Page 104 of You Know You Wanna

I knew I might be too late, but I figured it was worth a shot. I made a phone call, deciding that the universe could go screw itself if it was trying to separate us. I’d come back to Manhattan to fight and maybe the fight wasn’t over just yet. Thankfully, I still had a little bit of it left in me and I knew exactly what I was going to use it for.

54

BIRDIE

What I hadn’t been considering on the day I’d told Alan I wanted to leave was that I couldn’t just go. Well, I could but not in good conscience.

There were still two weeks left of the summer and the resort was having one last rush. After everything he’d done for me, I wouldn’t just abandon him, or my studio, or the guests who had booked spots in my sessions.

My mind was still made up and I was going to leave eventually—once I’d finished training someone to take over for me. Lexi, the temp who had worked in the spa all summer, was a girl from town who had graduated high school last year.

She had worked the front desk at the spa since she’d started here, but she’d joined many of my yoga sessions and she had a passion for it. When word had gotten out that I was thinking of taking a sabbatical, she’d volunteered to step up.

Alan was happy with it, and with every passing day, I was getting more and more used to the idea. Ultimately, nothing was chasing me away from here. With the pressure of thinking Alan might be leaving the place to me off my shoulders, I felt free.

It was now a matter of fulfilling my responsibilities while also trying to decide where to go. It should’ve been a no-brainer. I shouldn’t have questioned starting with New York, a place I’d always wanted to experience and where Remington and Laurene were, but it wasn’t that simple.

I’d been avoiding his calls, and while I had tried to call him back when I was ready to talk, our timing seemed to be off. Something was telling me it would be easier to just let it go. Every time we had spoken so far, our conversations had been strained, and hearing his voice hurt too, but thinking that it might be easier to let go didn’t make me feel any better.

At this point, staying busy was the only thing keeping me sane. During the day, I made sure I always had something on my schedule, and at night, I stared at maps on my computer and researched the places that jumped out at me. None of them had really called to me so far, but I was sticking to my guns.

At the end of the summer, I was going somewhere. Even if it was just for a week to start with. In the meantime, Lexi was leading at least one session a day and she was doing well, and today, she and I were heading into the forest for an outdoor yoga session next to the lake.

She walked beside me, a soft, relaxed smile on her face as the group followed us along the path. “This was a good idea. How often do you do it?”

“At least once a month in the summer,” I replied. “The guests love it, but you have to play it by ear. Sometimes, you won’t have one of these expeditions planned, but a guest who’s attended one before or heard about will ask. Don’t be too rigid. If they want to do it, bring them out. You’d be surprised how fast these spots always fill up.”

She dropped her head back to look up at the canopy of deep green leaves above and the mottled sunlight shining through, then let out a contented sigh. “I can imagine. I love the studio, but there’s just something about being outside, in the fresh air, that makes everything better.”

I chuckled. “Watch how you talk about my studio.”

“I said I love it, didn’t I?” She winked at me, but then she got a bit more serious. “Don’t worry, Birdie. I know how much all of this means to you. I won’t mess it up, and besides, I’m only babysitting it for you. When you come back, it’s all yours.”

“Thanks, but I don’t even know when I’m leaving yet or how long I’ll be gone once I do. You’re going to have to make it your own eventually, so don’t think of yourself as a babysitter so much as a steward or a guardian.”

She hummed under her breath. “I don’t know. It’s your baby. Maybe one day, I’ll think of myself as more than just a sitter, but for now, I’m happy to just watch over it for you and to love it as much as you do yourself.”

“Do you have any plans of your own to leave?” I asked conversationally, knowing that she’d need time once I was gone to ease into her actual role. Right now, she was scared of stepping on my toes. She didn’t have to be, but I got it. “Is this a pit stop for you or a destination?”

She shrugged, her features contemplative before she responded. “Honestly? I don’t know yet. I think I’d like to travel a bit in the future, but I’m happy here, you know?”

“I do know.” I bumped my hip into hers as we walked. “Why do you think I’m still here?”

She laughed. “Fair enough. Where are you thinking of going?”

For the rest of the walk, I told her about all the different places I’d researched and she gave me a few suggestions to look into. Then we reached the lake and got our session underway. We rolled out our mats in some shade in a clearing by the shore. The leaves weren’t as dense here and spots of sunshine filtered through.

I’d chosen a place where I had the sun on my back throughout and it got blazing hot, but I enjoyed it. Between that, the gentle breeze, the birdsong, and the serenity of being out here, I lost myself in the movements, pausing only to give pointers to the guests as necessary.

Lexi was up front with me, but she didn’t interfere, simply letting me take the lead and supporting me all the way through. In this moment, my mind should’ve been completely quiet, but as had become the norm for me, I couldn’t get there.

I kept thinking about Remington and Laurene, wondering where they were and what they were doing right then. I knew Lulu had gone to her Juilliard audition but the results would take a few more days. He’d texted me about it and I was burning to find out how it’d gone, but I hadn’t been able to bring myself to call just yet.

It was funny. What I wanted most in the world was to be with them, but knowing that I couldn’t, what I wanted least was to speak to them every day. Whenever I did, the miles between us seemed like an insurmountable distance and it tore me apart all over again.

Their lives were there, and in the end, he’d never invited me to go with them. When he’d left, all he’d promised was that he’d be back. There had been no conversation about whether I’d consider going to New York with them or even whether I wanted to go for a visit.

Sure, we’d discussed it a few times during their stay, but when push had come to shove, there had just been nothing. It had made me question everything all over again and that scared the hell out of me. While they’d been here, he’d had a way of reassuring me, but now that they were gone, I was wondering if it had been bullshit after all.