Page 51 of Dickathlon

Luke waggled his eyebrows. “Plenty of size options.” He slowly perused the choices. “Would you say he’s more of a carrot, a cucumber…or an eggplant?”

“Definitely the eggplant.”

“Fucking hell. I knew he was packing.”

I waited for the woman to leave with her asparagus, before asking, “How’s that?”

“You’ve seen his lycra track suit. You can see it swinging back and forth in slow-mo.”

“You’ve been studying my boyfriend’s junk?”

“It was more of a casual interest. He’s got a lot of fans, apparently. I found a Tumblr devoted to just him.”

“Oh?” I pulled out my phone to check, but Luke pushed it down.

“You can ogle him later. We need to focus. Eggplant? Check. I’m getting a cucumber, too. Just in case.”

“In case what?”

“In case you can’t handle an eggplant.”

“I am not sticking that inside of me, bro.”

Luke ignored me and kept browsing.

“A honeydew?” I asked, scratching my head.

“Yeah. I’m not really sure though. It’s not quite what I was thinking.”

I had no idea what he was thinking as he glanced around.

“That would work.” Luke put the melon back and walked over to the seasonal display of pumpkins.

“If you’re thinking like American Pie kind of stuff, I am not fucking a pumpkin.”

Luke smiled. “Nope. Unfortunately not. Though I have seen that in porn. Oh wait, I forgot something.”

He ran back over to the produce. I stood there holding a pumpkin like the future pumpkin-fucker I imagined myself to be. He was only gone for a few seconds.

“Well, what’d you forget?” I couldn’t see what was in his hands.

“Kumquats.”

I just shook my head as he dropped them in the cart. I asked for sex help, and this is what I was getting. A disgusting salad.

“Okay, so a few things to think about before you give a blowjob. Take your time and don’t rush. It’s not a race.”

I nodded at Luke. We were sitting at the kitchen table. Luckily, Quinn was somewhere else. I suppose I could’ve asked her for help, but I wanted a gay perspective and I was glad Luke had warmed up to the idea. In fact, it seemed like he was ready to lead a seminar on the topic.

“You also want to be in the right headspace for a blowjob. If you’re relaxed and enjoying it, it will be easier for him to enjoy it. Think of yourself fully submitting to his cock, then close your eyes and just go with it.”

“Should I be taking notes?”

He rolled his eyes. “Depends on how good your memory is, Ty.”

“I’ll get a notepad.”

“Flicking the frenulum is a good place to start. And light kisses on the head.”