Page 3 of Certified to Handle You 3

But when that love felt good, God, it felt good…

That was the shit I had been tryna forget.

By the time I pulled into my mama’s driveway, I ain’t even have the strength to get out the car.

I shut the engine off and sat behind the wheel while the house stared back at me through the windshield. My hand was still restin’ near the gearshift, and the diamond on my finger caught the sunlight comin’ through the window. I lifted my hand and stared at it.

Yesterday, the ring had been surrounded by screamin’, clappin’ and people tellin’ me congratulations. Couture’s grandma had tears in her eyes. Ms. Emoree hugged me and welcomed me into the family, and Couture looked at me like I had just gave him everything he ever wanted.

How was I supposed to say no in front of all those people?

I knew I could’ve. Nobody had put a gun to my head, and I wasn’t about to lie to myself and pretend I had no choice. I had a choice. I just couldn’t bring myself to humiliate a man who had never humiliated me.

Now I was sittin’ here alone with the answer.

I turned my hand from side to side and watched the diamond move under the light, but eventually my vision started blurrin’.

All I could see was Renza…

I remembered that damn Airbnb. I remembered layin’ in bed with him and wakin’ up to his kisses.

I remembered laughin’ with him until my stomach hurt, goin’ out with him and watchin’ bitches notice him everywhere we went ‘cause Renza was fine as hell and he knew it. I remembered the tattoos coverin’ his arms, the waves in his head and that thick beard I was always touchin’ when he was close enough for me to reach it.

I remembered the way he looked at me…

That was what finally made the first tear fall.

Renza could look at me sometimes and make everybody else in the room feel like furniture. There wasn’t nothin’ halfway about that nigga. If he was mad, I felt it. If he wanted me, I felt that too. When he loved on me, there wasn’t never no question about whether his mind was somewhere else ‘cause Renza gave me all of him in a way that used to scare the hell out of me.

Another tear rolled down my cheek, then another one followed it…

I wiped ‘em away, but more came before I could get myself together.

“What the fuck am I doin’?” I whispered while starin’ down at my hand.

My shoulders started shakin’ as the question settled inside me.

I had spent months tellin’ myself that peace was what I needed. Couture gave me that. He gave me a love that made sense on paper and felt good in real life too, but somehow my heart was still cryin’ over a nigga who had brought more confusion into my life than anybody I had ever dealt with.

I loved Couture, but somethin’ in me belonged to Renza in a way I had been too scared to admit ‘cause admittin’ that shit meant I had to deal with everything that came attached to lovin’ him.

Renza was difficult. He was possessive as hell, stubborn and too used to gettin’ his damn way. That nigga could make me want to scream one minute and have me curled into his chest the next. We had argued over petty shit that shouldn’t have lasted ten minutes, and then both of us would drag it out ‘cause neither one knew how to shut the hell up.

Still, even the memories of our arguments hurt now ‘cause I missed havin’ him there to argue with. I missed his voice.

I missed him walkin’ into a room and immediately changin’ how I felt inside it. I missed rubbin’ his beard while he laid against me. I missed hearin’ him talk shit. I missed the way he would pull me closer in bed when I tried to move away from him, then act like I was the one botherin’ him when I finally settled against his body.

I missed lovin’ him… and truth broke somethin’ open in me.

I covered my mouth with my hand while thick tears rolled down my face. I had spent almost three months refusin’ to call what I felt love. I called the shit attachment, history and me bein’ used to Renza and needin’ time to get him out my system.

None of that shit worked…

Now I had another nigga’s engagement ring on my finger, and my heart was reachin’ across an ocean for Renza so hard that I could damn near feel him. I grabbed my phone before I could talk myself out of it.

My fingers shook while I went into my settings and found the list of numbers I had blocked. Renza’s number was still there, and just seein’ it, made another tear slide down my face.

For a few seconds, I stared at it, and thought about Couture. Then I thought about spendin’ the rest of my life wonderin’ what would’ve happened if I stopped bein’ scared long enough to tell Renza the truth. I swallowed hard and unblocked him.