Page 250 of Fame & Chaos

I should be giving Mick more of myself because he deserves that. He tells me he loves me—far sooner than I expected—but he means it, and there is nothing complicated about him.

No groupies.

No paparazzi.

No headlines waiting to tear our lives apart.

No chaos.

No excitement. I blink. Did I really just think that?

For so long, I convinced myself that all I wanted was an ordinary life, but now that I have it, I can’t help wondering if ordinary was ever enough.

Life with Caleb was exhausting, emotional, and goddamn complicated most of the time.

It was also exhilarating.

Life with Mick is everything I thought I wanted.

It’s calm.

Predictable.

Safe.

Yet some days it feels as though I’m slowly suffocating beneath the weight of it.

Even moving to the orthopedics ward has left me feeling the same way. I enjoy the work, but it lacks the urgency and adrenaline I loved in the emergency room.

Sometimes I miss my old life so much it physically hurts.

I miss the chaos.

I miss Caleb.

I miss Sunday dinners with his family, Annie’s endless teasing, Aston dropping by unannounced, and the late-night FaceTime calls from whatever hotel room Caleb happened to be in halfway around the world.

God…

Some days, I even miss the drama, because at least back then, I felt something.

Now I drift through each day pretending I am okay.

Pretending I have moved on.

Pretending the best part of my life isn’t behind me.

Today is my day off, and Mick finishes work at two. We’re going to the movies afterward, just the two of us.

He really does look after me.

He treats me with kindness and respect, and although he insists on calling me Indica, which I absolutely hate, I let it slide because he never means any harm.

As I pull into the coffee shop car park, “Saving Grace” comes on the radio, and my breath catches.

I switch it off before Caleb’s voice has the chance to pull me under again.

Not today.