Page 35 of His Christmas Love Song

“But why were you driving in the first place? Didn’t you realize there was a big storm?”

“I wasn’t thinking clearly. I thought I wanted to get away from—” Ryan bites the side of his thumb this time, but the effect is the same.

“You’ve got to stop cutting off mid-sentence, man,” Jesse says, shoving a hand through his hair in exasperation.

“I wanted to get away from you,” Ryan mutters.

“Oh.” Jesse knows he doesn’t have any right to feel hurt, but he still feels the words like a punch in the jaw. “Hey, I get it. I just wish you hadn’t been so hasty. And for the record, I’m sorry I didn’t answer. I had my phone on silent and I was in the middle of—” This time, it’s Jesse’s turn to cut off mid-sentence.

Ryan doesn’t seem to notice. “It’s okay. I can’t expect you to bail me out of any crappy situation I get myself into. It was my fault I was out in the storm. My fault I crashed. And I managed to rescue myself. Sort of.” He smiles lopsidedly. “We’ve been living in each other’s pockets so long it might take me a minute to figure out how to live on my own. But I’ll figure it out.”

Jesse’s scared to hear the answer, but he has to ask the question. “Is that really what you want?”

“No!” The word booms out of Ryan with the force of a bass drum note. He frowns as if surprised at his own vehemence. “I thought I did. I thought it’s what I needed. But it’s not what I want. Not ever. How can you ask me that? If you love someone, the last thing you want is to have to start over without them. But that’s the only option I’m seeing here, if we’re going to keep any pretense of a working relationship. If I want to keep my sanity, or at least my dignity. But no, Jesse,” Ryan finishes tiredly, “that’s not what I want.”

Jesse crosses the room slowly, holding out his hand as if gentling a skittish pony, then dropping it softly on Ryan’s uninjured shoulder. “I’m very, very happy to hear you say that,” he says. The reality of how close he’s come to losing Ryan in every possible way hits him and he blinks against the tears forming in the corners of his eyes. He takes a shaky breath. “I don’t want that either. Because I love you.”

Ryan jerks away from Jesse’s touch, shaking his head. “Don’t do that, please don’t tell me what you think I want to hear.”

“I’m not, I swear on Dolly and Patsy and June, Ryan.”

Ryan’s eyes go wide at Jesse’s invocation of his all-time favorites.

“Look, I know I don’t deserve you. I never have. I wormed my way into your life, and you never made me feel like the impostor I am. You deserve—you deserve the whole world. And I’m just a guy who liked to write songs and who blackmailed you into keeping me around. I wasn’t allowed to have feelings for you. I wasn’t allowed to fall in love with you. But I did it anyway, because I’m a stubborn, thick-headed fool. I do love you. So much. And not just because you’re hot.”

Jesse holds his breath, not at all certain his impromptu speech will convince Ryan to stay, but he’s enough of an optimist to hold out hope.

“You really, um.” Ryan’s face crumples, and he turns away, covering his mouth with his hand. His shoulders start to shake, and Jesse realizes he’s crying.

“Oh, Ryan, darlin’, hey, it’s okay.” Jesse drapes his arm around Ryan, murmuring nonsense that he hopes is soothing, feeling close to tears himself.

He holds Ryan like that for a minute, until Ryan wipes his eyes with the back of his hand and leans back into Jesse’s chest. Ryan’s breathing evens out but Jesse’s worried about his pain level. He still hasn’t taken anything for his elbow today.

Before he can change the subject to pain management, Ryan turns around. His beautiful eyes are ringed with red, cheeks shiny wet.

“Sorry,” he says, voice thick. “I just—I never thought I’d hear you say that.”

“I love you?” Jesse smiles. He likes saying it.

“Yeah, that,” Ryan says faintly. “Fuck. I didn’t actually die in that car crash, did I? Am I in some kind of afterlife scenario?”

“As nice as it is to hear that me loving you makes you think you’re in heaven, can we please stop talking about you dying? It really messes with me, Ryan.”

“Yeah, sorry. Too soon. And too soon for that crack about me being hot, Jesse, for the record.”

“Noted,” Jesse says, but he can’t resist adding, “Though you are really hot.”

Ryan laughs, and the sound lifts a heavy weight from Jesse’s heart. “Yeah? You think so?”

“I know so. And I’m very much looking forward to showing you just how hot I think you are.”

“How are you going to do that?” Ryan asks, as if he genuinely has no idea where Jesse’s head might be at.

“Well, for starters I’m going to kiss you. Properly this time. The last time was just awful—I can’t believe that was our first kiss. Me sloppy and out of line. I’m still so sorry about that.” Jesse cringes at the memory.

Ryan takes a step forward, and there wasn’t much room between them in the first place. He tilts his head up, his golden lashes darkened by tears, his mouth pink. He puts his free arm around Jesse’s waist. “You know what? I think we deserve a do-over. What do you say? Let’s have a second first kiss.”

“You have the best ideas,” Jesse murmurs, and before he can think himself out of it, he dips his head and meets Ryan’s lips with his own.