Page 20 of Home Ice

But I was too in my feelings to deal with anything else.

So I’d done the only thing I could back then.

I cut off everything to do with hockey.

Including Hawke.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks, heavy eyebrows pulling tight and voice getting louder.

I push past him. “Come with me. We’re not having this conversation here.”

I might not have been able to manage my reactions back then, but I can now. I’ve done a lot of work on myself, and I’m not about to have an argument in front of clients and my students.

Hawke follows me into the hall that leads to the changerooms. We’ve been here too many times to count, and I wish it felt like old times, but it doesn’t. Nothing with him will ever feel like it used to.

“So why?” he demands. “Why did I have to run into him this morning and get caught completely by surprise?”

“Because I hated you.”

Hawke’s face falls, and it’s clear that he didn’t expect that answer. “What the fuck did I do?”

“Nothing. You did absolutely nothing. I was mad, and I was projecting. I didn’t handle any of it well.”

Some of his angry shock loosens. “You could have told me.”

“I know.”

His confusion doesn’t shift.

“But I didn’t want to. I know it sounds ridiculous when I explain it, but I wasn’t in a good headspace. I didn’t want to hear about you exceeding in your rookie year. I didn’t want to hear about training and travel and playing every fucking day. Because all it would have done is remind me of everything I was missing out on.”

“Then why didn’t you let the team know what was going on? They would have held your spot until he was better.”

I give him a flat look. “You just saw him. Does he look better to you?” It’s not a fair comment when Dad doesn’t wallow over how things have changed, and he does do a lot for himself. He doesn’t need constant care like he did in the beginning, and it’s rare these days that he has a bad mental health day.

“By the time he got anywhere close to being recovered enough for me to leave, I’d already been out of the game too long. I would have been sent to a farm team, gone through reconditioning, and maybe even then it wouldn’t have happened. I was never as good as you. And …” The truth of it all is that I was scared. Scared that I’d leave and fail anyway. Scared that I’d leave and Dad wouldn’t handle it. “I needed to be here.”

“We got through everything together,” he says, almost like an accusation.

“We did.” And I want to be clear that this was my thing, and I own that I made the choice for the both of us. “Except this. It was shitty of me, but I did what I had to in order to protect myself. Maybe one day, you’ll see that, maybe you won’t.”

“Holy fuck,” he mutters, scrubbing at his face. “Just so you know, asshole, you needed me then. And you know I would have been there for you. Just like I needed you. Rookie year wasn’t easy. I struggled. A lot. Especially when my best friend up and ghosted me.”

“Yeah, but that’s what I’m saying. I couldn’t be there for you through that. I was maxed out with my own shit, and hearing you complain that all your dreams weren’t what you wanted them to be would have sent me homicidal.”

Hawke’s handsome face twists with offense. “You really think that’s what I would have done? No. I would have taken leave and come back to help you through it! I would have been there, every day, and fuck you for assuming it would have been any different.”

Out of all the possibilities I’d considered, that one wasn’t on the list. “I would have hated if you gave up your dreams for me.”

“It wasn’t your choice. Like Carly keeping Kasen a secret wasn’t her choice to make. And hell—maybe if I’d come back then, I would have found out about him. Maybe I never would have played hockey. Or maybe we both would have …”

He’s going through all the same emotions I did at first. But there’s one thing I’ve learned. “Maybes don’t change what happened.”

Hawke leans against the wall, still as impressive and confident as ever, even with the skates giving me an inch or so of height on him. He crosses his arms, and it’s familiar, the way he’s trying to protect himself from this conversation. He’s always been one of those larger-than-life guys who parties and has fun and puts on an act for other people. I was the only one he ever let that slip with. I wonder who he confides in now. “So I’m supposed to accept it all? That I have a kid I knew nothing about who hates me and an ex-best friend who didn’t know me like I thought he did.”

“You don’t have to accept anything. You’re in a shitty position.” I’m not blowing smoke up his ass either. I can’t imagine what he’s going through, and as much as I want to be there for him, I’m not deluded enough to think he’ll let it happen.

Hawke swallows, tilting his head forward like he’s looking at the ground, but I don’t miss the way he peeks up at me. “So … you know Kasen.”