Page 45 of Hope and Country

“I’m pretty sure you feel it too, Riley. This thing between us. As if the air thickens every time we’re in the same room. I wanted to kiss you so bad that night.” There, I said it. Riley’s hand found my hips, and I lost myself in the moment, desperate to feel something other than pain. Desperate to feel beautiful again. And precious to someone else.

My palms traveled under his shirt, relishing the feel of every muscle, ridge, and dip, ready to peel it off when Riley, his hands still on my hips, leaned back.

“Wait. Devon. We shouldn’t,” he said, breathless. He writhed to adjust his jeans. And my eyes got transfixed on the bulge under his palm. “We can’t rush this. You need time. To get better.”

I blinked, bringing my focus back to him, the back of my eyes raw from the tears I cried.

I swallowed before breaking the tenseness floating around us. “I’m sorry. I got lost in my emotions. Do you want me to go? I can leave. I—”

Riley hauled me to his lap, our breathless chests inches apart. “No. Don’t leave. I love having you here. Unless you want to, I won’t be the guy showing you the door.” His fingers traced the length of my jaw. “God, you’re so beautiful. And brave. And your laughter is intoxicating. But your body is still bruised. Rushing this would only make it worse. And I’ll never be the man who hurts you, Devon.”

I knitted my fingers with his and brought our joined hands to my flaming cheeks.

We stared into each other’s souls, letting the beating of our hearts fall in synch.

My voice dropped to a whisper when I deciphered the words he spoke. “You thought about kissing me before?” I asked, feeling bold in front of the man who owned my heart in a million different ways.

“From the moment I laid my eyes on you in that red dress. And every minute since.”

A warmer flush spread on my cheeks. And I used Riley’s palms to calm the burn.

“I thought about it a lot too. I’m glad we got it out. You know, I didn’t mean to walk away that night. I yearned to be with you. Because you made me smile. And made me believe I deserved better. That I could aspire to a better life. To love and freedom. I’m sorry it took us a year and those circumstances to find our way back to each other.”

“Me too.” He kissed my cheek, and I snuggled against him on the couch, enjoying the safety he brought me. “You would never be a random fuck to me, Devon. There’s too much at risk here. Starting with my heart. I can’t explain it. You make me feel things I never thought possible before. We need to take it slow. To avoid being burned.”

I drew the shape of his abs with my finger.

“I’d like that. Because you make me feel things I could really get used to. You make me feel alive. It’s scary. But enticing too. You’re right. Let’s not rush what we could be. I’m glad we’re on the same wavelength about this.”

* * *

In the middle of the night, I woke up in the guest bedroom, tucked in my bed, feeling like I rested on a fluffy cloud. I didn’t remember falling asleep. We were watching a movie, then I blacked out, sleep overpowering me. Riley must have carried me in here. My lips curled at the thought.

From the darkness around me, I could tell it wasn’t morning yet. I tossed and turned. In vain. I couldn’t doze off anymore. And as it did often, when I found myself alone in the dark, a surge of panic crept inside me, and I relived those awful memories all over again.

I panted as motes of panic descended upon me.

A knock on the door brought me out of my imminent fit of terror.

“Devon, you awake? Are you all right? You were screaming.”

Was I? Ohmygod. With anyone else, I’d be mortified, but for some reason, with Riley, I wasn’t ashamed. He had seen me at my lowest point. And cared for me when I thought I’d die.

“Sorry. I didn’t realize. Did I wake you?”

“Can I come in?”

I whispered a breathless yes.

Riley moved closer, his hair disheveled, looking hot with sleep inscribed on his face, him standing next to me strong enough to put to rest the panic swirling inside me. “Want me to—?”

“Yes. Please. Hold me.”

Without another word, I moved aside, and Riley glided under the covers, his arms blanketing me from everything, even my nightmares.

Once I felt brave enough, I told him about the idea that had been swirling in my head for the last couple of days. Not that I thought Riley would object, but because I didn’t want to invade his privacy any more than I already did.

My lips grazed his cheeks.