Page 76 of Certified to Handle You 3

I shook my head once. “Nah.”

Pluto’s face softened, and that almost made me wish she had asked me rougher. “I’m sure y’all miss each other.”

I gripped the wheel tighter, then loosened my hand when I caught myself. “Missin’ somebody don’t fix what they did.”

“I know.”

“I ain’t sayin’ I don’t miss her,” I said, and the words came out before I could stop ’em. “I just don’t know what the fuck that’s supposed to do for me. Missin’ her ain’t gon’ make me answer my phone and just start talkin’ like everything cool.”

Pluto stayed quiet, and that made me keep talkin’ even though part of me wanted to shut the fuck up. But that was the thing about her. She ain’t have to drag shit out a nigga. She just gave you room, and somehow that room made the truth louder than the lie.

“I had plans in my head,” I said, keepin’ my eyes on the road. “Real plans. And I know that might sound crazy comin’ from me ‘cause a nigga done been outside most of my life doin’ whatever the fuck I wanted, but that shit was different with her. I was thinkin’ about houses, kids, where we would stay, how we would move, all that shit. Then shit went left.”

Pluto shifted in her seat, turnin’ toward me more. “That doesn’t sound crazy, Renza.”

“It felt crazy,” I said. “It felt like I let myself get too far ahead and got embarrassed behind the shit. That’s the part I don’t like. I can deal with bein’ mad. I know what to do with mad. I can go silent, smoke, work, cut muthafuckas off, and keep movin’. But that other shit?” I shook my head and let out a light breath. “I ain’t know what to do with that, so I acted like it wasn’t there.”

“And now it’s still there,” Pluto said.

I looked at her for a second, then back at the road.

She said the shit like she could see it sittin’ on me. I hated that too, ‘cause I had been doin’ a good job of makin’ everybody think I was past the worst of it. Or maybe I only thought I was. Maybe they had been seein’ it the whole time and just knew better than to say too much.

“It come and go,” I muttered.

“Does it?” she asked.

I smirked ‘cause that was Pluto all day. Soft voice, sweet face and still gon’ call bullshit when she heard it. “You been around Pressure too long.”

“No,” she said. “I’m just asking you because I love you.”

That shut my mouth for a second.

“I’on know what I’m supposed to say to her,” I admitted. “That’s the truth. I’on know if I’m supposed to ask why. I’on know if I’m supposed to tell her how bad that shit fucked me up. I’on know if I’m supposed to act grown and wish her well. I’on even know if I can hear her voice and not fold or get mean. And I’on wanna do neither one.”

Pluto nodded slow. “Maybe you don’t have to know everything before you call.”

“That don’t feel right to me.”

“I know,” she said. “But maybe that’s why it keeps building. You keep trying to have the whole conversation in your head.”

I ain’t like how much sense that made.

The road curved, and I followed it, lettin’ a car pass before I switched lanes. My chest felt tight, and I could feel myself gettin’ uncomfortable with how deep this conversation had got while I was still supposed to be playin’ my part in Pressure’s lil’ surprise. I rolled my shoulders once and looked toward the buildin’s ahead.

Pluto noticed ‘cause of course she did. “It doesn’t have to be tonight, Renza.”

I swallowed and nodded once.

“But if you want that feeling to start leaving you,” she said, keepin’ her voice gentle, “you’re probably going to have to talk to her at some point. Even if it’s just for closure. You don’t have to make a decision tonight, and you don’t have to forgive her before you’re ready, but you got hurt, Renza. That doesn’t make you weak. It just means you let your guard down with somebody you really wanted, and I don’t think you should punish yourself for that.”

I kept my eyes on the road, but that shit landed heavier than I wanted it to. Pluto shifted in her seat like she was tryna see my face better, and I already knew she was catchin’ everything I was tryna keep off it.

“She engaged to a whole other nigga, Pluto,” I said, and even though my voice stayed low, I felt every word scrape on the way out. “That ain’t some lil’ mistake you make and come back from like when you forget to call somebody. She said yes. She let that nigga put a ring on her finger.”

Pluto got quiet for a second, and I thought she was gon’ leave it there. Then she looked out the window, and when she spoke again, her voice was still soft, but it had somethin’ real in it.

“You remember what happened with me, Pressure and Kashmere,” she said. “You were there, Renza. You saw how far that went.”