Page 251 of Fame & Chaos

Not when I’m about to see my boyfriend.

I don’t need to be thinking about the man I’m trying so desperately to forget.

I climb out of the car, sling my bag over my shoulder, and head inside, but the knot in my stomach only tightens. The café is busy, filled with the usual lunchtime rush, and I force myself to smile even though everything inside me feels strangely unsettled.

Mick is behind the espresso machine when I walk in. He glances up, catches sight of me, and smiles so brightly that anyone looking would think we were the happiest couple in London.

I smile back.

He’s handsome in a quiet sort of way, with short red hair, a permanent five o’clock shadow, and none of the dangerous edge Caleb carried so effortlessly.

The two men couldn’t be more different.

Mick looks like the sort of man you’d trust with your laptop.

Caleb looks like the sort who’d steal your heart without even trying.

Mick catches my eye again and blows me a kiss.

I smile because I know I should.

Because he deserves at least that much.

But the flutter I’m waiting for never comes.

Instead, guilt settles heavily in my chest. I stare at him and wonder, not for the first time, whether I’m being fair to either of us.

He makes me laugh.

He makes me smile.

Is that enough?

Can affection eventually become love? Or am I simply asking him to live in the shadow of a man he’ll never be able to compete with?

Mick tells me he loves me almost every day.

I say it back…

But every single time, it is a lie.

Not because I want to hurt him, but because I can’t bear seeing the disappointment in his eyes when I don’t.

He knows someone broke my heart.

What he doesn’t know is that the pieces are still lying exactly where they fell.

I could grow to love him…

Couldn’t I?

I just need to let Caleb go. I need to stop comparing every man I meet to him because no one will ever measure up. Caleb was my first love—my only real love—and maybe that’s the problem. Once you have loved someone that completely, how do you ever expect anyone else to compete?

I need to let him go.

I draw in a slow breath, but before I can release it, every nerve ending in my body suddenly comes alive, and a shiver races over my skin. The tiny hairs on my arms stand on end, and my pulse stumbles so violently it steals the breath from my lungs.

I know this feeling.