Page 64 of Drive Me Crazy

"I can spend the night with you, Brother. If you want me too." Emerson peers at me over the front seat. Her eyes are pleading with me to not be alone; she knows me too well.

I drop my head, preferring to wallow in my transgressions by myself. "I'll be fine. It's nothing a bottle of Jack and a good night's sleep won't fix."

"I'm no doctor but I'm kinda thinking liquor won't heal what's broken." Aksel stares at me.

I step out, shutting the door behind me, and pause by hers. "C'mon, open it."

"No!" Emerson crosses her arms, pouting. "If you don't have to open up, I don't either."

I pull on the handle, swinging it wide enough for me to reach in and wrap my arms around her. "I love you; I'll call if I need you."

"Promise?" She gives in, hugging me.

I rear back, kissing her on the forehead. "I promise, now tell me you love me."

"Go get some rest, I love you." She pats my chest, smiling.

"Y'all be careful. Let me know when you get home." I close her in and wait for them to pull away. Emerson waves as they pull out onto the road.

I return it and turn to take the stairs two at a time, doing my best to get to solitude as fast as I can. As if I haven't detested myself enough over the years for letting Harper down, now I realize I was putting her in danger.

Then there's Mack. I've allowed all of this to interfere with work, knowing she needs me now. I've always been by her side, and now shouldn't be any different.

Taking my keys out, I unlock my door and slip inside. Here, the place I've spent most of time since she's been gone, I can close the world out and forget.

"Like anyone could ever forget Harper Jennings, especially me." I never imagined it'd all be over before we could even begin.

Meandering into the kitchen, I do exactly the opposite of what I should be doing. Grabbing a glass, I yank on the cabinet to find the one thing that will drown out all the voices.

"Hello, old friend." I smirk, taking the bottle from the shelf and pouring three fingers and downing it. "There we go, let's get her out for the rest of the night and get some sleep."

I drag my ass over to my bed, pulling my cell out and tossing it on the bed. I dump on three fingers into my glass, leaving the bottle sitting on the nightstand and throw back the liquid gold.

"Just when you convince yourself, you might be the good guy in this one, shit hits the fan and you realize, you're the reason it all happened and you're no better than the piece of shit that hurt her. The only difference is some wounds never heal and hearts can stay broken forever." My own words taste like venom.

I can only hope that as poisonous as they are to hear, they are to swallow. Because tonight, I feast on my self-loathing and the mess I've made. So goes another day and once Harper figures out what I've done, the hurt I've caused and the damage I did to us, I'll be begging for someone to kill me.

"I've never loved another person the way I love her but with the way I do it, she'd be better off without me." I fist the bottle sitting in front of me, praying if I have to face my demons, this'll give me the courage to walk away. Or make me numb enough that I can get through it.