “Like this. All gone. Poof. One moment I was at the top of the world, having the best night of my life, and minutes later, it all came crashing down. Sorry if I don’t feel like being lectured about my lack of enthusiasm.”

For the longest time, we all remained silent, the weight of my words heavy between us.

“Cart,” my brother said in a tentative voice. “It doesn’t have to be this way. You’ll figure it out. You always do.”

My chair scraped the floor as I pushed it back and moved to stand, my fork clinking against my plate when I dropped it.

“What if I don’t want to? What if I have no idea how to process the loss? I feel cheated. It’s not just you two. It’s Stud too. He left me and moved to fucking Oregon. I’m just tired of always being the one left behind. The reasonable one. Maybe I’m done trying to fix things up. And be the nice guy. Maybe I just wanna be left the fuck alone for a change. By my choice.” I walked away from the table and grabbed the whiskey bottle on the countertop in the kitchen. The one that was starting to feel too much like a friend lately. Tilting my head back, I gulped a mouthful and wiped my lips with my hand. “You can see yourselves out. No need to clean up here. I might do it later. Or not. Who cares, right? I got nothing better to do anyway.” With a dozen strides, I reached my bedroom and slammed the door behind me before dropping onto my bed. The tears I’d been holding in for the last hour leaked from my eyes, tiny drops of lava etching my skin.

Sobs rocked my body, and after I threw the whiskey bottle across the room to avoid drinking myself numb, I curled into a ball and let the sadness finally express itself.

Some time later, a small knock on the door broke the silence of my harsh breathing.

“Cart, can I come in?” Dahlia asked.

I didn’t reply.

“Please. It doesn’t have to be this way. We said we’d talk about this, but you keep shutting us down. Shutting me down. We never talked about what happened between us that night. And we need to address it. To move forward.”

I remained silent. I had nothing to say. And the only thing I wanted to talk about, she didn’t wanna hear my thoughts about it. Anyway, I wouldn’t be able to break her heart. That I knew for sure.

I heard Jeff’s muffled voice. “Want me to give it a try?” he asked her.

I didn’t hear her reply, but I knew she would refuse. In the past, when things got rough, I opened up to her first. Always did. Then I let my brother in.

“Okay, I’ll run some errands. Call me if you need me. His refrigerator is empty. He can’t survive on a booze diet forever. I’ll go grocery shopping and be right back.” Jeff murmured something I didn’t catch, and seconds later, I heard the front door shut.

Dahlia’s soft voice broke the silence once again. “Cart, I’m coming in.”

I snorted. Whatever. She wouldn’t hear me out anyway.

I opened my burning eyes to my best friend sitting next to me on the bed. “Why did it have to be him, Dah?” I asked after a beat, the lining of my throat sensitive after all the tears I’d cried. “Why couldn’t you choose me?”

“Cart, it doesn’t have to be one or the other. I have a place in my heart for both of you.” I rested my cheek on the side of her leg, and her fingers combed my hair back. “Never in my life did I mean to hurt you. I love you too much, and seeing you suffer is my greatest pain.”

“Dah, I miss you.” I hiccupped.

“I miss you too.” Sadness coated her admission.

“I need time. I’m not ready to forget and forgive just yet. The wedding…the baby…the band…that…us… It’s a tough pill to swallow. It’s too fucking much all at once.”

She nodded. “When you’re ready, we’ll be here, okay? All of us. You’re a force to reckon with, Carter Hills. You always get back on your feet. I have faith in you. I always do.”