Page 31 of Every Eligible Man

"Identifying features," Aldous repeats weakly. "Of... of the..."

"Cocks, Aldous. Yes. Three of them. All different. All magnificent."

I stare into the middle distance, letting myself remember.

The first one. Gods, the first one.

"The first was... substantial. The most substantial I've ever encountered." I close my eyes, savoring the memory. "Thick as my forearm."

"Please don't."

"With a slight upward curve. He was the largest of the three. The kind of size where you think 'this is going to hurt' and then it does but in the best possible way."

Aldous' quill is shaking so hard ink is splattering across the parchment. I don't care. This is vital information.

"The second was more elegant. Long, curved distinctly to the left, slimmer but with exceptional technique." I smile, remembering the way that curve hit spots I didn't know existed. "The owner of this one will have a silver tongue and a pretty face. Write that down. Silver tongue. Pretty face."

"My lady, this is not standard proclamation format."

"The third." I pause, a fond smile crossing my face.

The third. The chaotic one. The one whose ferret is currently trying to eat my hairpin.

"The third was... enthusiastic. Average size but curved uniquely, and attached to a man with absolutely no filter and the stamina of a teenager." I scratch behind Gerald's ear. "He'll be the one the ferret belongs to. Write: 'If the ferret shows recognition, examine that man's cock for a distinctive curve and question him about his refractory period.'"

Aldous sets down his quill. "I've served this crown for thirty years."

"And you're doing beautifully."

"I translated diplomatic treaties. I recorded tax law. I documented the Great Peace Accord of…"

"Aldous."

"I was there when your father signed the Maritime Commerce Agreement, my lady. I have served with distinction and honor."

"ALDOUS."

He sniffles. "Yes, my lady?"

"Royal Herald Bartholomew will be reading this aloud in the Grand Hall in one hour. I need it finished, copied, and sealed. Can you do that for me?"

Aldous looks at the parchment. He looks at me. He looks at Gerald, who has stolen his backup quill and is trying to eat it. "I would like a raise," he says quietly.

"Done."

"And a week's leave after this is over."

"Two weeks."

"And access to the royal wine cellar."

"Unlimited access. Now finish the proclamation."

Aldous picks up his quill with the resigned air of a man who has seen too much and will see more still. "Where were we?"

"Refractory period."

"Ah yes. The refractory period." He begins writing again, tears flowing freely now. "How could I forget?"