Page 17 of Falling for the Hotshot

“Is that Autumn?” she asked, holding her hand out for me to give her the radio. I shrugged and handed it over.

“Autumn, it’s Kerry. How is everything going up there?” A short pause, and the woman named Autumn came back on the air.

“Hi, Kerry! It’s going great. I am really enjoying the experience I am getting up here.” Her cheery voice reminded me of the fall sunshine that could hit you right in the forehead but still stay out of your eyes. It gave you warmth, but you knew something cozier was ahead before you had summer all over again. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but I really liked the sound of it.

“I’m so glad to hear that. Well, I’ll let you get back to it. Did Blaze get you sorted?” Kerry looked at me while I looked at her, both of us waiting for a reply from the woman on the other end.

“Yes—I thought my radio was malfunctioning, so I called in for a radio check...” she trailed off. Kerry nodded.

“Excellent. I’m glad you did—thank you for checking in with us. And you do sound loud and clear.” Kerry smiled when she spoke, still holding the corded radio set to Autumn’s frequency. After a few moments, when Autumn said nothing more, she set the radio back on its hook, and it started scanning again. I knew it was dumb, I knew it was stupid, and likely, one sided, but I couldn’t wait for Kerry to leave so that I could check in with Autumn again. But the thing was, I wasn’t supposed to be chatting it up all day. I needed to keep the lines clear and wait for a call. Wait for them to check in with me, twice a day, morning and evening.

Knowing I would hear from Autumn again, whoever she was, wherever she was—high in the fire watch Tower Three—was in the back of my mind. And maybe it was because she sounded like she was my age. Maybe it was because I was overanalyzing my love life while I really needed to be focusing on God to take control. Whatever was going on in my mind, there was something about her, and I couldn’t wait until her next check-in came.

Chapter 18

The Quiet Between Calls

Autumn

September 1st—the month that my wedding was to be—had arrived. As I lay in bed that morning, the sun creeping up over the horizon, I contemplated where I would’ve been in another timeline of my life. If Ray hadn't dumped me for someone else.

I would’ve been sipping orange juice out of champagne flutes and eating eggs benedict with friends and family at my bridal shower. I would’ve been wearing that silly, white, silk sash that read “Bride-to-be” on the front, written in cheap rhinestones that I would’ve bet half of it would’ve been gone by the time the day was over. I would’ve been at his grandparents’ ranch, in a beautiful part of Montana, set up for my shower in the large living room where we would’ve heard birds chirping and the roar of the river outside the guest cabin where I would’ve been gushing to my guests over my future plans with Ray. His grandmother would’ve been sitting in her large, leather wingback chair, stoking the fire, despite it being a balmy 90 degrees out.

Now, I got up in the morning sun. I hadn’t set my alarm in a few weeks. I was staying committed to reading my Bible in the early hours. I spent my time between checking in with the dispatch, and between watching for smoke and signs of fire, reading the Word. Visiting with God. Seeking Him. Praying.

Another thing I was exploring was the idea of heights. The stairs had scared me silly every time I’d used them. But once I was inside, or at the bottom, I felt good. Safe to explore. So, I’d also been trying a bit of hiking around on the ground. Picking up pretty rocks that sparkled in the sun. Mostly, just waltzing around the ground of my tower, always staying within a few dozen yards of it.

Inside, my hobbies had evolved as well. I liked to open the windows and listen to bird songs, while looking up the names, when I caught a glimpse of them, in a bird identifying book that someone had left on the shelf. Learning how to be content with just myself, and God.

The impact it had on my life couldn’t be summarized easily, but the biggest hurdle I’d overcome was letting go of those past hurts. Jesus had traded my pain for peace. Being up here in the peace, the quiet, the solitude—I was overlooking His creation, without the noise of anything else around me getting in the way.

Day in, day out, I’d only conversed with Stephanie. Up until Don drove me to the grocery store, I'd only chatted with other women, and that was nice while I was still in my deep river of hurt. Now that I was afloat again, swimming on my own, I supposed I wouldn’t mind speaking to a guy again. But then again, up here, it was unlikely to happen. I actually laughed at the idea of how I would converse with a man. Besides, I was relying on God to write the next chapter of my love life, if there was one to begin with. Only He knew that. But thank the Lord, today, on the day I was to wed Ray, I felt over it. Past the hurt. Forgiving of the pain. There were many reasons why Ray and I were not a good match, and I didn’t want to dwell on those reasons, but something else, too. My parents. They were so enthusiastic about him, that I thought I felt more interested in him than I really was.

Ray was not a saint. But I wanted to believe he was the perfect man, and most importantly, the perfect man for me, because it was a lot more fun that way. Everyone around me acted like I was getting the best outcome possible but looking back, they didn’t know what I wanted. They didn’t know what he wanted. Ray was handsome in his own way, very book smart but had no sense of my feelings. No emotional intelligence for those around him. His social cues were lacking. He had manners all day long, but I had long felt the red flags for what life with him would be like. If it was anything like our engagement and wedding planning, I was in for a lonely existence.

It couldn’t have been later than six in the morning when I was making my batch of coffee. I bought a nice, hearty dark roast that I found at SuperCub foods when Don took me a few days ago. The kind where you grind them right there in the aisle, and they go into the brown bag. Aromas filling up the aisles for days. I was already hooked; it was the best coffee I’d ever had, and when I left here again, I planned on stocking up.

My thoughts returned to my brief outing to SuperCub foods. I’d been so preoccupied with getting my supplies and my run-in with my cousin Becky that I’d not even remembered to check my phone for messages. But let’s be honest; If anyone had wanted to get a hold of me, they could have, right?

Surely, my parents could call the Maple Haven Fire District and through a series of questions and answers, they could be transferred to dispatch. They could be placed on hold while Stephanie verified this was someone she should definitely alert me about. She would. at the very least, pass on a message. But suddenly, the thoughts of not checking my phone for even the slightest message started to give me anxiety. What if I hadn’t heard from them because there was that big of an emergency? Maybe they had still put on one of the pre-wedding events without me there so they could group together and commiserate how they were all missing out on having a doctor in the family when suddenly, one of those giant sinkholes opened up in the ground and swallowed their entire house with everyone I’d ever met inside. I started to wonder about the likelihood of something like that happening—the sinkhole, not the party—because let’s face it: they would do that. Lord, forgive me for even imagining that. Forgive me for the faintest desire of something like that happening so I wouldn’t ever have to face them again.

After struggling with feelings that I didn’t enjoy, I realized I was ready to forgive my parents, too. It wasn’t just Ray who had hurt me. My parents and I had never had the greatest relationship, despite my wanting that. They just weren’t the kinds of parents you could get close to. I decided to use my satellite phone, the one I assumed was for emergencies only, and make a quick call. Since it was still early, I knew they’d still be home, not out mourning my wedding day at the site.

I stepped out on the deck, feeling the cool air run through my hair. I wondered if they would remember that today was the day of my bridal shower as I dialed the numbers. I wondered if they had reached out to me.

“Hello?” My dad’s voice made my heart jump. It wasn’t as clear of a connection as I’d wished the satellite phone would give, but I kept the heavy antenna pointed upward and hoped for the best.

“Hi, Dad. It’s Autumn,” I said, emotions coming up my throat for no reason. He paused, like the connection was delayed. It very well could have been for all I knew. This was my first ever call on a satellite phone.

“Autumn!” His voice was full of wonder and joy. “Well, how are you? How is it? Are you enjoying your new job?”

“Yes, Dad. I really am. I love it up here. I’m calling you from the satellite phone, so write down this number if you need to reach me, as I don’t check my cell phone anymore.” A decision I didn’t know I had made until just now, but it was a very freeing choice at that.

“Will do. Say, your mother wants to say hi. Here she is.” There was a little chatter in the background, but with the noise of the satellite phone, I couldn’t make out what they were saying.

“I hear you saw Becky.” My mom came on the line, dropping that anvil and killing my spirit immediately.

“Sure did,” I said, hoping that would suffice. It didn’t.