Page 30 of Every Eligible Man

One ornate embroidered glove, clearly magical in origin, slightly singed at the edges where it rematerialized on the floor.

One ferret, currently trying to steal my earring.

"These," I announce, holding up the boot and glove while Gerald dangles from my earlobe, "are my clues. And I'm going to use them to find the three men who gave me the only satisfying sexual experience of my entire adult life."

Mira stares at the ferret. "Is that... is that a clue or a hostage?"

"Both. He belongs to one of them. The unhinged one." I pry Gerald off my ear and hold him up. He squirms, chitters rudely, and tries to bite my nose. "Charming, isn't he?"

"He bit six guards overnight. And the Archbishop. And possibly a visiting dignitary, but we're still investigating."

"He has good taste."

I tuck Gerald against my chest, where he immediately tries to steal the sheet wrapped around me. Little criminal. I respect it.

"Summon the royal scribe. I need to draft a proclamation."

"A... proclamation."

"Every eligible man in the kingdom will present himself for inspection. They will try on this boot. They will try on this glove. They will be assessed by this ferret. And then." I let my smile turn feral. "They will drop their trousers for my personal evaluation."

Mira's eye twitches. "My lady. You cannot include that in a royal proclamation."

"Watch me."

Twenty minutes later, I'm seated at my writing desk in a crimson dressing gown, Gerald perched on my shoulder like a very chaotic parrot, dictating to a scribe who is visibly considering a career change.

Aldous. That's his name. Middle-aged, thirty years of faithful service to the crown, probably thought he'd spend his twilight years documenting tax law and diplomatic treaties.

Poor bastard.

His quill trembles. His inkpot rattles. A single tear tracks down his cheek, though he'd never admit it.

"Read back what we have so far," I command.

Aldous clears his throat, voice cracking.

"By royal decree of Lady Cinder, First of Her Name, all eligible men within the kingdom shall present themselves at the castle for inspection. They shall attempt to fit one." He swallows hard. "Extremely large boot, size fourteen or greater. They shall attempt to fit one ornate glove, left-handed, with silver embroidery. They shall submit to assessment by one." His voice drops to a whisper. “Ferret of uncertain temperament.”

"Good so far. Continue."

"Those who pass these preliminary tests shall then..." Aldous' quill stops moving. He looks up at me with the haunted eyes of a man watching his dignity die. "My lady, I really must protest."

"Continue, Aldous."

"...shall then present their..." He makes a small, pained noise. "Their male member for visual inspection by Her Ladyship."

"Add 'and tactile assessment if necessary.'"

"My lady."

"Tactile. Assessment."

Aldous writes it down. A second tear joins the first.

I feel no remorse. This is important documentation.

"Now.." I lean back, absently stroking Gerald like a villain in a bad play. "We need to add the identifying features. So I can narrow down the candidates."